[perniciousfirefly]

Hiya, ive read so many posts and i wish ya all wa well. im struggling, been out hospital after 13 months for past few months. having good days and bad. but i stopped self harming for coupld weeks, and have gone and blood let tonight, ontop of taking diazepam overdose, and amphetamines. my eating disorders are rearing their head and i am becoming unstable again. im scared of what im capable of. ive met the greatest guy who accepts me, but im gunna push him away.
i cant imagine life without behaviours that i do, and dont know what to do, if i stop one another one escalates. but ive done things since i was a child, and my alcohol abuse is high at the moment, ive done a lot of damage to my oesophagus wiv that and many years of bulimia and overdoses.x
hope someone can relate as i feel so alone and scared

[shazza]

Hi and welcome to this site! Have you read many of the posts from people
that have Borderline personality disorder ? I have, as i also have BPD.
I'm new to this site also and in the last two days yours is the second one
that i have read about self harming, I did cry when i read the post yesterday and i did respond to it. As it was as if i was reading about my daughter who is now 22 years old. How your life is now is so much like it was for my daughter. She self harmed from the age 14 to 18 , she saw a good therapist and had the support networks she needed. She still has her moments with anxiety and depression and finds it hard to maintain a relationship. Her boyfriend gave her the flick just recently and she is finding it hard to come to terms with it. I guess the main thing for her is at the age of 16 she set goals for herself, so many and she achieved them all !!! She now has a good job working in Pathology, which she really likes
and she looks after herself eg exerising, healthy eating and will not let herself get bored, as thats when the negativity tends to kick in. But she has balance in her life, will grab a good book to read which is her way of relaxing and walking she finds helpfull also. I do sincerly wish you the very best and remember every day is a new day for you, be kind to yourself.

Originally Posted by perniciousfirefly

Hiya, ive read so many posts and i wish ya all wa well. im struggling, been out hospital after 13 months for past few months. having good days and bad. but i stopped self harming for coupld weeks, and have gone and blood let tonight, ontop of taking diazepam overdose, and amphetamines. my eating disorders are rearing their head and i am becoming unstable again. im scared of what im capable of. ive met the greatest guy who accepts me, but im gunna push him away.
i cant imagine life without behaviours that i do, and dont know what to do, if i stop one another one escalates. but ive done things since i was a child, and my alcohol abuse is high at the moment, ive done a lot of damage to my oesophagus wiv that and many years of bulimia and overdoses.x
hope someone can relate as i feel so alone and scared

yeh sure...I relate to the substance abuse, the self harm, the becoming unstable/being unstable and in particular being afraid of what you are capable of.
I will tell you immediately that the last one there is made so much worse by the drugs and the alcohol...and especially...gonna say that again!, and especially when mixing uppers and downers. The mind cannot cope with the contradiction!
I'm not gonna give you a hard time about it pernicious'...because I know what it's like when getting off the face is a priority and seems the best and the only way to cope...and it's hard to have a good boyfriend or girlfriend because they will interfere with the using!
I did what you are doing for many years and I hope it doesn't take you that long to find a happier way for you. I don't know whats available in England, but I hit the rehabs when I was as unwell as you seem to be at the moment. I don't know, sometimes that can make things worse but if there was somewhere that you could be cared for for a bit until you stabilise. I mean...your poor mind and body.
Hang in there for now...I hope you have a safe place to stay and come down quietly, please try not to keep using...you are not yourself, try to get clean and GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE!
I don't even know you but am worried for you...try to know that your really awful thoughts are caused by the speed and the drinks right now, and is there anyone who doesn't judge you that can be with you or just talk.
The fear you have is a good sign...it's a signal that you actually do care about yourself... and pernicious!, you are not alone in going through this part of your life. It sounds as though you have just about had enough of what you are doing to yourself...I really hope you remember this after everything is out of your system.
I hope I haven't been insensitive...it's sometimes difficult to know how to word things.
It's time to be kind to you...just get through this night ok.

DB

[shipping]

It might help to know that many of us do all sorts of self-abusive things because it makes us feel something different from the rottenness we have inside making us hurt. I have been through all the behaviors you describe, and I just kept trying to get people to help me. I kept seeing therapists and just would not give up on myself. 13 months out of the hospital is really great; have you asked yourself or do you know why the self abuse started up again? If you need to, get back in the hospital--whatever you need to do, just keep trying. Some of the things you are mixing could become impossible to fix eventually, so please keep asking for help, and as someone said, every day is new! You get to start over each day and be whoever you want to be. Also, I was, and sometimes still am, afraid that if I quit my self medicating behaviors I would lose my identity. If that feels like something you feel then keep telling yourself that you are special whether you drink or not or anything; nothing like that defines you. Reboot each day and define yourself for that day only, day by day. Good luck!

[Brokenwings73]

Originally Posted by perniciousfirefly

Hiya, ive read so many posts and i wish ya all wa well. im struggling, been out hospital after 13 months for past few months. having good days and bad. but i stopped self harming for coupld weeks, and have gone and blood let tonight, ontop of taking diazepam overdose, and amphetamines. my eating disorders are rearing their head and i am becoming unstable again. im scared of what im capable of. ive met the greatest guy who accepts me, but im gunna push him away.
i cant imagine life without behaviours that i do, and dont know what to do, if i stop one another one escalates. but ive done things since i was a child, and my alcohol abuse is high at the moment, ive done a lot of damage to my oesophagus wiv that and many years of bulimia and overdoses.x
hope someone can relate as i feel so alone and scared

I can so relate! I feel like I just read a page out of my own journal. I too suffer from a severe ED. Anorexia . I cut, a lot to release the anger and pain pent up in me. I just took a few too many benzos and pain pills and ended up in the er again and did 3 days on the psych wads. I too am scared, alone and fearful of what's coming next. This diagnosis of BPD threw me for a loop to be placed on all the others. I too have a guy who wants to be there to help me but I'm afraid I'm just going to push him away. I don't know where to go but my journal which us page after page of negative images and thoughts. I'm scared and afraid to give up ED. I'm here if u want to chat! Know you have a friend.