[LatinTigress]

When I was pregnant I thought that I was going to be a great mom, that I would never get tired of playing with my beautiful baby girl. But that hasn't happened.
Every since she was born, I noticed that she was more attached to her father than she was to me, even though I was breastfeeding her. The first 8-10 months I was pretty much the one in charge of taking care of her. But as the months went by, her father became more and more involved, while I became less and less involved, to the point that he was the one doing almost everything, except for cooking. I don't blame him since (to my horror) I was actually relieved. I thought "He's better at it, he's a natural". Now I realize that that wasn't the case at all. I was beginning to feel the fragmentation of my emotions.
It came to a point that when I've decided to divorce her father, he was even the one that bathe her, change her, comb her hair (thing that should be solely done by the mother) while I just sat there, minded in my own world.
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my heart and soul. I can't imagine my life without her.
After the divorce, I started spending more time with her which forced me (for lack of a better word) to regain charge of her caring. That's when I started to notice (really notice) my deficiencies.
I don't know how to play, draw or have a conversation with her. I just don't know how. I know in theory, but in practice I find it almost impossible. It's like I don't have the patience it requires. Like the ME that wants to do those things is watching from outside the ME that can't do them.
It makes me feel really bad, specially when I see how it comes naturally to others to do so. It just breaks my heart.
This is the main the reason I asked for help and started therapy. I want to be a good mother. I want to be the mother she deserves to have. I want to be able to play her, teach her things, know how to nurture her self-esteem.
I know what it's like to have a mother that doesn't seem to care for her child or seems to find her company a bother. I don't want to be that kind of mother. I don't want my daughter to be like me.
I want her to be happy.
It feels good to get this off my chest, I needed to share it.

I think that you're being so hard on yourself (((hugs))) I also think that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world, We all muck things up I have done it too.

I think it is great that you are recieving help for this.Good luck to you

[Flooded]

That's the reason I first sought help too.

[Trippin2.0]

I too am struggling with this, my mother does most of the 'caring' for my daughter, as i've had to work, but when i was unemployed for 8 months, i felt so completely inadequate, not only did i not know how to spend time with her, part of me didn't really want to either, like it was way too hard. Ugh i'm disgusting listen to me...

[nicoleb2]

I feel totally inadequate as a mom. I know I am not a good mom. I am always screw things up. My poor kids deserve a much better parent than I am.

[LatinTigress]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I too am struggling with this, my mother does most of the 'caring' for my daughter, as i've had to work, but when i was unemployed for 8 months, i felt so completely inadequate, not only did i not know how to spend time with her, part of me didn't really want to either, like it was way too hard. Ugh i'm disgusting listen to me...

I feel the same as you sometimes. I'm starting to realize that maybe being borderline has somehing to do with it. When I'm with my daughter, there are times I feel totally useless and get so uncomfortable that I just want to go somewhere else.
The good thing is that we know that feeling this way is not normal, it's not good to them and we WANT to become better parents.

[LatinTigress]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I feel totally inadequate as a mom. I know I am not a good mom. I am always screw things up. My poor kids deserve a much better parent than I am.

I too think that my daughter deserves a better mother. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particulary useless and down, I tell her father that she would better of if he's her only parent or if he looks for a better mother for her. But, bless his heart, he tells me that I am her mother, that there's a reason why I'm her mother and that NO ONE would be better for her but me. That's why I know that if I want her to have a better mom, I have to become one myself, because no one else would for her. She needs me.

[askperts]

The neat thing about kids is their inherit belief that their parents are invincible. Just look in her/his eyes the next time and see how much they truly BELIEVE in your capacity. Since they believe in you, and since we believe in you, is there a chance you'd be willing to at least consider the possibility that you really do "rock" but hold yourself back with doubts and insecurities that we BPD's all suffer from?

[LatinTigress]

Originally Posted by askperts

The neat thing about kids is their inherit belief that their parents are invincible. Just look in her/his eyes the next time and see how much they truly BELIEVE in your capacity. Since they believe in you, and since we believe in you, is there a chance you'd be willing to at least consider the possibility that you really do "rock" but hold yourself back with doubts and insecurities that we BPD's all suffer from?

When I was a teenager I always said "you can hide who you are and pretend anything you want in front of others, but never in front of your child. When a person is left alone with their child, there's no hiding, they show their true colours." You can see how this is difficult with a Borderline since they don't know who they are.
My daughter has seen me cry way more that anyone else has. I've even had panic attacks when I was alone with her. I told my therapist "She shouldn't have to see me like this." It breaks my heart when I hear her tell her dad "Mommy is sad". So she IS the main reason I keep going to therapy and take my meds. She deserves it.
So, as you can see, I'm working on considering that I can be a good mom. I'm working really hard.

[askperts]

I love how hard you are working. I hope somedays you'll use the fact that she adores you to even consider motivating yourself to be even better than usual. She may see who you really are but she has no clue was BPD is or anything else that you are feeling and thinking. In my opinion, that's a good thing because you can continue to pretend you have it all together. If you're her protector and you're panicking, imagine how much panic she will feel. I guess I am saying to consider "faking it until you can make it" real improvement. She loves and needs you and I know you can do it!!! She's there because it was pre-ordained in the stars. She is your motivating angel to become your best.