[Chronic]

Ok, I know we are unpredredictable in our behaviours, but I cannot deal with the unknown when it comes to others - I am so scared of being abandoned and alone once more. Not knowing exactly how another person is going to react or respond to me sends me into a frenzy and I start to spiral quickly(like now) . I am TRYING to think about things logically but I can't keep hold of it. I just know it's all going to end in disaster once more. You would have thought I'd be able to deal with it better since it happens over and over...ha!

Sorry if this is a bit vague, I just can't bring myself to write the words right now. Just don't know what to do with myself

[bpd2]

....I've been thinking about this, too. There are parts to it, and it's hard to see just how important any one of them is--and that probably changes with the episode, anyway.

But here's what I've been thinking about:

+expectations--and I mean that we WANT something and we don't think we're going to get it

+the importance of not assuming...here's an example: a friend says her bf has made two lists of all the TV channels. One list is good, the other bad. He has shown her how to access the good list. She asked to be shown how to access the bad list. He said, "Oh, you don't need to know that. You wouldn't like them.".......She is far healthier than me. What she tells me she said was: "You're assuming."............Oh. As in, OH, that's how to stand up for yourselff, and OH as in that IS what he was doing. My friend is one smart cookie....

+that what I take as signs that someone doesn't have time for me, or that I am not important to him, may be a product of the fact that I am not validating what is important to HIM....Like, that he needs more time in his study right now because he has a lot of work that has piled up. He has to get it done. And I have to give him time to do it.......Just the way of the world.

+the part that physical sensations of fear and pain play: We're still just like little kids: If something scares us, we clam up and get really still (it might be that in an instant we will be raging in absolute fury, but that's if he is asking something that doesn't feel fair...whether it is or not and we're too confused by our pain to figure that out), and our bodies HURT . So....we need to get rid of those emotions--they feed each other, spiral until the situation shifts (and that may be what the rage is about: we are forcing a change, trying to take control?). IF we were our own child, we would probably do that first--reach out and get ahold of the little one, pull them in tight and safe, rock them a little, kiss the top of their heads, their hair. All the while saying "It will be all right. We're going to fix this." "Let's look at what happened." And then, crucial I think, we say at each stage of explanation: "What do you wish had happened here?" And then, as the adult, we answer their need: "I think I can do that for you. Let's see. This is what I need from you to help me do that."

That's where I am with it........I have a pre-adolescent and an NVLD daughter. And me. And an avoidant husband.............I'm learning to have these conversations and live to tell about it.......................

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by Chronic

Ok, I know we are unpredredictable in our behaviours, but I cannot deal with the unknown when it comes to others - I am so scared of being abandoned and alone once more. Not knowing exactly how another person is going to react or respond to me sends me into a frenzy and I start to spiral quickly(like now) . I am TRYING to think about things logically but I can't keep hold of it. I just know it's all going to end in disaster once more. You would have thought I'd be able to deal with it better since it happens over and over...ha!

Sorry if this is a bit vague, I just can't bring myself to write the words right now. Just don't know what to do with myself

(((chronic))) i'm know i'm not in the exact situation you are in, but you described how i feel perfectly. even down to the same words i use. it's hard and it hurts like crazy. i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. i don't really have anything to say more that what bpd2 already said except that you aren't alone in this.

[Uprwestsdr]

I think it helps to know that it's impossible to know the future or what's in someone else's head. You can obsess about it, freak out, but it's not going to make a difference.
Ok, you start with the facts.

The it becomes what is your strategy for dealing with uncertainty. There are number of options ... you can decide you're not going to invest a lot personally until you get a better picture. Decide to just take it one day at a time to see what happens.
It's safe to assume that the other person is just another human being with his/her own problems, assets, strengths, weaknesses. And know that we ALL feel insecure to one degree or another.

And, that no matter what happens, you'll be fine.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by Uprwestsdr

.
It's safe to assume that the other person is just another human being with his/her own problems, assets, strengths, weaknesses. And know that we ALL feel insecure to one degree or another.

And, that no matter what happens, you'll be fine.

For me, it took FOREVER to realize this. The other person is just another flawed individual, like me. My need for validation, love and nurturing is so great and I saw this other person as the answer to all that. I placed them on a pedestal, because I needed them to be all that I am lacking. What's more, I thought that individual was the only one who was like that & miracle of miracles, I had found them! I must do whatever I had to do to keep them, no matter how extreme.

Then, when things started falling apart, my world was ending. All hope was gone.

I am not saying this is what is going on with you. This was just my experience. It literally took me decades to realize that the other person was just a person & couldn't "fix" me somehow. Honestly, I still struggle with it sometimes.

I know it seems like an obvious fact, but it wasn't to me. I wonder if other BPDers have/had the same struggle?

[ECHOES]

It takes a lot practice.
Letting go of wanting to control, and being able to tell yourself that everyone is separate, everyone has their own mind, their own thoughts, their own feelings takes a lot of practicing. But it is freeing too! Because you get to where you know that you have no control whatsoever over the other's responses, so you can relax. Life becomes more interesting as you just let things happen without trying to control them, or to control the outcome, or to know the outcome. I used to say that I wanted to know what was 'down the road before I got there'; and that was the phrase I used with myself when I noticed that I was spending a lot of time thinking about what might happen. "Here I am again, wanting to know what's down the road when I can't possibly know!" Sometimes I would have decided something was going to go a certain way, other times I would stew about how something might go. Either way, I had no control over it, so when I practiced reminding myself of that, I began to feel relieved in response.

You can't know... what you don't know. Freedom!

[Chronic]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

For me, it took FOREVER to realize this. The other person is just another flawed individual, like me. My need for validation, love and nurturing is so great and I saw this other person as the answer to all that. I placed them on a pedestal, because I needed them to be all that I am lacking. What's more, I thought that individual was the only one who was like that & miracle of miracles, I had found them! I must do whatever I had to do to keep them, no matter how extreme.

Then, when things started falling apart, my world was ending. All hope was gone.

I am not saying this is what is going on with you. This was just my experience. It literally took me decades to realize that the other person was just a person & couldn't "fix" me somehow. Honestly, I still struggle with it sometimes.

I know it seems like an obvious fact, but it wasn't to me. I wonder if other BPDers have/had the same struggle?

MDD- Yes, this is exactly what is going with me right now. Although intellectually I *know* that no one is perfect, I really believed he was. And he's not. He is not going to fix me. And now my world is falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying not to obssess about it but my mind just defaults. I distract myself but sooner or later the thoughts come back stronger than ever. And so the cycle continues... I feel like I *need* someone to help me with this but no-one knows apart from T and he just doesn't understand or care.

Thanks everyone for your replies- it helps when other are going through/have been through similar things and have come out the other side

[Chronic]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Because you get to where you know that you have no control whatsoever over the other's responses, so you can relax.

Echoes- I would love to get to a place where I can accept I have no control over what is going to happen in the future and just relax- it would save an awful lot of pain! I am glad you are able to do that