[3mabx]

Last night was my boyfriends formal, i left school two years ago so going with him is like my only chance. His best friend is a girl who i really like and get on on with, i know nothing is going to happen between them but the paranoia overwhelms me alot. She was sick after drinking too much and he went to the toilets with her to help. I didnt know where he was and they were gone for an hour. When i finally found him i freaked out, completely flipped worse than i ever have. I'd drank rather alot and i know that was the wrong thing to do, but it just made everything worse. It escalated into a physical fight and i left cuts all down his face. Im so disgusted at myself, i want to self harm to ease the guilt but this would only hurt him even more. His mum is bipolar and he thought she would be okay but understandably she flipped and wanted to call the police. Im not annoyed about that, i deserve it but i dont think i could ever look her in the face again. Shes been so kind to me and its like ive just thrown it back in her face. How can i ever speak to her again, and how can i apologise, i know that i have a condition but it just feels like im making excuses, it was all me and i finally feel like i should face up to the music. I want my boyfriend to hurt me, to scream at me, even cut me, i don't think i can live with myself. I dont even want to try to, i feel like everyone would be so much better off if i just killed myself. I may be sweet and we make each other so happy when its good, but the bad far outweighs the good and thats because of me, im a disgusting person. Can anyone please give me advice, i really dont think i can cope.

[Yesterdays]

Hey.

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but I'm pretty sure I have it, and I can totally understand where you're coming from. A few years ago I had a best friend, and she started to get equally close with another friend. I got really attached and jealous, and I sent her a hate email about how much I disliked her and how I never wanted to talk to her again. I got my wish, and we were no longer friends. It took me awhile to even realize it was my fault; I blamed it on her for a long time. Sometimes I still do. But I think that for the most part, I've forgiven myself.

When you have a mental illness, it's beyond your control. You can't help how it affects you, and sometimes you can't even affect what it makes you do. It might not have been the most reasonable thing to do, but I can understand why you were jealous and I think I would have felt the same way. You may have overreacted, but it's not your fault. You wouldn't have chosen to if you didn't have a condition.

Don't beat yourself up about this. It's one thing if you do this to someone when you don't have something like BPD, but it's completely different when you have a reason like this.

[bpd2]

Oh, 3! I am so sorry!
It IS the condition. The bad outweighs the good SOMETIMES. Obviously, most of the time it doesn't.
I think 80% of us have been exactly where you are (OK, different people, BUT), and it is completely understandable.
Got that? You listening?
So....give this at least a day, with the mom. Your boyfriend seems to get it....
Are you in therapy? Can you point to that as evidence that you are trying to learn better skills? If you're not in therapy, are you comfortable saying that you ARE trying to learn better skills? AND I promise you that if you do make a commmitment to learning better skills, your life will become better. PC is a great place to get help with that. I know I roam the site, getting help and solutions where I can, and sharing hugs and support (cause I need it so much, too) when and where I can.
WE love ya, and this is the place to be. How is it with your boyfriend? And how is it with his friend?
I ask because there are two other points here: one is the anxiety over any damage you may have done to your relationship--and my advice on that is: DO NOT get ahead of yourself on that. Let it unfold. Don't push anyone to say anything now. Just lots of hugs and support all around. NO JUDGMENTS.
The other point is this, I know you are disappointed in yourself in terms of "ruining" the formal. I know how that must hurt. But the formal was only an opportunity to let yourselves be lovely and to give your whole attention over to the beauty of the night. You can have more, and you will have more. That celebration does not depend upon a group effort--it happens as a group effort when you're so young, because who the heck has the resources to pull of a fantasy ballroom and so on like that....But: a couple doesn't need a ballroom. They need about 10 feet. And who needs a coursage? wouldn't you rather wear the flowers in your hair (which you can do any time you want) and be given a bouquet that won't get smashed and bruised and ruined in just one night? You can make these nights for yourselves. You don't need permission to do that. You get to do that and you can do it for each other, or you can plan it together....and you can even give him flowers! DO NOT let this pain escalate beyond regret for a milestone. Yes, the formal was an important night. Was it the most important opportunity for romance you will have? Oh, I don't think so!!! Not by a long shot! Let it be what it was. (And it sure was something, wasn't it!) But don't let is be more than it was.
Lots of love, sweetheart

[3mabx]

Thank you both, you're very kind and your replies made me feel a little better, other people dont seem to understand that any punishment they give us will be nothing compared to what we put ourselves through on a daily basis. It felt like there was a big ball inside my stomach chewing me up from the inside. I hope that he'll forgive me but i doubt that his mum will. He says he only wants to take care of me but ive messed it up all by myself, his mothers not going to want her sons life being ruined by someone as unbalanced as myself. And he deserves someone normal aswell, i know that he does shoulder ther weight of it but he shouldnt have to. He actually cried infront of me last night and you dont hurt the people you love like that, i felt like my heart was breaking. Yes im seeing a therapist but i know ive let him down aswell, he didnt get angry, just upset and that hurt aswell. I know i cant keep punishing myself but i just dont feel ready to forgive myself and i know that this will niggle away at me for weeks. I still agonize over things that i did 10 years ago I obsess over things incessantly, do other people do this too? thanks so much for all your support, lots of love to everyone. Mab

[bpd2]

Dear mab, let yourself take a breath. This isn't going to go away in a day. But it isn't going to last forever, either. Let him be loving, let yourself be loving. Even his mother has made some big mistakes in her life. I'm sure of it--because everyone does. I mean everyone. Don't try to read anyone's mind right now. I'm serious about those hugs: Get them and give them.