..she is smaller than me ..cute and soft even..

she is the girl I have been talking about a bit here and there.

she functions well...I consider her to be normal...

I told her that 'even at my best...I am still not good enough for her!'

the years we spent together just tore shreds off my identity and self assurance...and left me a psychotic wanderer of the human landscape.

the little I have re-constructed of my fragile self is still insufficient for me to find real happiness.

I was systematically dis-assembled emotionally and each peice was set on fire...

my burnt remains are held together by a little medication and threads of faith...

I still believe I did everything I could to express myself right..but it was never enough...

abandoned and invalidated....but in such a way as though she knew it but it didn't matter....and I kept 'double crossing' myself....because I did really love her..!

now she is returned to town and I have seen her and I was experiencing the anticipation in advance with six thousand beers...and I was cool...

but thats not a satisfactory mood to be in for starters..
I 'winged it' under the influence...which was how I managed each time she left...it's a habit I guess.

I'm the one with the dis-order...the evidence is stacked right up...I told her not to see me..."whats with that"...that she insisted

the life and death I have been through ...having feelings for this person...it

terrifies me

I don't know what to do...I admit it

something has to change ..but what?

I have invested enormous energy into managing my life..despite the handicaps of bpd.

thankfully some of these counter-illness behaviours are a habit now...like the basics in the home...

clean washing and neatness..always got new soap and stuff...keep tidy and that..
but I still lose it every now and then.I react to everything as though the world is after me especially when I am really sick....but when I am at my sickest!

the extreme emptiness really put's things in place...but then I panic.

what a unit huh?

I am selfish..cos I am high maintenance...I cannot cope with much...because I am not programmed to the world around me,

I am in a continuous alternative abstract....ya see, ..I have to create something out of 'nothing'....it's a very vulnerable situation..and I get angry alot because I am never ready for drama because I can't plan drama myself...except all of a sudden.!

oh geez I am just dribblin' here nevermind

[roads]

I hope you're beginning to settle in here some, dubblemonkey. I'm glad to see that you're posting, & that you're making some connections along the way. Do you feel safe, in your current situation? Can you make things better, do you think?

geez I'm gettin' comical about the whole thing at the moment...but to me thats a sign of distress...and I am detaching..but I wonder if I just realised this person is just completely non receptive?

or am I impatient...and I should just love myself even though all my reasoning is so out of touch..but it's ok anyway...

thanku for what you said

I reckon I am safe enough...

the worst happened last week...I don't want to repeat that...getting taken away and all that...

I think I am just questioning my triggers and stuff like that...like perhaps they are not so real enough to hurt me.

but it's all a process yep..right?

it's not comfortable at all...but it's helping to share...

thanku

[roads]

Yeah, I know, I need to get a hearing too now & then. Guess that's the way we are, eh? Impatient as well. Yep, I'm sure impatient.

I'm sorry about last week, hope this one goes better for you. it is a process, & a painful one all too often. Sharing does help, you're sure right about that!

You take care now. We'll meet up later.

Roadrunner

..........

cool

[summeryoga]

dubblemonkey, I don't know your situation, but all I can say from a human perspective from one person with bpd to another, try try try try try try try to take all that energy you had for her and put it into yourself. your art and your therapy and your meds and your friends and your outlets (like here) and your threads of faith and your slivers of happiness or reason(s) to live. try try try try try to put that energy into you. to make yourself as close to whole again as you can. one day at a time, or one second at a time ...

Originally Posted by summeryoga

, I don't know your situation, , try try try try try try try to take all that energy you had for her and put it into yourself. your art and your therapy and your meds and your friends and your outlets (like here) and your threads of faith and your slivers of happiness or reason(s) to live. try try try try try to put that energy into you. to make yourself as close to whole again as you can. one day at a time, or one second at a time ...

that really is what I have to do...all that energy is going to waste

I will try try try and try

thanku

[BrokenNBeautiful]

welcome to pc.

I'm Billi, been diagnosed with bpd and attempting to recover from it.

Living with this in ourselves and dealing with other bpds (recovering or otherwise) can be very hard.

I am glad you talked to us.

I hope you can be very good to yourself right now.

Billi

...thanku billi

I am glad to...

I kinda threw myself in here pretty hard!...

but it seemed ok and it's nice...

I can settle a bit now I spose...thats how it goes