May Trigger---bad feelings---despair, but holding on...

Hello, it's been a while.

I'm up against the wall again, dealing with this stupid bpd problem.

I've been trying to get a new support system to help me deal with some life issues, such as the death of my aunt, who was like a mom to me, and the loss of my best friend, who has turned his back on me in my time of bereavement.

The people that I have been reaching out to have basically been confronting me on my neediness, either by flat out telling me that only God can help me, not them, or by telling me, like one person put it bluntly, "I can't be your emotional tampon!", or by just plain ignoring me.

today I just broke down and cried with complete despair.

G*d, I hate myself and I hate bpd!

It makes such an ***** of me, such a horrible, horrible person out of me, so that NO ONE wants to have ANYTHING to do with me, not even the most PATIENT, NICEST individual!

One of my friends even said to me that Commander Data from Star Trek would self-destruct if he had to deal with me! And he's supposed to be this unemotional android who isnt' supposed to affected by anything.

Well, I'm glad to be back, and I hope I'm not the only one who's frustrated with this.

Billi

I don't think that being "needy" makes you a horrible person at all although it may make it hard for "nons" to give you the support you deserve. It sounds to me like these "friends" have been pretty hard on you. You do have work to do on yourself but that does NOT make you a bad person. As you work on your recovery, your relationships WILL improve, together with your sense of self. Then other people's "comments" won't feel so invasive and hurtful (mostly its about them anyway)

Ohhh Billi!! Pity the ignorants for their lack of insight and humanity!

To feel so unloved and burdensome is a big, heavy weight for you.....get rid of it!!! Throw that yoke of emotional imprisonment off those shoulders and BREATHE!!! You are grieving over your Aunts death and have to contend with unfeeling souls.......the illness does distort our view on relationships, and so distorts others views on us.......

But your feelings are important, very important but we cannot rely on others to guard them as well as we do. Protect that spirit of yours.......it is what will get you through this wild terrain of stormy weather and tornadoes of the mind.

It hurts when people point out how "difficult" we are(I have had my fair share of that) and I say "I will continue to be difficult!!" because I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve.......I will not be put away to only come out when I am behaving for you!! I will not be anything other than what I am, just because what I am, doesn't fit comfortably with you!!

Question, confront, progress, regress, progress again and accept........You lose nothing my sweet, unless you were prepared to give it away. You KEEP being you, illness and all........because that is what IS. Do not change for anybody but yourself. The REALLY good friends will come......we just got to put up with the crap ones first.....

Keep the faith, trust the process........know that the Universe shall provide when you are ready to recieve.......love yourself unconditionally for you are very, very precious.....

In stillness and take very good care of you.......

thank you, everyone.