[BlastAuf]

I was diagnosed as having BPD years ago and am basically a textbook case. I used to cut, have an eating disorder, I drank everyday for a year and a half, I grew up with an abusive and neglectful parent, my temper and rage is out of control sometimes and I definitely have issues with relationships.
I've gotten drastically better in the past few years, especially concerning my self destructive behaviors. I would wander around the city at night with men I had just met, drunk out of my mind and putting myself in dangerous situations pretty regularly two or three years ago. I had really pushed my friend's patience to the limit and was finding myself with a smaller and smaller support group, which of course triggered feelings of abandonment and caused me to act out even more.
I met a guy a year and a half ago and we got serious pretty quickly. I hadn't been in a serious relationship for two years beforehand and I knew that I should be careful...I tended to get attached and become intense too quickly and figured I'd push him away. It was weird because this time HE initiated the quick attachment and proposed to me three months into dating. I didn't know any better at the time and was ecstatic! My dream of a true, loving partner being there for the rest of my life coming true? Never having to be afraid of being alone ever again?? Sign me up! Of course it turned out he had emotional issues of his own and opened up to me about having been molested as a young child. My heart went out to him and I tried to be as supportive as possible...I signed him up for therapy, he refused to go. I cradled him as he sobbed to me and promised me he'd always love and be there for me, and then would lash out at me and accuse me of hating him. A few times he became violent and would put holes through walls and eventually tried to choke me. I put up with all of his erratic behavior because I could not fathom living without him and being alone. I even figured as awful as he was to me at times, he'd never leave me either....and mostly out of his own fear of being alone. There were good times, absolutely. I'd never dated a guy before who I could consider my best friend and I really believe this man was my first true love.
Two months ago he got a job, made friends there and distanced himself from me. I used to call him and have him call me throughout the day to keep in touch and make sure we were both safe, but suddenly he was exasperated and impatient with me checking in on him. I think he was embarrassed by the 'ole ball and chain' and wanted to impress his new guy buddies.
One day I couldn't take his distancing anymore, broke down sobbing with him and asked if he was ever going to leave me. That he couldn't leave me because he'd promised we'd always be together. He comforted me, promised he still loved me very much and we fell asleep in each others arms. The next day he broke up with me.
I have never been so devastated in my entire life. I really thought we would last forever and I'd never have to be afraid of being alone ever again. I lost touch with a lot of friends over the course of me and him dating since he was very bitter that I knew people and he only had me, so now I have almost no one to talk to. I got back into therapy and started taking klonopin for the panic attacks that have been plaguing me ever since it ended. I can't eat because of the anxiety and that triggered my eating disorder. I've lost 20+ pounds in a month. Of course to make matters worse, a week and a half after we broke up and we met up for coffee I saw he had a hickey on his neck. he admitted to having hooked up with a girl already. I had a panic attack in a Dunkin Donuts. He got over me so quickly! How could somebody who had promised me so much and seemed to love me more than anything in the world move on without even a small grieving period? I can't even picture dating anybody else but him at this point, but at the same time all I want is to be back in that comfortable type of relationship where we're best friends and I can be assured I'll never be alone. He was my best friend in the world and now I've lost that close friendship as well. My grandfather died a few days ago and when I called him sobbing, he told me that since we aren't dating anymore, he can't treat my problems as a priority and I had to get over it. It was the most hurtful thing anybody has ever done to me. In a course of one month he went from promising me the world to telling me to not bother calling him over my grandfather's death.
I'm so depressed.
My life is better in some ways...I'm finally moving on my own out of my parents house to Brooklyn, I did well at school and I just got a great internship. I just wish i didn't feel so alone and I also wish I didn't know that he couldn't care less if I was dead or alive.

P.S. do you think I'm playing the victim in all of this? ex-BF accused me of that all the time and I wonder if I really do tend to pay that part re-reading this...

A person could only begin to speculate whether you were playing the victim....I imagine we all do at times...knowingly or otherwise.Sometimes we simply need to be heard.Or to bounce feelings and ideas off of others for perspective.I think you genuinely feel pain in your heart...and do want answers...I know you hurt.I guess the awesome thing is hearing that you have gotten better.The life you described living before was a speedway to serious injury or other trauma.So you seem to be traveling the road of progress which is genuinely all anyone can do.In your description of childhood...those are definately factors which are contributory to borderline.However...no one here can say whether or not it is accurate.You will need to seek professional assistance on the matter.You realize that alot of the qualities that are revealed of you in your post are that of a loving person .I am sorry you are suffering the loss of a loved one...and think it is great that you are doing internship and will find that it helps to distract you from some of the darker clouds in your life atm.I wish you bright days to come! ~W~

[bpd2]

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather.
It's good to get out how you feel, no point in ignoring it. We're good listeners, but we're no substitute for therapy. Are you still in therapy?
Very cool about the internship! What's it in? And will you be in the same locations you're in now? In any case, it'll be good to meet new people. I hope you'll find people you can begin new relationships with. When my friends have gone away, that's the way it is. It takes two to keep a relationship going. It sounds like a good thing that you'll be in a new situation--hey, one way to make friends fast is to ask for their help since you're new. (Just a thought.)

You have done so much! I hope you're being good to yourself because of the struggles you have faced.

[Astridetal]

You're gone througha lot lately. I'm sorry about the loss and about the difficult relationship. Like bpd2 asks, can you see a therapist? It seems like ven though you've come a long way and progressed a lot, now is the time to seek help if you aren't in therapy already. Not because you're doing something wrong, but to help you cope with all these difficult circumstances.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by BlastAuf

I was diagnosed as having BPD years ago and am basically a textbook case. I used to cut, have an eating disorder, I drank everyday for a year and a half, I grew up with an abusive and neglectful parent, my temper and rage is out of control sometimes and I definitely have issues with relationships...

I met a guy a year and a half ago and we got serious pretty quickly. I hadn't been in a serious relationship for two years beforehand and I knew that I should be careful...I tended to get attached and become intense too quickly and figured I'd push him away. It was weird because this time HE initiated the quick attachment and proposed to me three months into dating. I didn't know any better at the time and was ecstatic! My dream of a true, loving partner being there for the rest of my life coming true? Never having to be afraid of being alone ever again?? Sign me up! Of course it turned out he had emotional issues of his own...

Two unstable people can mean a very unstable relationship -- as you have discovered. I'd say maybe you have to work on making yourself more stable now as a first priority. Would you agree?

[Skully]

Wow, you certainly are going through a lot!
Hello and welcome by the way

[BlastAuf]

Hi, thanks everybody for replying and for your condolences.
I am in therapy, I signed right back up a day or two after the break up because (Thank God) I had the foresight to know I would not be able to do this on my own. I really enjoy talking to my new therapist; she's sweet, funny, non-judgmental and gives great advice. It does kind of stress me out that I can only talk to her for an hour a week. I feel so great and hopeful after the session, but a day later I start feeling the anxiety and depression creeping back. She wants to start me on EMDR. She really thinks it will help.
Pachyderm: Exactly. I used to think that because I had the strength and will to get better that I could give him that strength and will, as well. However, after awhile I actually started to feel like he was dragging me into his misery hole. I heard myself speaking like him about how hopeless the future was and how I didn't have any friends, when initially all I did was speak encouragingly and optimistically about my future and his own. My therapist pointed out that some people just don't want to get better yet. I couldn't help him until he decided he wanted that for himself, and it seemed like he had a bad case of 'misery loves company'.
It's kind of weird, I've already made a lot of improvement in the past 1.5 months since the relationship ended. I hadn't made much progress in that year and a half...I wonder if it's toxicity was holding me back and now I can move forward.

[bpd2]

This is all very good to here! Yours is a hopeful story! I mean, full of surviving! NICE!!!

".....toxicity was holding me back...."...INDEED!~W~