[Oscura]

My long distance fiance was married twice and has 4 kids with his first wife. At first it was hard for me to accept but I love him and I am ready to love and take care of his kids as my own too. But suddenly there is another problem. He wants to be friends with his ex. He said "It is too important to me and I know we will not make it if I compromise on this. The choice is yours..." So literally I read it, either you accept it or you can be going your way. I know from his own words she was the strongest feeling in his life and he got his heart broken badly when she dumped him shortly before we met each other. We have been together for almost a year and planned to get married this spring. Somewhere around the New Year he suddenly befriended her on fb and we had a bad fight about it. He told me he wanted to have contact with her because of her son, whom he misses and wants to be able to send him pics and just chat and it would never go further than just that. That time we seemed to be past that though, we talked and he deleted her and we agreed that I will be very understanding about his female friends in general but her. Now she suddenly texts him asking for help. The matter is she is going through divorce and her husband seems to be screwing her up, she lost her job and has no money to get a lawyer so she asks my fiance to help her with that because he knows a thing or two. I do not understand why she would turn for his help after she dumped him. She has a bf now, my fiance is not a lawyer and it hurts the hell out of me just thinking my fiance is so defensive over her that he is ready to throw away our relation over it. I tried to tell him it hurts my feelings. He knows I am bpd and I am trying as hell to work on my jealousy and already have some progress with this but I just can not accept that girl! I am probably gonna get eaten alive now but I still wanted to ask because obviously we are done anyway. How would you feel if it happened to you? What would you do?

[shezbut]

(((Oscura)))

I can relate to your hurt emotions and feeling in danger. If I were in the same position, I guarantee that I'd be feeling very paranoid....despite the fiance's reassurance. I think that it's pretty natural to feel that way.

I don't know if my personal experience can help you feel better ~ but my ex-hub and I have 2 young girls (aged 8 and 6 yrs). We share custody, which does require frequent communication. Sometimes, I've had to do him favors...and vice-versa, largely to reduce tension between us & ensure that our children feel loved and treasured by us both. We're both tight on money ~ for different reasons...but that doesn't mean that our children should pay the price of our different ideals.

I think that it will continue to be this way for a long time. It doesn't mean that we love or miss one another. We do love our girls though, and that's what's important to us. Does that help you feel better at all? I sure hope so hon! Chances are pretty good that your fiance has a similar opinion on that topic.

[Oscura]

Thank you for your post, and thank you so much for you support. I totally understand about ex-hub and kids involved. Its natural in this case to have necessity to keep in touch. I do understand it about his kids and his ex wife though she hates me. But it hurts me so bad knowing he wouldnt try to undertand my feelings about him communicating to his ex gf... its hurting the hell out of me. with my bpd it makes things twice more hurtful. I dont know how to deal with this jealousy :'(

Hello, Oscura. Knowing this person already has had two failed marriages and has told you to accept his terms or end the relationship, why do you think you have the problem?

[Oscura]

I dont know. I really dont. I think I just have no faith in me. Everyone says jealousy is bad, so the problem is in me

What everyone says is not a reason to remain in a relationship as you describe. Is professional help an option for you?

[jfocker]

I'm sorry to hear about the way he's treating you. Sometimes there's a real reason to be jealous, and this sounds like one of them to me. Is she the ex he has 4 kids with, or he just misses *her* child?

What I would say and do wouldn't help you lol, so maybe ask him *why* is it sooo important for him to be friends with her? See what he says. What kind of friends? Occasionally say hi, or be texting all the time?

I read this fake story years ago...A woman went to a counselor for help with her jealousy issues. The counselor asked her, what makes her think she has jealousy issues? She replied " When me and my boyfriend go out, he leaves me and goes and dances with other women. He told me I'm jealous and to get over it. "...Umm, yeah, obviously she's not jealous, he's a *&**%$!!!

I agree totally with above poster btw.

Don't let someone take advantage of you because they know you have issues. Being "friends" with an ex is not a good idea. Especially when she left him and broke his heart! I'd be very leery on this one. I'm sorry, I hope I'm being helpful and not hurtful or anything. I just really feel for you hon and big hugs : )

[Oscura]

Thank you jfocker Its so good to know someone knows how it feels and doesnt think I am just being a psycho... It was been my old thread... I thought me and my fiance kind of got over that issue that time but here I am back to the same problem again... The time I created this thread our relation was not in the best place and when I started to push little harder with my demands, he starting distancing himself more and more and I got scared I could lose him over that thing with his ex and slowed down. Answering the questions of the previous post, the 4 kids he has are with a different woman, his ex wife. the boy of his ex gf he says he misses is not his son. He says its important to him simply because he has been civil with all his exes and just ppl around in general. He keeps telling me she is just his friend and he doesnt really care for her as a woman. He also says they dont go out together or anything like this, they keep in touch through fb, texts and emails from time to time or just see each other through their other friends occasionally. He also said she has a bf now. I am not there so I dontk now how close it is to the truth but I dont see the reason not to trust him on that. The thing is I am bpd, so he tries to assure me that it is just part of my sickness overreacting, being jealous and trying to control things. I didnt want to lose him and thought it might be really me. I tried my best to work on my jealousy, swallow my hurts and just assure myself that it is not a bid deal, but it still hurt me to see her comments on his fb page and I deleted him from my friends list and asked him to change the settings so I can not read anything on his wall. When he did so, for couple of months we were fine because I could not see their chats there and beside that part we were great. In a month I am planning to finally move to his country and we have been very excited about it, making plans for our wedding and future. Untill I recently came across his dads fb page comments where I saw her calling his parents mom and dad and flirting with my fiance commenting on his pictures and him answering her in a pretty playful tone too. I feel deceived and my heart ripped. I talked to him and told him how I feel and that I honestly tried to accept him being friends with her but I can not take it any more. I feel that its somehow wrong to force him to stop communicating to her as if I am trying to control and change him and do not tust him but I also feel like Im forcing ME to swallow what he does in order to keep him. So we are kind of at a dead end and just can not be together... This time I am pretty determined I can not deal with it, whether it is right of me or not. But I feel so devastated too because we were so close to our wedding and life together, I love him so much omg I dont know how to just walk away We have waited to be together for a long year.