[Evening]

Hi all, I hope you don't mind me dropping by in the BPD forum, I just have a question that yall might be able to answer.
My cousin has BPD, I don't know a great deal about, but I do know a moderate amount. The other day I remembered something she did to me years ago that I still haven't got over, and the thought came to me that maybe it was because of her BPD that she did it.

I have always had a thing about my hair, I was bullied a lot when I was younger and people always picked on my hair because it's so curly and it was very frizzy, I didn't know how to look after it. People always commented about it, asking me if I was so poor I couldn't even afford a brush or a comb, and every time I had it cut the hairdresser would always be, uh, over enthusiastic with the scissors, claiming it needed that much to be cut off, even when I made it clear I wanted no more than a certain amount cut. I've tried forever to grow it long, and after 23 years it still isn't as long as I've been striving for. But it would be by now if it wasn't for my cousin.

Maybe 7 years ago, I asked her to cut some split ends off my hair. I trusted her, and I showed her exactly how much I wanted done- less than an inch. Well I gave her the scissors, thinking that she's cut that amount. Until she finished. I looked on the floor and saw how much she'd cut off, and nearly hit the roof. She had cut off a good 20cms, making my hair (when straightened) from almost the middle of my back, to above my shoulders. She literally cut half my hair off, and I had to go to the hairdresser to get it professionally cut because of what she'd done.
For years I had no idea why she'd do just a thing, it was quite obviously no mistake at all. I wondered if she did it out of jealousy, because she always used to copy me when we were teenagers, and I think she still does it a little now. I then found out a few years later from her brother and sister that she had indeed cut half my hair off intentionally, she had admitted to them it was no accident.

Yes I am still angry about it, I know it's been a while and maybe petty to be mad about after so long, but I'm very touchy with my hair as I said because of the way I was treated years ago. So I was wondering (and please excuse me if I am totally wrong), could she have done this because of her BPD?

Thanks guys

[Perna]

Nothing is done "because" of BPD. Your cousin decided to do what she did with your hair.

How we look and how we feel about how we or others look is a very personal thing. There is no right or wrong way to look, nothing wrong with hair of any type!

The people making fun of you, your own distaste for your own hair, and what your cousin did on a whim of her own are all similar sorts of things; people get an idea or thought or belief and other people's opinions don't matter.

Have you ever talked to your cousin, now that you are both grown about what she was thinking and why she cut your hair so much then? You were both young and without much experience. Your cousin couldn't have cut your hair well then, of course you had to go to a professional to get it "fixed" after she finished with it! Forgive yourself and her.

Evening, I think you mentioned that even when you have gone to the beauty salon the hair dressers have tended to overdo the trim. Unless you want to hazard a guess that all hair dressers have borderline personality disorder I don't think you can consider your cousin's overzealous trim to being boarderline. As Perna mentioned, you've taken a lot of grief from people over the subject of your hair. A person's hair, particularily women, is a very very personal thing. I can only imagine how hurt and dismayed you were by your cousin's haircut. I think a conversation with her about the topic is in order, especially since you're still upset about the incident seven years later. If she's able to muster up the necessary empathy about how hurtful this was for you, she owes you a big apology!

[Evening]

Perna, why would I need to forgive MYSELF for anything? I haven't done a thing.
The point is that she admitted she had done it intentionally, she knew what she had done. I've brought it up with her and she won't say much.

Jaybird- when the hairdressers cut my hair, they have never even remotely cut off as much as she did, what she cut off was literally half my hair, perhaps even more. I only ask if her having BPD was her reason for doing it because of other things she used to do too, and the way she is now.

[emerald5580]

I recommend talking to her as an adult. And I dont think you can blame one incident on a whole disorder

>> I only ask if her having BPD was her reason for doing it because of other things she used to do too, and the way she is now.<<

Honest and direct answer: No, I don't think that BPD is responsible for the way she cut your hair. But I really hope the two of you are able to work things out!

[Evening]

I don't blame one incident on a whole disorder, there are many things she has done as well. She will do one thing that seems very caring, and then say something rather malice, like that someone has said something really awful about me, that has then turned out to be not even remotely true.
I don't want to offend anyone here in any way and make people with BPD sound bad, yes I'm sure I just have a poor understanding of BPD. I do know a little bit about BPD, but I don't understand it too well to know if having BPD 'causes', for want of a better term, someone to do certain things. I wasn't sure if she did it out of spite or jealousy, or if there was more to it. Not just this incident I guess, but other things she's done too.
I'd talk to her about it and have brought it up as I've said, she doesn't have much to say on the subject.

[Martina]

Even if it does have anything to do with Borderline, that doesn't excuse her behavior. She was wrong.

That said - how many years ago was this? Holding a grudge does no good. Forgiveness does. Your hair can grow back, but do you always want to hold a bad feeling towards your cousin?

She screwed up. I won't say she didn't. And I don't know why, but the why does not matter. Let it go, and be at peace.

[Onzichtbaar]

I haven't posted here in a long time but this thread interested me.

I think the answer is probably two-fold - yes and no (but for the most part, no).

Firstly, and this is stating the obvious, having BPD is not a critical nor necessary factor in doing something like that (!). Rather a person has to be feeling a good deal of anger and malice to do such a thing, and while people with BPD might have strong feelings, including feeling angry, they are NOT bad people (or at least no worse than anyone else) and they are not necessarily full of malice.

What probably is the case is that you have a person who, for whatever reason (jealousy perhaps), felt malicious and wanted to hurt you. When you let her cut your hair she realised this presented an opportunity. The thought came to mind of cutting more off than you'd asked for. It can be that in that moment she was so consumed by that feeling of malice and the desire to act on her fantasy to cut off your hair that she did not hold back.

And it is exactly that aspect that could be BPD-related - the not holding back - having a feeling that is so strong that one acts upon it impulsively without restraint. So, I think it's very important to separate two things - firstly the intentions and secondly the process through which those intentions are acted upon. People with BPD are not bad, they have difficulties regulating their emotions (research points to the limbic system - a part of the brain that regulates and processes emotion). In the same sense a person might feel very angry toward himself and have the desire to hurt himself. The lack of emotional regulation and impulse control associated with BPD could then lead to an act of self-harm.

This pattern of emotion disregulation combined with certain strong emotions could indeed lead to a pattern of hurting others - but just as often it could result in a person hurting herself. Either way, having BPD does not make it 'ok' or even excuse it - the same set of moral standards apply to those with BPD as those who don't have this label.

So, don't blame it on the BPD. What she did was malicious. I wouldn't actually advise bringing it up again with her. It's long ago and your hair has grown back. Don't get her to cut your hair again (!) and if this whole event is still haunting you then I'd find a good friend to talk to about it or a professional - it seems to me that this incident is one of many surrounding your hair that has caused you pain. Perhaps it serves as a symbol of all that hurt and that's why it's still so poignant for you.

Personally I think 'big' hair is great - I've got boring straight flat hair and would love to have a fuller head of frizzy hair.

Onzi