[callingforthesun]

hi all,
i met a friend a few months ago and the friendship got intense pretty quickly. things were ok for a wesshile until her (untreated) depression started consuming her (and me). we both spiraled. i started cutting again. she would make suicidal gestures and is terrifiedto be alone or "abandoned." shes been hospitalized twice in the past month, shes homeless,has no job, no car and an unsupportive family. however, there ishelp out there available to her but she doesnt seemto care. my mistake was trying to fix her problems for her. now i just want to distance myself...but we both belong to the same art studio and we cant avoid seeing each other. now, i know BPD. i have it. and i went through the DBT classes and found it extremely helpful. this girl is just not accepting boundaries and i dread hanging out with her. she never has a plan or any money and never knows where shes going to stay that night which puts me in a very uncomfortable position. i dont know how to get the boundaries without being a total ******. sorry for all the typos, the keyboard on my phone decided to change itself on it own

[Flooded]

Be honest, firm and don't negotiate or debate. Just tell her how it has to be.

[mysunshine]

I understand it's very hard to see others going through this but as you've said it's having a negative affect on you, and you realise it's not good for you to be involved. You can offer suggestions for where to go for help, which I think you have done, and let her decide what to do. I hope she gets some help as well, but she needs to seek it from people who are stronger and not going to be affected by her behaviour. Being firm and saying no is ok.

[Clare76]

I concur with the previous two responses.
Its an impossible position to be in, really feel for you
((hugs))...xx

[Ashleigh28]

As someone who knows the disorder, I would ask yourself, how you would have wanted to be treated at your lowest low?

I am hard to deal with and know I've but stress on just about every relationship in my life. If I sensed a friend pulling away, it would probably make me more clingy, with less boundries and intesify my crazy. Maybe that explains some of her current state?

Having the conversation with her may help, letting her know exactly what behaviors are no longer tolerable and setting boundaries for both of you. Essentially what flooded said- be honest, firm, don't debate!

Good luck!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It is hard to be firm with someone whom you care about.

I agree that she deserves to seek help from people who are more able to give it. Sounds like you can't right now and that's okay. Just tell her you do care about her but you can't help her.

I know it's hard.

I am also bpd and on the other end a lot. when people set boundaries with me, I have to remind myself that I am not being rejected. They just can't help me. I hope your friend can understand that. You can't help her with everything.

Billi

[ECHOES]

Learning to have and to defend our personal boundaries makes it possible to have friendships that don't affect you in these ways.

[callingforthesun]

thats what happens! i set boundaries and then she feels rejected. and then i feel bad for making her feel that way. she does get very clingy; she knows that. she calls it pushing and pulling. she pushes her friends until they are on the brink of not being able to handle the situation anymore, then reels them back in. i finally just had to stop talking to her. a mutual friend pulled her aside and asked her if she had any clue what it was doing to me......tons of txts, emails, voicemails, demanding my time. im pretty close to rock bottom right now and i like to have space- but to know my friends are there. we check in with each other. ive never acted out- only acted in. i kind of feel like a zombie. ive always cut. im struggling with making something else come out instead of blood- art and i want to start writing poetry again. but its SO hard and i feel like an empty shell and a burden to my loved ones. but back to my (ex?)friend....i just had to say stop

[unaluna]

Sometimes you get to a point with people - for me, it was my mom - where you realize you have a choice - it's YOU or THEM - only one of you is going to survive if you keep doing what THEY say, what they want. That's when you ALSO realize, they don't know it's that bad, they think you're just complaining, or you're mad because you're not getting your own way. You are desperate, but they are not, because you are taking care of them. It's so hard. I'm sorry you went thru this. I hope you will be stronger for having had the experience.