[tattoogirl33]

I used to "enjoy" being me.. I was whoever I was... I have delt with being dx depressed for YEARS.. but now they tell me I'm BPD?? Ok, so I can handle this.. or can I? I'm to the point where I just want to go back to NOT knowing..

[peejcrafter]

Hi Tattoo,

I totally understand what you are saying. All I can say about having BPD is that I hate the term. I hate the labeling idea period. Mental illness is only a piece of a big pie that makes me a person, a human. "God don't make no junk"!!

[Skully]

(((tattoogirl33)))
So sorry you are having to go through this. But it was a shock to me as well when I realized I was bpd. Take your time and process your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Take it one day at a time hon and hopefully things will start to look up for you.

By the way...do you have tattoos? I always love to see a fellow female with tattoos. I almost have a full sleeve on my left arm. In total, I have about 75 tattoos on my body!

[tattoogirl33]

Originally Posted by Skully

(((tattoogirl33)))
So sorry you are having to go through this. But it was a shock to me as well when I realized I was bpd. Take your time and process your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Take it one day at a time hon and hopefully things will start to look up for you.

By the way...do you have tattoos? I always love to see a fellow female with tattoos. I almost have a full sleeve on my left arm. In total, I have about 75 tattoos on my body!

I've been on many different anti-depressants and Cymbalta for the past 7 years, but it's never really "done the job" so to say. But it was the best drug to treat my depression.

SO.. stupid me weaned myself off it after gettin the dx of BPD b/c I wanted to know what it feels like to be the real me again... I should have known better LOL.. I didn't like me then, why would that change now?

Now I'm waiting to see the shrink and get put on whatever they decide. I really don't want to be "drugged" to function. I hate it!!

And then there's the boyfriend... I feel as though he's lovin the dx because now he has a purpose.. to fix me. I have become his new project... Uggg!

As for my tattoos.. I only have 7.... so far. My right arm is going to be a dragon sleeve.. I have 2 there so far (one on shoulder and one on forearm) I just wish tats wern't so expensive... lol I used to have a "connection" to get them cheap but then I got the first divorce.... hahaha

[sugahorse1]

I have a tat of a horse head on my right ankle - I was drunk when i committed, and then had to follow through - nice!

I don't like the title of BPD. BP was much easier, as I could explain it through chemical imbalances. And the hope of finding a 'cure' seemed a lot better.
I haven't officially been dx'd BPD, but my T says she strongly feels I am BPD too.
So, I am being medically treated for BP, and then do therapy anyway.

At the end of the day, i think we're all very brave to accept where we're at, and reach out for help - to want to get better!

[ECHOES]

Do you see a psychotherapist too?
BPD doesn't define anyone, it's just a way to describe how we react/respond to things, the intensity of the feelings that can come along when something upsetting or scary happens.

I was also diagnosed as just depressed for a long time and it never felt right because of the emotional meltdowns I would have - they didn't seem to fit the diagnosis of depression. When the diagnosis of BPD came along, it made sense out of what I experienced. The BPD diagnosis came along several years after I stopped taking anti-depressants. I had been on different medications over the years and was on Prozac at the time I stopped. I stopped for several reasons: one was that I was still feeling depressed a lot so I figured: Take a pill and be depressed or Don't take a pill and be depressed, so it made sense to not take a pill; I also realized as depressed as I was, I couldn't cry, not even when I felt like it could be cathartic - to have a good cry and feel better afterwards; I also was curious as to what I felt like without the emotionally numbing drug - who was I underneath?
So I stopped medication and decided to do just psychotherapy. I have been in therapy for 3+ years and it has helped me in permanent ways, by allowing me to voice my fears and worries and hopes, and see what it is that comes along that interferes and is hard to deal with in my life. We explore it, break it down to see what my perceptions are and if they are accurate, for example. It has really helped me with my relationships.

So I just wanted to offer a non-medication story

[sugahorse1]

I am on both meds and psychotherapy. Wow, therapy has been such an eye-opener for me. I still cannot cry in therapy, but I make up for it in my own space
I have discovered I have underlying emotions I never knew I was dealing with.
Wellbutrin has been the first drug to offer me any relief from the depression.
And I too have stopped my meds about 3 times, as I just never felt better and therefore didn't want to have to deal with meds too. It was a bit of a defiant act...

[yagalada]

bpd is a hard diagnosis for me to accept, but it makes so much sense to me. it was years into treatment that i got the diagnosis. sometimes i go through phases where i embrace it, work with dbt groups and try to find self awareness. other times, i reject it as a sexist label used to keep me in the system, to keep telling me i'm sick and theres no hope and that i'm untreatable.

i was under the impression that meds don't help bpd, at least thats what my various prescribers have told me. i found dbt and art therapy to be really helpful. dbt to learn how to communicate better and get through the rough spots, and art to get all the emotions out safely.

[bpd2]

Originally Posted by yagalada

i was under the impression that meds don't help bpd, at least thats what my various prescribers have told me. i found dbt and art therapy to be really helpful. dbt to learn how to communicate better and get through the rough spots, and art to get all the emotions out safely.

Would you say more about the art therapy? I am really interested in it.

As for meds helping...I do get help from them, in the sense that they help control the heights of moods, which give me the sense of having more time to slow down my reaction. It's possible, though, that they just plain slow me down....

[yagalada]

I really like art therapy! There's anything from structured groups to just doing the art yourself and maybe bringing it in to your therapist if you want. Basically the structured art therapy is usually done in a group setting. in the hosp they called it occupational therapy. just free drawing/painting/collage can get people relaxed enough to talk. then there are usually set projects - draw how your feeling inside, draw how you want to be feeling, do a collage of life goals. it can be about using art to transform the chaos we feel into something we can make sense of an heal. the art can show us a way out of the abyss.

what i do at home is a lot of found object collage and mixed media stuff. it helps me to get my mind off of stuff, helps to occupy my time and makes me feel like i can get something accomplished. ive also done some work that has helped illustrate some of the trauma i went through.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

At the end of the day, i think we're all very brave to accept where we're at, and reach out for help - to want to get better![/quote]


I do not intend to dismiss the encouragement you have offered in this statement, but I feel like I have no other choice but to reach out for help; therefore, I do not feel brave at all.

I feel very cowardly & inferior & believe that to be true. I seek the help to make things better because they are so horrible where I am now that I am compelled to do something to change them. But that is not bravery, it is desperation. My only other choice is death & I have proven that I am not able to die either.

Suicide is not something I can succeed at, as experience has taught me. Some may say that is because I was not serious about it when I did make attempts, but I know what my intentions were. What I know now is that it is not in me to do myself in, at least not without the aid of some mindbending alcohol. I have not indulged in that since April of 2009, my last failed attempt.

I had actually realized years before that any attempts at suicide would be useless. It was only the presence of a large amount of alcohol that clouded my mind enough to make me think there was an escape from being me. When I am sober, I know that I am trapped.

Again, trying to improve the circumstances that come with being me & learning how to best deal with my afflictions is not bravery, but desperation. Desperation is not to be commended. I would hope it would be understood.

Perhaps I am the one who is not seeing the bravery though. Can you tell me what you mean? How can this asking for help be an act of bravery? Although it is not that for me, I would like to know how it is so for others. Tell me more about that please. Thank you.

[ECHOES]

@MDDBPDPTSD: I respectfully disagree.
I think that getting help makes you brave because getting help means you are more willing to learn how to live with you than without you. Taking action out of desparation is still brave!

[disguise123]

its ok to have BPD.
It is no different to having BP, ADD, Autism.....etc etc.
You are still you whatever the label. Only misinformed people would see it as something that is your fault.
you need care and nuturing like anybody else
Especially from yourself.
It is not something you can magically change , but with some good therapy and maybe some medication you will find a way to manage your condition.never give up, never blame yourself .
Bpd is a very missunderstood dx. It is not something you should feel shame for.
I will be thinking of you.
Xxx

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

@MDDBPDPTSD: I respectfully disagree.
I think that getting help makes you brave because getting help means you are more willing to learn how to live with you than without you. Taking action out of desparation is still brave!

OK. I am NOT trying to be contentious. I am trying to see what you see. How is taking action out of desperation brave? What makes it brave? Please elaborate. I would very much like to be able to see this from your perspective.

[ECHOES]

You tried many ways of coping, you ended up in a place you call depsperation.
You didn't stop there, you didn't decide there was nowhere to turn.
You chose another path. I think that is brave.

I think just being in therapy is brave.
I think being willing to look within, to try new ways of thinking and doing, are brave and not everyone is willing to even consider it - you are doing it!