Hello everyone,

I have been diagnosed with BPD, and have been in the hospital quite recently. My pdoc explained to me that I will ALWAYS have negative suicidal thoughts, always! Except...sometimes they will be in the front of my mind, sometimes they'll be in the back of my mind. And the more I entertain these thoughts, the more likely they'll come to the front of my mind. It's so very true, and it makes me so sad to know this.

So many hospitalizations, so many medication trials, ECT, everything...but the thoughts will always be there. I've been struggling lots, even after being released from the hospital. Every day I struggle with these negative thoughts.

How can I help myself? Does anybody have any advice?

[Omers]

I was told that if the words "always" or "never" were used in a true/fase question the answer was most likely false.
Need to think more before saying anything else....

[Yesterdays]

Hey Melissa,

Even if your doctor is right, and your suicidal thoughts will always be there, over time I think that you'll better be able to cope with them. You'll learn how to deal with your suicidal thoughts properly, and what to do when you may be having them. You'll also probably learn to keep them in the back of your mind, and as you continue with your recovery it will be easier to forget about them.

Don't take this as a bad thing, because everything can be worked through. Maybe your doctor told you this to make you more aware of your suicidal thoughts so that you can realize what provokes them and brings them to the front of your mind. This just might be one more step to recovering. Even if suicide is always looming in the back of your mind, you still have the possibility to be happy. You're not completely doomed, so don't lose hope.

[ECHOES]

I completely disagree with your pdoc.
But, of course, you are free to choose to believe as he does or not.

BPD and all that comes with it are not permanent. Therapy provides the vehicle to learn and grow and change our perspectives that we haven't had before. When we find out where in our thinking these kinds of things begin, then we explore that and we learn about our fears and the ways we process fears and disappointments and failure and success.

We are free to grow right out of this way we are.
Unless we believe we can't. That is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What possible purpose is destroying hope ? What does that serve ? No criticisms, just things to explore, think about.

Maybe you will always have those thoughts and maybe you won't. No one has a crystal ball to see the future. Of course, everyone has negative thoughts, it's only natural. Suicidal thoughts can run from something a person feels they need to act on to something one just notices so they can see what is behind the thought. Suicidal thoughts are more about what is happening that feels very frightening or threatening, or feeling trapped, or unloved, feeling very angry, of just feeling so much pain that can't be put to words. Those are the things to think about and learn more about in therapy; when you do, the intensity of the suicidal thought diminishes greatly.

[bpd2]

I am sorry you are having a bad time right now, Melissa. Keep the faith, though.
1) Having suicidal thoughts doesn't mean you will always be in pain when you are feeling them...I've tried to understand why they are so often a nudge away, or, I turn some corner and there they are. They just are. Sometimes they're like a song stuck in my head, yet often I am free of them. When they do come knockin', I often feel like a fraud for "pretending" they're not there. But, I then remember this: I am not my emotions. I am not even, really, my thoughts. We borderlines tend to see the moment as the "moment of truth." But, it's not. It's a moment.

2) "Always having suicidal thoughts" doesn't mean always, every hour, every day, every week--even every month. It does mean they will, likely, recur. I have binges that recur, too. But I don't binge all the time.

3) I wonder if your pdoc wasn't trying to get you to focus on other things instead of grieving over a symptom? There are so many changes we can make in our lives, so many things we can have control over. I think s/he probably wants you to turn toward the skills and behaviors that you can learn, practice, and depend upon to help you avoid sinking into depresssion when sadness and disappointment do come around. Much of what we have to learn, just like bipolars have to learn it, is preventative care..."mood hygiene" my pdoc calls it.

I am so glad we have the What's good about borderlines thread in our forum. Even though it hasn't been refreshed in awhile, it's there, and it always will be. I visit it upon occasion, read over it, laugh, feel proud, feel stronger again. We know who we are, we understand us, we have a place--and it's a good one.

Keep recovering...you will, you know, because we are strong, tough, caring.

Thanks for your reply, Yesterdays. My doctor did also say that he has other patients like me who have learned to cope with their negative thoughts, and they are in the back of their minds...so they are living happy lives. Right now it seems impossible, but I suppose with every day that I get through, the closer I get to learning how to conquer my negative thoughts. An ongoing journey, I suppose?

BPD2...so happy you are with us

[bpd mess]

I also have the thought much of the time, but the more I'm learning to deal with my emotions, the less intense they are. My t said that most everyone has the thoughts sometimes, just not as intense. That there's a difference between having the thought and planning the act. I'm finally out of "planning the act". There are some days that it doesn't even cross my mind. There is hope.

[shezbut]

((melissa.recovering))

I feel for you. I can honestly relate to what your doctor said to you, as well as your emotional reaction to those words.

I am honestly stuck in that state of mind as well. Some days are tougher than others. My T put it as: " I feel as though my life sucks, and is completely pointless, but there are little moments in which I don't feel the pain." There are moments in which I actually have pleasure. Focus on those good times. And when life becomes overwhelming again, remind myself of the pain-free and pleasurable times in life.

There are times in which the darkness becomes very overwhelming for me. Thankfully, I've written on both dark and lighter days ~ so I can refer back to them. It doesn't bring me out of my dark, depressing moods, but it give me a teeny bit of hope that the darkness will ease quickly.

I think that's what your doctor was trying to say to you. He/she wasn't saying that your life will always suck completely. Basically, the mood will generally be pretty low. There will be ups ~ and downs ~ but you will go back up again. Don't lose sight of the ups! Write them down. Harmless enjoyments that you have in life. Build that list of enjoyments slowly.

Gnetle hugs to you, melissa. Best wishes!

[krisakira]

I think what your T was trying to say is that there isn't going to be that one day where you wake up and all your negative thoughts are completely gone. Negative thoughts are part of life, and everyone has them. Some just have them more than others, due to mental illness or negative experiences in our lives. The goal of therapy is not to get rid of everything negative in your life, because that is impossible. It is to learn how to cope on your own when things get bad. Learning how to survive the storm. Because storms are a part of life. I'm not saying that suicidal thoughts are a part of every normal person's life. But for us with mental illness, its probably impossible for us to never think about it ever again. I don't know if that helps you feel better or not. Just think of all the skills you have learned and will learn, to overcome those negative thoughts!

[ECHOES]

Excellent, articulate, and eloquent post, krisakira! Thanks!