[onmyway]

Hello all. I'm new to this forum. I have been dx'd with BPD, PTSD, severe depression, general and social anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive personality traits..

What i seem to be struggling with a lot lately is that people call me manipulative, selfish, constantly point out that in a particular situation what/how i see it is not how it was meant, or accusing me of verbally attacking them (in a way, not swearing or anything like that, just blaming or taking my anger out on them if this makes sense?) .. i realize these are BPD traits. What i struggle with is the fact that I DONT SEE IT!!! This really, truly bothers me. I try to be a kind person and don't *try* to be selfish or hurtful. I also *try* to take responsibility for my own actions, but i've heard a lot lately that i often don't do that either.

How do i work so that 1) this stops happening, and 2) i actually recognize when it happens. ? What skills to use? And HOW is it that i don't see it?! That is so very puzzling.

Insight is appreciated, thank you.

[babygirl2201028]

I suppose the only advice that I can offer is get to know more about your dissorders, and get a theripist... try to not let it bother you, if you know you are not those things then thats all that matter, how you think and feel. good luck, maybe iven talk to a higher up person here, there are alot of caring people hrer who could help you way more than I did.. But it shows alot that you asked for help...your in the right direction... good luck.

[Evil Schnoodle]

I agree with Erica - read and learn. There is also a wonderful practice called mindfulness. This has been helping me be aware of what I am doing. You can find lots of information on Youtube and other places (many great practitioners, but a good one to start with is John Kabat-Zinn) Mindfulness meditation has taught me to be in the here and now "non-judgmentally". I notice what I am doing but not beating myself up over it (or that is what the plan is anyway). There are also many great books out there on Mindfulness, some written just for BPD. I started learning about all this recently while I was hospitalized - diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. I wish you well!

[FooZe]

Hi, onmyway, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by onmyway

What i seem to be struggling with a lot lately is that people call me manipulative, selfish, constantly point out that in a particular situation what/how i see it is not how it was meant, or accusing me of verbally attacking them ... i realize these are BPD traits. What i struggle with is the fact that I DONT SEE IT!!! This really, truly bothers me....

I also *try* to take responsibility for my own actions, but i've heard a lot lately that i often don't do that either.

That's a tough row to hoe. (Convoluted sentence coming up, brace yourself! ) The distinction that I think will help you most in making sense of your situation, is the one between what your perceptions and intentions are at any point, and what others tell you they must have been. The question I often find most useful is, "How do I (or they) know that?"

I don't know you nor the people who have been labeling you, but I'd be very surprised if it turned out that they always knew you (and what was good for you) better than you know yourself. I've been around people who were into scapegoating me; by far the best thing I can say about the experience was that it felt so good to get away.

I like Evil Schnoodle's recommendation of mindfulness. We don't know yet that you actually have BPD but no matter -- it turns out that one of the most effective treatments for it is mindfulness-based: DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy. A little more about it (and its relatives) here.

[onmyway]

Thank you Erica for the support. I've been trying to learn about them, but there's still much for me to learn. I do in fact have a therapist, who does not believe i have BPD, but rather PTSD, depression/anxiety and whatever else i mentioned lol. She is mainly working on my past (abusive childhood) hoping that healing from that heals my issues now. I also see a psychologist 1X a week, who does believe i have BPD and with her i am working on DBT and borderline issues. It's like a full time job i think.

Thank you Evil Schnoodle. I actually have several books on mindfulness, mostly of buddhist orient, authors like Thich Nhat Han and the Dahli Lama, though i will look into the ones you recommended. My problem is in applying it -- it's hard and my attention wanders away on me and i get frustrated; start over, my mind wanders, i get frustrated.. eventually i give up or a mood swing will come and then i simply seem incapable of following mindfulness, as my feelings are then completely overwhelming.. i do understand it takes practice practice practice. I've just never been a patient type.

Fool Zero, thanks for the welcome. Your explanation does make sense to me, and when i am told i am being manipulative (or any of the other things) i used to brush it off, or get angry or whatever; but as of late, i have been stopping and going over the situation - generally once i am no longer in any severe emotion it may have caused - to see if they had a point or not. Some of the people who say these things have known me for a very long time, others not. I will also check out your link. For the record, i was hospitalized for about 4 months last summer, just got out in november. They did all kinds of psychological testing and such on me and that's where my 'labels' come from. Well, i was also dx'd at 15 yrs with PTSD and dissociation. And in my early 20s with depression/anxiety. The other testing they did in the hospital just kind of confirmed all that, and then the BPD was thrown in the last couple months. Who knows? I personally, at first, didn't think i qualified as BPD, argued, yes i have some traits, but not enough to be called borderline. Well in february i was back in the hospital because i started hallucinating and became paranoid.. they called it a 'transient psychotic break' .. apparently something that can happen to borderlines under extreme distress.. so i asked for more literature on BPD and ... suddenly, it occured to me that i very likely am a borderline. This different literature i was given just struck home more than the basic info i was given. I'm still struggling to accept it, but i like my psychologists point of view; So what? You have a problem, and i'm going to treat it as such. And together we're gonna kick it in the ***.'

Thanks everyone!

[Evil Schnoodle]

Fool Zero's comments are awesome. Ask yourself "what is the evidence that I am being ____? What is the evidence that the other people know me better than I know myself? What facts support__________? " This will help separate feelings/ emotions from the facts.
About mindfulness: The writer you just mentioned are all great too. What I have found helpful are guided mindfulness meditations. I struggle with them too ("I'm thinking! I'm judging myself! I'm doing it wrong!) What I have learned in those moments is to imagine you are gently shifting your awareness back to the present item/feeling/ task at hand...even if you have to do it 1000 times. The mind will wander, that is it's nature. Mindfulness is a great Buddhist tradition that was borrowed by the creator of DBT.....and it is good for so many things. It has helped me stop and think , or notice what I am feeling , during interactions with my fiance. I will think "I feel anxious and off-center now. It is likely I will get angry or misinterpret things. Time to play it safe and acknowledge / validate her" It seems to be working......
Again...all the best to you..............

[onmyway]

Thank you Evil Schnoodle. That advice can come in particularly handy today since i'm headed into a somewhat stressful situation.