All of these tears everyday, why do they come? Why wont the go?
Im so sick of these voices and thoughts also the feeling so low.
Everyday these thoughts of hopelessness and despair,
No happy thoughts anymore, more bad than I can bear.
I give up; I cant keep going all I can think about is suicide,
All day everyday its what I hear; I honestly just want to die.
Every time I hurt myself, every time I slide the blade on my wrist,
I think of how I could just push that blade in deeper, I wouldnt be missed.
I dont think anyone understands, they all pretend that they do,
They don't really get just how bad it is, if only they knew.
I wish I could explain to them just how hard things are for me,
But they wont believe me, so I guess Ill just let it be.
I dont want to do this anymore its all too hard, I cant cope,
I just want to die, I cant do this any more, and I have no hope.

I know I said I wouldn't post again. I guess I was wrong.

I'm really struggling atm.

I got brought to ED 12 hours ago because my cousins partner didn't trust me to stay safe while they were out. probably a good thing since I was planning to OD. now I'm under the mental health act and I just want to go home.

the psych said he'd get my old notes from where I moved from in the morning and we'd go from there.

I had been thinking maybe a longer admission would help because the 24hour ones aren't. but now I'm here the voices are so much worse and want me to leave and do what they say, so I'm not sure I want to stay.

I don't know what I'm looking for I'm just really not coping.

being discharged because I'm borderline so they don't take anything I say seriously. they don't care how bad the voices are or how suicidal I am. I'm borderline so I must be okay.

the voices have won. I don't care anymore.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

sorry you are hurting so much.

so sorry.

Billi

[nicoleb2]

Sorry to hear that they are not taking you seriously. I have had to deal with some of that as well.

I hope things improve!

i stopped seeing that therapist and have started seeing a clinical psychologist, who's really nice. the crisis team are useless they don't even call back after me calling 5 times saying it was urgent.

While I was in emergency they treated me really badly. They didn't take anything i was saying seriously and when i said i wanted to go home and they ended up putting me under the mental health act so i didn't leave, i heard them say that i wanted to be put under the mental health act.

When i got home the first thing i did was compromise with the voices and cut instead of killing myself. Then i was so upset i cried for hours even though we had visitors over i just locked myself in my room and cried. I decided i wanted nothing to do with the crisis team or the hospital so i tried to cancel my appointment i had that afternoon, and after leaving 5 messages with the crisis team saying it was urgent that they called me back i gave up trying to cancel it and decided to just not go. Then they called me back 30minutes before the appointment and said that i needed to go. So i left the house still in tears to go to the appointment.

At the appointment it was a doctor i'd met before in ED and he was fairly nice, and the psychologist who was there was nice too. The doctor started talking about an admission and i said i'd go voluntarily as long as it was a proper admission and not just a 24hour admission because the 24hour admissions haven't been helping, so he went out and called the consultant psychiatrist and then he came back in and said i was going into the psychiatric emergency care centre and would be reviewed on a day by day basis. Then they had to take me across to emergency because even though i didn't think i needed them they said i needed stitches. That was Friday.

Saturday morning a different doctor reviewed me and said that i'd be in until Monday. Then a few hours later one of the nurses came in and said i was being discharged at 4pm Saturday because i "didn't really need to be there".

I know that i am not being taken seriously because i have been diagnosed with borderline. When i spoke to my old case manager on Thursday he said that he thought it might happen as soon as i was diagnosed with borderline no one would take me seriously.

I have decided that i am having nothing to do with them anymore. I'm not going back to ED and i'm not answering any calls from the crisis team. Also I am taking myself of my meds. I am sick of being treated like crap because someone decided i have BPD even though i don't fit all the criteria.

I'm really worried about a friend at the moment, she's really depressed, the worst i've seen her.. and i have seen her depressed, we used to live together so i'd say i know her pretty well. i don't know how i can help her. Georgi, if your reading this i love you <3.

my arm is killing me and all bruised where she put the stitches in, but all i want to do is make it worse.

my cousin and her partner are going out for drinks tonight and they are trusting me to be home alone...

i just don't know what to do anymore.

i have deleted my Facebook and will probably delete this account too. because all i do is bring people down and "have episodes" and "manipulate everything" and "be self-indulgent" and "play games".

i am not posting this for attention or replies, in fact the only reply i would like is if someone could actually tell me how to delete my account.

bye.

[Flooded]

I don't know how to delete accounts, but I wish you well.

I hope you find your way

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Im sorry you're so upset Quiet one... Things can be so hard. I get so tired of people labelling me as well sometimes. I don't think it's just because of the borderline, I think really it's a space and money issue with the hospital unfortunately. When I was hospitalized they found over 70 fresh cuts on my when I was admitted. I was only in for 5 days and was starting to do better. The doctors and I were working well together and they saw the progress I was making but they also saw I wasn't better. I was still cutting and I was still restricting my food and I would still cry all the time and our sessions were not the easiest. I knew I needed another 10 days or so in there but the moment word came in that my insurance did not want to cover the bill since it was a out of state hospital (only 30 minutes from where I lived though) they all of a sudden tell me "You're doing great! You will be just fine on your own! You're ready to go!" and I told them I wasn't ready. That I needed to be in there a little while longer. But they sent me on my way. I did so well there...
So 2 days later (as I knew would happen, but didn't think so soon after) I was admitted to another hospital the insurance company would not cover. I went willingly like the first one but at the new hospital, their idea of therapy was cleaning their property and taking walks. That was all we did. Oh and we did worksheets in a classroom with all the other kids in the room with us. So since I admitted myself I was able to leave and left after only 3 days on my own. I still cut. When I left the second hospital though I knew it was up to me to fix myself at that point. It was obvious to me that I wanted to get better, otherwise I wouldn't have gone to the hospital looking for help. But they didn't want to help me get better so I knew I had to do it by myself. The last day I cut was 2 days after that second hospital visit. My life and mental state are FAR from perfect to this day but I no longer cut and no longer have the urge to SI at all really.

Unfortunately too many people are motivated by the wrong reasons and seem to car little about us, sometimes it's up to us to fix things. It will make you a much stronger person and more confident in yourself and the way you handle future situations. I'm sorry again for the pain you are dealing with and I wish you all the best and I hope to hear from you again soon! Take care!

I hope that you can keep yourself, You do matter. BPD sucks.

[Forgive77]

Quiet one...I think asking for help is good. I never know how to do it, and I constantly want to hurt myself. Asking for help was apart of my psyciatrist's insistance today...so I had to write and e-mail asking for help to all of my family. Very hard....but it's good you know how to do that. Good for you!!! You're on the right track!! xoxxoxoxoxoxox