How do I know how I truly feel?

I know that it sounds like a stupid Q, but this really plagues my life!

I seemed to finally have my life back on track. I'm getting SSI; divorce and bankruptcy have been finalized by courts; haven't worked for one year; and am continuing to re-build happy & healthy relationships with my 2 girls. I give back to the community by donating one day per week to visiting an elderly & alone lady. It makes both of us happy.

Now the tricks. My PCA mentioned that I should return to work. She's thinking about home health care for me. It's brought up A LOT of panic inside of me. My doctor filled out some long letter to my bank, to excuse me from a federal loan ~ due to my brain injury and ongoing depression. The doctor told me that I wouldn't ever be able to go back to college, and I should stay away from nursing. My epilepsy doc also told me that it might be best for me to stay away from work. I am then better able to be a good mom and have better control over my seizures.

However, the income is puny, and I can't go much longer without some additional cash. So, what do I do? I don't want to F up the progress that I've made in the areas mentioned...I'm scared that I can't handle any job. My memory stinks! Names of people, things, places, numbers are extremely hard for me to learn and recall. That's a simple fact, due to my brain surgery & traumatic brain injury. My PCA thinks that I just need to try something. I can't think of a job where I wouldn't need to recall names or numbers. I really hate the thought of trying a job and sucking at it, looking like a dumbarse. I don't want to put myself out there!

Adding to my anxiety is the paranoia that I've fallen back into my pattern of simply avoiding being alone, by becoming so deeply involved with my bf. Years ago, when with my ex-hub, I'd get paranoid that I didn't really love him & was simply avoiding being alone. I freaking hated that feeling. It was/is terrifying! Many years later, and I'm suffering that intense fear again. Fudgsicles!! I try to figure out if my fear has simply been pushed all across my world, or if I really don't love my bf & I need to get out of the relationship.

How do I know the truth?? I was with my ex-hub for many years. I can't feel real confident in that I ought to know whether or not I really do love my bf. It feels so complicated to me ~ I don't want to deal with it. But I also don't want my world to get worse again, because I avoided working with my fears.

Congratulations if you've managed to read this far, and I thank you. I feel so lost.... I hate it!

(((HUG))) My heart goes out to you!! Im sorry I dont have any answers for you. Are you seeing a therapist?

I got confused with loving my stepmother, even though she was abusive. My T explained I loved her but didn't like her and that got me really confused

So, my T taught me the difference between love and like. She asked me to think of someone I liked. I thought of my husband. She then asked, "why do you like him?" I said, "because he's warm, fun, and friendly." I instantly saw (my stepmother was not even one of those :-) the difference.

So, I would start with thinking of someone you like and giving 3 reasons you like them and then applying the "reasons" to your boyfriend. If they fit (my reasons only fit one of my three brothers!) you know your boyfriend is the kind of guy you like being around, just for himself and what he gives to you and the relationship. From that you may or may not work on loving him (if you like) but you'll know you enjoy being with/around him and that's enough "reason" to keep him around :-)

Another way of doing it is listing three characteristics you are working on in your life for yourself (for me I'd like to be warm, wise, and whimsical when I grow up :-) and apply those to others you are with.

Maybe, on the job front, there's "professional" visitor sorts of roles? You know how ministers visit patents in hospitals and stuff, how you go see the old lady? Lots of people hire or might like to hire "companions" like that, people who come sit and chat and do very light "chores" occasionally (make the tea you all are drinking and then clean up the dishes :-)

http://www.simplyhired.com/a/jobs/li...nior+companion

This is NOT a stupid question, it's the question at the heart of everything we've ever done, and the whole nature of BPD, isn't it?

One good way is to get a daytimer, one of those calendars, and write in it every day at the same time. Start with what you're seeing and perceiving- noises, sensations. Then write what you're feeling- not what causes it or where it goes, but ONLY the feeling, such as, "betrayed," or "angry" or "lost" or "empty." You don't have to categorise them, or analyse them, or tell the story- those can happen in your regular journal if you want, but that's not the point. The point is to get yourself looking every day not at what you think is happening, but only for the way you feel.

Then you can ask, "why do i feel bitter?" "what can I do about feeling empty?" But you'll be in a better position for it, because you can see what you feel better with practice. You do it at the same time so you catch days when you feel okay, too.

Also include things like, "things i want to tell myself" in your regular journal, because it gives you an opening to tell yourself important things about how you feel. Keep asking these questions. Also, keep asking, "how do I feel?" all the time. All the time! And shut off every answer that has to do with what's going on, like "he betrayed me." Instead, it's, "I feel betrayed and as if i might not have enough love." This leads to the question, "how can i connect with feeling loved," not "why did he do this to me."

It's NOT about what's going on, since our perceptions of what is going on are often wrong... it's about how we feel, which is real and can be dealt with! (and when you feel good, recognise that, say, "I feel good about having finished the dishes," or "I feel happy that my friend said something nice."

My therapist pushes this on my constantly, it's taken a couple months for me to really start feeling. But it helps.

Thank you Berlie. I appreciate your empathy!
Yes, I am seeing a T. But he's on a break for a couple of weeks, before the kids go back to school.

Perna,

Thank you for sharing your personal experience and idea of listing reasons of being with my bf. That's a great idea! Thanks for the advice

I clicked on the link you gave, but no jobs of that kind are in my area. Actually, I currently visit an elderly lady once a week. It is a voluntary job, and I enjoy it a lot. But it would be nice to find one that paid a little too ;0

Thank you Sisu.

I appreciate your thoughtful response. I suppose that this Q is at the heart of BPD! Who are we and how do we really feel??

Thanks for the idea on gaining a better perspective on how I feel about whatever, by tracking beginning moods and wroking from there. I haven't tried that. That may help me gain a more clear perspective of myself. Interesting tips ~ Thank you!

I'm wondering how you're doing this week, and how keeping an eye on your feelings is going. Would you have time to update soon, and tell us what you're up to, and how you are doing with it? I'd love to hear about your progress (or even your lack of it) and I'm sure others would, too!!!

Hi sisu,

Sorry that I'm responding so late. My self-confidence does go up and down pretty fast !

I have been feeling more comfortable with my boyfriend for a couple of weeks now. Days in which I'll be absolutely giddy with love! Then, I'll have an "off" day or night and be fighting the intense urge to flee. Really frustrating to be so extreme. Geeez!

I try to repress the dark and negative side of myself. My memory disabilities do kind of come in handy when I forget what brought on the negativity that I can vaguely recall.