When???

I'm sorry for posting again. I know I just posted a week ago but I'm just really confused right now. About 5 weeks ago I was on an up-swing, which for me is really agitated and anxious. I had meds adjusted and then spiraled down into a depression again. I made a decision at that time that I was going to die from this because I don't want to live the rest of my life on a roller coaster. I read posts here and people keep going up and down all the time, over and over. I don't want to do that. It's totally unacceptable to me. After I decided I was going to die, I really felt a total sense of resolve and started to really disconnect. I expected to die within a week but I never was able to make a plan. When I discussed this with the pdoc he told me that most people who feel like I do can't make a plan. They act on impulse and whatever happens, happens. They have an impulse to be dead and within a couple hours it's over. My problem is that right now I am disconnected with my life. I am just existing. I am going through the motions of living... getting up, showering, going to work, etc... I just am not there. I don't want to be. The only thing I can connect with and feel emotion for is my incessant thoughts of wanting to be dead. I am waiting for something to happen and it won't. Every time I talk to a friend or family on the phone I wonder if it's going to be the last time. I talked about this with my T last week and today but nothing we go over makes me FEEL. She suggested hospitalization but I refused b/c I don't think it's really necessary. I just don't care. I feel bad that my family and friends will feel bad but it just doesn't matter to me enough. I just want to know from you guys what you think about the situation. I am looking for insight because, quite frankly, I don't have any. I don't want to be around but yet I don't do anything about it. I'm fortunate enough to be a nurse and have an intimate knowledge of the workings of the body and how to make them not work anymore. I just can't seem to get anything together. Thoughts???? Thanks so much... I appreciate support on here.

Gravyyy.........being harsh here......you have a responsibility to stay alive.......I know the burden of living and it is almost wishful thinking that dying will make it easier.

Yes, we all go up and down like some terrifying roller coaster........I often throw up from the velocity(metaphorically).........and your situation is no different.

You cannot give up and yes the feeling to die is impulsive........I spent 6 months everyday doubled over with the sheer force of wanting to die......it brought me to my knees........but the feeling would pass until the next time and the next and so on........anti-psychotics helped until my lithium kicked in.

You must go to hospital if that is the safest place..........you must put the last shred of who you are into getting the best kind of immediate help and understand that there is no room for death.........you have been given a very important task by the Universe, God, whatever has brought you here to LIVE and contribute.......to love yourself enough to shine the light that you have into just one other persons life.....

That light may feel dim.......but it is there......we all have it........sometimes we just have to reminded by a concerned and caring stranger.

Fight it!!! and you shall win........please

Please hang on this feeling will leave. You can't give up, but must keep going even though you must be tired. I've been on the roller coaster too. I've done things I regret during my roller coaster ride so I have extreme guilt. I just ask God to forgive me and try to move on though I get tired of feeling so bad. I was hospitalized for self injury last year. I was put on abilify along with several other meds and have felt better than I ever can remember. So I regret having feelings of dying because i'm soooo much better. Please know things will get better. Go to the hospital when you feel this way where you'll be safe from yourself. After many roller coaster rides I finally feel better and can't remember why I wanted to die so bad. Please know things will get better even if you can't see it right know. I hate when people would tell me things will get better but they will and it's true. Just hang in there.