[cfh1167]

On Saturday I almost jumped front the ledge of a 6 story parking lot. I wasn't at the top, but I was at a level that if I did jump I would most likely break a few things.

Why did I almost do this? I have absolutely no idea. Everything was going perfect. It was a nice sunny day, I was hanging out with my boyfriend having fun, and then I found myself hopping over the gaurdrail. I don't know if it was an impluse or what but I know that right now I definitely need help.

The scariest part about this was that, I wasn't scared. I was perfectly calm looking over the edge which is strange considering that I'm absolutely horrified of heights.

He begged me to come back - I'd never seen him look so scared - and I complied and he told me not to ever do that again and how much he loved and needed me.

Prior to this, I started crying. Just an hour or so befor the initial jump. I was laughing one second, crying the next, and then back to laughing.

I haven't told my father or my psychologist. I'm scared that for one, she'll make me check into Willow Rock (a psychiatric center). And although it is probably for the better, I'm not ready to go back. I only want to see this as a relapse, not a sign that I'm getting worse. It's been months since I've been there and going back feels like everything went to waste. Like a shot after you've been sober for all these years.

In the event that I do go back, it'll put stress on my father, whose doctor has recommended that he get rest. He's already dealing with my sister going to jail (yesterday) and all the other responsibilites of the household. I don't know what to do.

I can imagine most of you might say I should tell my psychologist even if it risks me going back to Willow Rock or even worrying my father, which is understandable given the circumstances.

[Slothrop]

Yes, I think you need to take care of yourself first, even if it's hard on your dad. It is very scary when an impulse like this comes out of the blue. I wonder if hospital is even the right answer, when you are facing something that is gone as quickly as it came. Please do tell your psych, no one wants to lose you!

[cfh1167]

Originally Posted by Slothrop

Yes, I think you need to take care of yourself first, even if it's hard on your dad. It is very scary when an impulse like this comes out of the blue. I wonder if hospital is even the right answer, when you are facing something that is gone as quickly as it came. Please do tell your psych, no one wants to lose you!

I understand. Thank you so much. As for the hospital, Willow Rock itself (in my opinion) lacks what I need. It requires us to go to 'groups' where we draw out how we feel and all that. The only time-worthy person that was there was they one psychologist himself who didn't treat me as a child and all that other bull. But I will tell my psychologist today..

[FerretGuy5]

Originally Posted by cfh1167

On Saturday I almost jumped front the ledge of a 6 story parking lot. I wasn't at the top, but I was at a level that if I did jump I would most likely break a few things.

Why did I almost do this? I have absolutely no idea. Everything was going perfect. It was a nice sunny day, I was hanging out with my boyfriend having fun, and then I found myself hopping over the gaurdrail. I don't know if it was an impluse or what but I know that right now I definitely need help.

The scariest part about this was that, I wasn't scared. I was perfectly calm looking over the edge which is strange considering that I'm absolutely horrified of heights.

He begged me to come back - I'd never seen him look so scared - and I complied and he told me not to ever do that again and how much he loved and needed me.

Prior to this, I started crying. Just an hour or so befor the initial jump. I was laughing one second, crying the next, and then back to laughing.

I haven't told my father or my psychologist. I'm scared that for one, she'll make me check into Willow Rock (a psychiatric center). And although it is probably for the better, I'm not ready to go back. I only want to see this as a relapse, not a sign that I'm getting worse. It's been months since I've been there and going back feels like everything went to waste. Like a shot after you've been sober for all these years.

In the event that I do go back, it'll put stress on my father, whose doctor has recommended that he get rest. He's already dealing with my sister going to jail (yesterday) and all the other responsibilites of the household. I don't know what to do.

I can imagine most of you might say I should tell my psychologist even if it risks me going back to Willow Rock or even worrying my father, which is understandable given the circumstances.

You have impulse suicidal ideation. You need a hospitalization to get a grip on things. Had you not been with your boyfriend, an unpleasant outcome. Don't hold this back from your doctor, psychiatrist or therapist. They can't help you unless they know the full extent of your problems.

[Michah]

You are testing boundaries that are out of your mental scope at the moment........impulsivity, without calculated risk(like wearing a harness or a bungee!!) is inherently very dangerous.......

The fact that you felt no fear is an indication that your natural instincts to survive are tested beyond what you are able to endure.......

Tell your T!!. You need you, your boyfriend needs you and your dad needs you. Hospital is no fun.......but that may not be the immediate solution.......you will not know until you discuss it and accept whatever outcome.

You cannot make this decision alone.........you need help to ensure your safety.

That is your first and only priority.......Please be safe........we don't want to lose one of us

[madisgram]

cfh, please let us know once u contact your t. we care about you and this sounds too serious for you too not call your t. if something was to happen to you, just think how distressed your father would be. he doesn't need stress as you stated and your being reponsible for your own mental health is imperative plus your father will be relieved, not worried as much. take care of yourself and ,imho, this is a warning of harm to come if you don't get help now. we tend to minimize our symtoms often and it sounds like that is what you may be doing.

[saijey]

Hi:
I`m quite shy at saying this but I understand wath is being bipolar and its effects, I cannot write this moment cos`I`m nervous¡¡ but as you I ALMOST TRIED TO KILL MYSELF 2 days ago I`m gonna be able to tell you all what happened this Saturday 14ht when Santana performed in Quito in a concert:
I was at home, alone desperated, anxious,extremely depressed with no wanting to live then staying in bed started grabbing the both sides of the matrex so violently, and I hit myself against it, saying and shouting ..I dont`want to live, I want to die¡¡¡¡¡, now it sounds ridiculous for me cos I`m better today but with all my energy to do all in day planning ideas that is impossible to make in a short term ( I think I`m manic this moment ) so, that day I cried my eyes out almost 20 minutes, then I was planning how to kill myself and what could happened after my death, I wanted all my family apologised for all the harm has caused me for years, (I admit that I deserve living but I don`t want cos' I`m complety falured woman, a ****** falured woman, I never did some productive in life)then I continue with my "pitty" story in chich I think is not cos'I weird¡¡ but that day (night) I went to the kitchen to get a knife to cut myself in my legs but that ****ing knife was not on shape, **** I did not this I though in my daughter, I stop myself but I was crying, getting mad, all my ideas was too messy¡¡
things as this has happened to me 2 moths ago I was hanging myself from the bridge of the highway Iwas hungover¡¡ was the shite of me¡¡and in was walking in one side of the road throwing down stons under the all the cars were driving on that moment. IS THIS A SIGN OR BEHAVIOR OF BEING BIPOLAR?
yesturday I was terribly sad and teary in the morning but in the night I was so euforic and happy. Now I`m anxious,moody and irritated. ARE THEY the MOOD SWINGS?
Saijey

[cfh1167]

About what happened on Saturday, I talked to my T. Yesterday she had to send me home because I was aboslutely distraught. (Seperate issues) I'm better today but it seems she said I was 'testing boundaries' but I'm competent enough to know I don't need to fake commiting suicide to get anyone to prove that I'm loved or I'm important or that they care about me because I already know that.

We decided I'd get together with her and my dad to talk about this. In the mean time, I'm feeling neutral and I'm not worried about harming myself and neither is she.