[kbeller88]

I was diagnosised with BDP last monday and since then I started lamictal and quit my welbutrin. They kept me on my Visteril and prozac, but in the past few days I started fallin into depression again. Its like walking up a hill and once you get to the top you start walking back down, when you get to the middle you start running down the hill. When I'm at my lowest point (which is a few hours or a day or two after my depression starts), its like I fall flat on my face and I just want to kill myself and get it over with. Just as suddenly as I fall its like my mind picks itself back up, brushes off the dirt, and I'm suddenly on the top of the hill again, waiting for the next fall...I have to do something but I don't know what to do. I just want be balanced.

I also start self harming when I'm like this, I dont really cut I just like to take a diabeties needle and repeatedly puncuture my skin, normally on my knuckles. I also become addicted to fire, burning things in my ashtray, putting cigarettes out with my fingers, warming up metal and touching my skin...ughhh I can't take this anymore.

[lynn P.]

(((kbeller88))) - I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Whenever a person stops one medicine and adds a new one, then starts to have problem - you should consult your doctor ASAP. Some meds can actually increase suicidal thoughts in some people. Let your doctor know how this is like a wild roller coaster ride. If you can't handle this in your own and feel in danger, please go to the emergency room. I hope you feel better soon and get stabilized.

((((Big,big huggs sent out to you.))))I understand just how you feel.It can be so very tiring to have to walk through that fire all of the time.There are so many people here who can relate to how you feel.Please keep reaching out for support,and read some of the posts that others here have made regarding these feelings.There is a lot of support to be had....and to give.~W~

[kbeller88]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

(((kbeller88))) - I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Whenever a person stops one medicine and adds a new one, then starts to have problem - you should consult your doctor ASAP. Some meds can actually increase suicidal thoughts in some people. Let your doctor know how this is like a wild roller coaster ride. If you can't handle this in your own and feel in danger, please go to the emergency room. I hope you feel better soon and get stabilized.

I was to that point earlier...i now have 4 burns and 4 cuts that I re-opened( they were actually almost healed)...

I'm to the point now that I'm on the top of the hill again. Its just like someone flips a switch and I'm all better. I was contemplating suicide again, how I was going to do it, when the right time was, I just want it to end, blah blah. I guess I self-medicated and now I feel like I've drank a full pot of coffee(I had a cup because at 8am bc I couldn't stay awake, its 230 now). Every part of my body wants to jump up and run a race! But I'm so tired too...

I swear my husbands gunna divorce me one of these days and take my kids from me because I'm a basket case...

[lynn P.]

Is this a pattern you've been through before or do you think its from the change in meds or a new medication causing these extreme mood shifts? Have you told your doctor about these moods swings and suicidal thoughts? I hope when you have the thoughts, you can think back and remember these feelings will pass - so you won't be in danger. I lost a brother to suicide and I wouldn't want another family to go through that pain. I hope your moods will even out soon.