Anyone for ECT?? My story cont...

Thank you to Michah, FerretGut, Jewels and MyBestKids for your feedback and support.

I wanted to offer a little more insight into where I've been and where I'm at now...

I was first diagnosed with major depression at 16, at which time I was already an alcoholic (started drinking at 12) and addicted to pot (started pill-popping at 10), tho had experimented with acid, e, heroin. My drug addiction stepped up at 17 to be amph, then a coke addiction took hold at 22. I was a high-flyn exec for a computer company in the mid-90's, travelling around the country, the youngest and most awarded in my field...if only they knew my lies and the triple life I was leading. I was medicated to eyeballs for years on SSRI's, benzos and anti-epileptic drugs. I quit my job, had a breakdown at 25 at which time I went cold turkey off the unprescribed drugs after several call-for-help-style suicide attempts. I moved state to live with friends who were decent people, hoping to get my life together but very very ill and still drinking. I added another life to my repetoire, one that was 'normal', with friends who had dreams and ambitions and passions and homes with white picket fences. I created what my idea of a good person was and thats the new person I made. One of the friends I moved in with is now my wonderful and devoted husband (who has known me in three of my four lives). He helped me stop drinking and get off the meds that kept me a zombie. My goal was to be sober for our wedding, and I was! That was 6 years ago. I stayed off meds and found a spiritual calling and concentrated on self-development courses, meditation, yoga, jogging, and went back to school to do a degree in Health Sciences and Naturopathy. Then after a lot of hard work and effort to reverse some of the damage done to my body, we had a beautiful boy. Depression started to creep in, but with my history on record with my husband and trusty mid-wife and friend, we sought help and turned it around within a year without meds. Then, while I was pregnant with my second bubs, the wheels started to fall off again, and this time I couldn't put them back on. Three weeks after my daughter was born I was suicidal, fully depressed and had intermittent psychosis. I again sought help, but it became evident that the same assistance wasn't going to work this time. Its been over a year since I first asked for help, and I have a team of carers including weekly psychiatric visits, weekly home visits from a specialised mental health counsellor, a counsellor who comes to check the kids and that their 'entire' needs are being met and not just the basics, and my mum (as we now have a relationship), and of course my darling husband. All are working toward me being well, as well as honouring my decision to go as long as I can without poisoning my body with more drugs before having another child and/or while breastfeeding my daughter.

I know some of you after reading the last bit are thinking, 'you lucky so and so, I wish I had half the help you're getting'. And I wish you were too. And I KNOW, absolutely, how blessed I am.

So hence, my original pose was that I feel that I am getting worse not better. Do I stick this out and see if ECT will get me through to the other side, where I'm coping with simple things again, or do I give in and do the meds again? I feel that I've worked so hard to get this far, and its not just my dream of having another bub, its my husbands. And to be honest, there is a small part of me where I feel I owe him. If we don't, I know there will always be a hole, an empty room where the child that could've been would be, if only I could've sucked it up and put up with more a bit longer. I already have that missing feeling from a miscarraige that happened because I was drunk so many years ago.

I guess I don't really expect anyone to tell me what to do. Just wish you could look into your crystal balls and tell me my future. Am I doing the right thing holding out? I have so many missing memories of my life and so much has come back since my daughter arrived. Perhaps baby #3 will unlock the rest for me??

Hope the short version of my story helps someone. PM me if you want the unedited version, which basically is just more yuk that comes from being a drunk and druggie, and making drunk and druggie choices. Now I do my best to make sober, life-affirming choices which ironically includes my choice to stay unmedicated with occasional rolling the suicidal dice, yet here I am.

May the long sun shine upon you...

Love, light and peace to you and yours,
kp

Thanks for sharing so much of your story! I did ECT, and am still taking meds. If I need to do ECT in the future, I will without hesitation. I will not stop taking my meds again, unless my doctor tells me to. If thats forever, so be it.

I wish you luck on your journey!

KP,

There are many reasons for having children.......I wonder if some exploration of the "hole" you speak of would be beneficial in therapy? Without sounding harsh(for that is not my intention), having another child may not necessarily fill that hole........I believe that vacuum can only be filled by you, loving you, despite all that you have experienced. I know you are thinking of your husband.......I am more than aware of that conundrum.......My partner and I have been going through something similar.

I am in perimenopause at 35. It is unlikely that I would be able to conceive and even if I could I don't have all the hormonal functions to ensure a safe growth for a baby. I also have thyroid issues and have been told that if I were to have another child, it could kill me, not to mention what it would do to the child. I already have a son who is 14. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and always wanted to have a baby. We have had to go through a large process of acceptance and disappointment. We even talked about him leaving to see if he could find someone else to have a baby with!(My suggestion). He said he did not want to be with anyone else but me. We have decided to put all our resources into my sons upbringing and concentrate on him. We digress occassionally, but we talk about it when we need to.

My point is, do you take the risk? Is your mental health in danger if you go through pregnancy, hormones, sleepless nights and having 2 other children to look after? You have A LOT on your plate.......at no point have I heard you speak about YOU, only what you and your husband want. You are prepared to take HUGE risks but at what cost?

I am concerned that you are seeking therapy for all the wrong reasons........I have heard good things about ECT(like the post above) and medication is a given in some circumstances........but do you want to get better to have a baby, or get better because you are an important human being who is entitled to the best life possible and you are already a mother and wife?

Sorry babe, your reasons for having a baby are NOT for me to judge.......but I am concerned for you and your predicament tugs at me in ways where I cannot be impartial........you will make the right decision for you and your family.......trust in the process and we are here

Good luck, sweets.........I really feel for where you are in this......

I agree about seriously considering the having another child bit. My mother was mentally ill & it was no picnic, that's for sure. She did the meds, ECT, etc.--nothing helped. I think her having another child pushed her over the edge. She had this idealized idea of motherhood & got a lot of self-esteem from producing children. But she was incapable of mothering us.

I have a couple friends in my support group (DBSA--Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance) who have had good success w/ECT's & also a couple are on maintenace ECT's every 6 weeks or so & it has helped tremendously.

I don't think it is right to bring in another baby when you are having problems as you described. You need to take care of the ones you have & YOURSELF.