[shezbut]

I got to my ex-hub's house around 7:15 this morning, to watch my young daughter, Lena. I'm bringing groceries into the house ~ and Eric tells me that he needs me to watch Lena tomarrow (Thursday). Eric has known for months that Tuesdays and Thursdays are my days for my appointments. I am NOT available. I repeat that to him.

Then, Eric says that he has no other options, he has to work on Thursday, and I've missed my appointments before. He goes on to yell that I've missed my DBT group due to snow, illness, and he's "asking for one measly day". I repeated that if I didn't go to DBT tomarrow, that would be 1 month since I last went ~ I have to go! What about my Mom, perhaps she can help? NO. Eric says that she has to work, it's her job. Eric has to work too, it's his job. <<<GUILT>>>

I am FURIOUS!!! I snapped at him that I'd call to cancel, fine. Then he said that he didn't want me to be here if it were that much trouble. And I'm thinking, "B.S!!" WHHYYYYY does Eric do this to me?? I missed DBT last week because I had to stay while people cleared my apartment from a flood. I missed the week before because it was a freakin blizzard here, and I couldn't move my van out of the parking lot. WTF is Eric's problem using this crap against me??! He does it all of the time! Like I'm not working, therefore, I should be able to come whenever he rings. He has literally told me that I don't work, so I ought to work around his schedule.

It's not that freaking easy ~ and I'm sick of it dammit! Eric's schedule is ALWAYS changing! WTH can't I expect to have 2 days, in which I can attend to my therapy appointments, doctors, and errands of my own? It sure as heck doesn't help that we got into it as he's leaving for work & I'm puting the groceries away.

And, now, the repressing self-hate and SI enter my mind. I am so tired of this freakin life I just hate my very messy life!

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( shezbut )))))))))))))))))

Why is hiring a babysitter not an option?

[lou99pop]

(((((shez))))) I woud be very annoyed if it didn't met my needs, is there any other ways to resolve this problem if it happens again in the near future?

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Why is hiring a babysitter not an option?

I'm on SSI, and every dime I get per month is spent on absolute necessities. I cannot afford to pay a babysitter. My ex is also on a low budget. He isn't real keen on the idea of hiring a babysitter, regardless of income. IMO, his perspective complicates our positions.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by lou99pop

(((((shez))))) I woud be very annoyed if it didn't met my needs, is there any other ways to resolve this problem if it happens again in the near future?

Thank you Lou
I sure hope so! I've talked with my T about the whole situation we're in. He agrees that my ex and I need to come up with alternative solutions, to prepare for times like these. My T doesn't have ideas on how I can approach it though.

A big problem is that my ex has very high expectations of me. We have always disagreed on this very issue. For him, nothing is more important than work. He therefore expects me to get up very early and drive carefully 35 miles to his house, in the blizzard. Never mind that the highways are closing, or that snowplows haven't cleared the areas that I have to get through. Never mind that they've advised everyone to stay in their homes on all news. It does not matter to my ex. He hasn't heard from his work, about closing that day. Therefore, I am absolutely expected to come & watch the girls so he may go to work. To me, that is totally unreasonable! But, to my ex, me not being willing to drive, to be with my girls, is completely unreasonable.

Ugh! That's why my T cannot come up with ideas to help me work through these types of issues with my ex. Anyway...sorry for going off a little bit there but, man, he pisses me off sometimes!

[Michah]

Shez,

You are not working for a reason......you are not taking a leisurely sabbatical to "find yourself"......maybe point that out?

You are working your guts out to be happier, healthier, more content within, to parent better, to love more, to live more......

No-one can truly know what battles you fight every day......

Take good care of your precious self, dear one......

Biggest hugs

Mics

[Princess Butterfly]

sounds very frustrating for you

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Michah

Shez,

You are not working for a reason......you are not taking a leisurely sabbatical to "find yourself"......maybe point that out?

You are working your guts out to be happier, healthier, more content within, to parent better, to love more, to live more......

No-one can truly know what battles you fight every day......

Take good care of your precious self, dear one......

Biggest hugs

Mics

Thank you for your kind words of support, Micah.

I wish that my ex would agree ~ but he just can't. He's held strong onto his standards ever since 3/06 (when I had my left temporal lobe re-sectioned for epilepsy). The effects of my brain surgery were significant. That type of surgery is well known for causing trouble w/ emotion regulation & strongly emphasizing personality characteristics. Nice! Anyway... my ex minimizes everything I have (and continue to) go through.

[lou99pop]

jeez! sounds as if he isn't being fair with you but to himself. I hope your t continues supporting you whenever it happens

[Michah]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Thank you for your kind words of support, Micah.

I wish that my ex would agree ~ but he just can't. He's held strong onto his standards ever since 3/06 (when I had my left temporal lobe re-sectioned for epilepsy). The effects of my brain surgery were significant. That type of surgery is well known for causing trouble w/ emotion regulation & strongly emphasizing personality characteristics. Nice! Anyway... my ex minimizes everything I have (and continue to) go through.

Ah sweet one.......people can be so cruel

I have also encountered very cruel people in the guise of love or supposed common interests.......and agendas/manipulation abound.

This may sound counterintuitive, but give in......do not enter into conflict with a person that has their own agenda. You cannot win the battle, but you can win the war. As difficult as it sounds, you can walk away, peacefully knowing that it will work out for you and your child. Trust yourself that you can protect.

I speak from experience.......my sons father was very manipulative, in and out of jail, nasty, vicious and extremely vindictive. It was like armageddon every time I had the misfortune of meeting him. Hs family threatened me physically, threatened to kidnap my son and take him back to their country of origin and so on. A very frightening and dark time. My sons father is now dead. He died from a accidental drug overdose Xmas day 2008.

I sincerely do not wish to startle you.....I only mention this due to the fact that I suffered immensely at the hands of a man who did not care for his son, or myself or himself. I wish I had taken my own advice and walked away peacefully, with inner strength and fortitude. I lived with terrible hypervigilance and violence, from both sides.

Take care of self, take care of your child and pay no attention to anything negative he has to say. His negativity is his issue. Do not give anything away you are not prepared to lose......have no expectations of an outcome. Do not hate, but do not love either......Forgive him for you.....so that you can be free.

Love thyself.......and all else shall follow.

We are here........

Mics.

[shezbut]

(((Thank you Micah)))

I know that I cannot win the war. It's stupid to continue trying to get my ex to see the light. Working around the reality is simply a fact. Maybe things will improve someday, but I'm not counting on it.

Thanks for your wise, supportive words.

[Stranger2]

Is it one on one with your T?? If so maybe ask her if occasionally when it comes up if you can bring your daughter with you..I know my T allows you to bring people with you when you have to..Take care!!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Stranger2

Is it one on one with your T?? If so maybe ask her if occasionally when it comes up if you can bring your daughter with you..I know my T allows you to bring people with you when you have to..Take care!!

Yes, I do see my T one-to-one. The DBT thing is group though, and it wouldn't go well w/ my girls there. Everyone in group is nice, and I'm sure they'd be friendly, but it wouldn't be the appropriate atmosphere for the DBT group.

Nice idea if that comes up on a Tuesday, my individual T day. Thank you!