[Psychochick]

I met this person on Facebook, but we've gotten to be really good friends--we talk on the phone weekly, chat on FB frequently, she even sent me a gift for my birthday.

I tried to warn her early on about my BPD and how I have a really hard time keeping friends. The first time she saw one of my "meltdowns", it really freaked her out , but I apologized and she was very understanding. Then a second (milder) meltdown, which again she was willing to overlook.

But I think this time I've really done it. I'm having lots of physical problems all of a sudden, plus some other stuff going on, and it's more than I can handle. I had been doing really really well, and now it seems I have a meltdown every other day at least. And I said some things when my friend messaged me on FB that I don't think she will forgive this time--I don't know exactly why she was so offended (then again I never do ), she herself said it seemed I wasn't in a mood to talk (which was so true), but anyhow I think I have managed to run her off for good this time. I even got into an argument with my cousin on FB today!

I hate myself. The world would be far better off without me.

Maybe people are right when they say borderlines are just evil.

[Perna]

I'm sorry you're having such problems. If you think you offended her, can you apologize when you're in a better place? It is just FB so maybe the arguing won't have such bad consequences as if it were in person; explain about the physical problems/your worries and that that's not helping you keep a cool head?

[sewsweetie28]

Are you seeing a Therapist? I sounds as though you are a bit overwhelmed with things in your life right now and are regretably taking it out on your friends and family.
I have been guilty of doing the same, however, when I know I am in a "mood" or feeling upset about something, I don't talk to my friends at that moment or for the day if need be. As far as FB goes I try to keep that as a place that is mainy for positive and optomistic conversations as most people I am friends with on there are not tapped in on what BPD and the moods that go along with it are all about. I reserve such feelings and conversations for this site because I know there are tons of people who can support and understand what I am going through. This is just a suggestion on what works for me, i.e. I keep my boundries in order not to tarnish or alieniate friendships that may not be solid enough to take the abuse I know I can inflict!
I have learned some self control in the past few years, as I too have lost many good friendships, some now, that I am trying to rebuild, after years fo not talking to them. It's a hard lesson to learn and I still have to catch myself trying not to take my issues out on others!
I hope things in your life settle down soon adn that you can talk to someone who will really understand and can help you work through these difficult times! We are here for you at lest to listen and can give you our life lessons. Good luck, I hope you can work things out with your friend!! (((((((psychochick))))))

I've been in same place with people, friends...
It is very hard for people to understand 'our' ailments
We have a greater time understanding them.

I used to run people off on purpose
People used to run off when I 'acted out'

It's hard for all involved.

I say - let everyone do as much as they can, if they want.
And if it's too hard for people to be friends then for themselves it probally is better to NOT be my friend.

I have a hard time being my own friend.
But, I can't give up on me...Even though I do fight myself

So for me having 'friends' is really not an option.

I have virtual reality-ships, as best as I can

those don't hold up so much either...

but such is life

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I hate myself. The world would be far better off without me.

Maybe people are right when they say borderlines are just evil.[/quote]

Oh, I relate to this feeling!

Please don't listen to that!

It's NOT TRUE!

Please be safe, okay?

Billi

[Psychochick]

Thanks so much for all the kind and supportive replies, everyone! Clearly I was not having a good day when I posted that!

It turns out that this friend--the one I was so sure I had alienated forever--is a rare treasure. She's one of those people who somehow "gets" me, even tho she didn't even know what BPD was when I met her. She knows now that when I'm in one of my moods, it isn't about her, it's just about me and the wretched borderline stuff, and she is so wonderful about accepting that. She knows how to "talk me down" when I start getting really upset over something--I don't know how she does it, but she does!! I was on the phone with her one weekend, crying hysterically because I had just found out my beloved cat has heartworms (a lot more serious in cats than in dogs), and she was alternately comforting me and telling me firmly, "Chin up!" Well, that actually made me laugh--altho she lives in the US now, she's English, and I couldn't help laughing--I said, "Oh Lyn, you sound sooo English when you talk like that!" She started laughing too. If you'd told me at the beginning of that phone call (when I was crying so hard I could hardly speak) that I would end up laughing, I would've said you need your head examined!! Lyn is now one of my dearest friends in the world--we joke that except for my being several years older than she is, and the fact that she was born in England and I am American, we must've been separated at birth! I am blessed to have found her!!!

And I'm glad I found all of you too--you are so kind and I know you understand how frustrating and exhausting this disorder is! I've been really hyper today, feeling GREAT--I know it won't last (nobody feels great ALL the time anyhow!), but I can look back when I feel down and discouraged and know that I can still feel joy. As you know, when we're feeling really awful, we tend to think we will never feel better ever again. But thankfully that isn't true!!!

And my kitty-cat--while she still has heartworms --is taking one prednisone pill every night to help control her symptoms. It isn't a cure, but it definitely helps, and I am feeling much more hopeful about her. She's eating and drinking well, she's playing, and she's a happy girl--I can tell she's feeling good! I was worried that we would have a very hard time giving her the pills, but she has been an angel about it, even tho she doesn't exactly like it (lol), but she's making it incredibly easy for us to give her the pill every night. I am so proud of my Sweetpea!!!

Oh--and yes, I am seeing a therapist, and I got lucky with her too! We hit it off immediately--she's a wonderful, warm, funny person and I trust her totally. I'm also on meds--Cymbalta for depression and Xanax for anxiety, which is another big problem for me. I also take Ambien at times for sleep (I'm a night owl so I tend to get my days and nights backwards!), and my family doctor, Sharon (who is also terrific!) suggested that I take Omega-3 supplements every night and I do think it helps.

Anyway--sorry for babbling on so long but I am in one of my talkative moods as you no doubt have noticed! Thanks again for all the support, it really means a lot to me!

Hugs,
Patti

[lone_twin4]

She sounds like a great friend, I'm glad you have her

[lotusflames]

i've lost 4 friends recently due to what they tell me is BPD behaviour. Or what my cpn says is anyway. I see it as self preservation

[Christine001]

At 47 I have given up on making friends now as alway turn on them or think they are fed up with me, Please keep trying as its a lonely place to be.

as for evil totally relate to this when in my worst state but my intellectual self says that cant be true x

meant to add didnt go and get help through this so only just starting on my journey to recovery so maybe I will change my mind about making friends who knows

[BrokenNBeautiful]

you deserve that friend.

People can be wonderful, too.

We all need to remember that.

And again, I can't say enough that I relate so much to feeling like this, "Only a matter of time before a person will get sick of me and leave."

Not always true!

ty,

Billi