[estrella]

Hi, PC. It has been so long since I've posted. After almost a year of struggling with the label "hypochondriac" I've done my research and think I'm on the correct terms. I'm going through a rough time with everything right now. Since September, I've been on medication that doesn't help. I believe I've been treated for the wrong things and have even noticed a few things my therapist has said that match BPD.

I was hoping someone could help me figure myself out and lead me onto the right path with a few answers. I cannot visit my shrink for another two months and my therapist in one. So, here I go. I want to know if anyone with BPD can relate to my story or self injury, bulimia, and generalized helplessness.

I never felt like I belonged or that someone could care for me. I began to see my mom differently after she beat me in the head over a pop tart almost two years ago. That's when things got bad: I developed bulimia and starved myself, losing ten pounds in a month. I never met my father. He killed himself when I was six weeks old. I was then put into a foster home along side my older brother when my mom was labeled mentally unstable by the state of Florida. She was committed, affected by the death of my father. Now, my mother was married to a man that had walked out on her when she had me. I'm in the middle of three children, the second oldest. My mother never married my father. All three of my brothers are half brothers. My mother has three children; my father, two. I'm the only girl in both situations.

I have mad mood swings. In a day, I can feel 20 different things. It will start out either depression or happiness. Then it will turn to silent anger, because I want to be cared for my someone and loved, but mostly by my mother. I obsess over illnesses, but don't try to fake them for attention. I pay attention to my body and what it tells me. I look of the dizzy spells I get, the shakiness, high blood pressure. I freak out if I have more than one symptom of diabetes and look up all the information I can about it, in hopes that I am really ill, then maybe my mother would care for me. When I tell my mom my symptoms, she sighs and walks off. She's sick of the ******** with my mental state. But it's mind over matter. I know I have a mental illness, more so than any physical one, because I'm constantly obsessive over my weight, appearance, and overall health. It seems to be the only way someone can care for me.

When my mom sighs and walks away, I silently get angry. I hide my emotions from people and lie about how I truly feel. I've always been known as a liar, since I could talk. I feel guilty about it, and often harm myself when I do. I wish I could change my ways, but I lie over and over again--the size of the matter isn't a concern. Even the smallest thing, I have to hide. I feel as if my mom is going to kill me and think I'm stupid for the truth. Like whatever I do, I'm a **** up.

I really want to be accepted by my mother, but also other people too. I bend my back trying to please everyone, which leads to guilt and depression, self harm and binging and purging or starvation to cope. I hate myself, but I look for every excuse to blame it on someone else, letting them know I am not happy. I've said time and time again I was leaving everyone and talk a lot about suicide, but not to my mom. I have an all or nothing mind. I do things in excess or limited amount--starvation/bulimia/etc-- and it's insane.

Can anyone relate to this?

[swingbeatnik]

I think it is very unfair for anyone to give you the label 'hypochondriac'... it seems like you have been through a lot, and even if you don't meet necessary requirements for BPD or any other disorder, stuff like that can really affect some people. But it does sound like you have an anxiety issue, and perhaps something else.

For me, whenever I see a psychiatrist I tend to talk and talk and talk, because I finally get to talk with a professional about what I have experienced, and I end up feeling in the end that I just bugged them, and I get the sense the psych doesn't really care, or views me as naggy or neurotic or dramatic because of the way I presented myself. I miss my first psychiatrist because she was understanding and had patience with me and tried different medications instead of not willing to prescribe like a lot of other psychiatrists do. Does this sound similar?

Please keep us updated! I hope for the best for you and for the healing process to begin.

[MissMay1977]

It sounds like you were raised in a very unvalidating environment which probably contributed to your bpd. I can relate to how you feel with 20 different emotions in any given day. Have you heard of DBT therapy? It is the prefered therapy for bpd and it is very helpful and can help you to learn coping strategies so you are not harming yourself. I think this forum actually has a DBT section so you may want to check it out. Good luck.

[EvilPopTart]

I can relate to the bulimia and SI. I have alot of mood swings. It goes from frustration, anger, happy somewhat, and boredom (whether that is an emotion, i do not know.) Anything can set me off. I have a habit of blaming other people too.

Sorry you're having troubles. I hope things work out. Seeing a therapist is a good start

I relate. I've heard "hypochondriac" many times. I have BPD, Chronic Major Depression, PTSD, and on the physical side, diabetes. All of these are serious illnesses. But I've actually been told by family that nothing is wrong with me; it's just the doctors trying to get rich. If I'd only "straighten up and fly right" and do what those family members tell me to do, everything would be fine. Yes, this includes the diabetes. According to some of my family, I don't need insulin, I just need to have enough discipline to eat right and drink plenty of water. If a finger-stick test shows a high blood sugar reading, that's not evidence of diabetes, it's evidence my machine must be inaccurate. After all, nothing is wrong with me. Denial. Denial. Denial. I remember times as a child when I desperately needed medical care, but it was not provided for me, either because my parents didn't believe me, or because they didn't want to have to pay the bill. Or maybe, they didn't want to pay the bill so they *said* they didn't believe me.

The bottom line is, my family no longer makes my medical decisions for me. I am 46 years old, and I make them for myself. That's what any of us needs to do. Please ourselves, and if we so believe and desire, please God.

I'm sorry your mother is treating you this way. Don't treat yourself just as badly. Whatever you must do to take care of yourself, in a healthy manner, do it.