[B1_NRecovery]

I just had a hell of a borderline day! I've been working really hard to stay out of my spiral and black and white thinking.

At work, I was triggered when nothing was done about a fellow employee who continues to mistreat subordinate staff and gets away with it. I stood up for us. No one did anything to correct the situation (that I could tell) and it seemed like people were more annoyed with me for bringing up the obvious than with the person who is actually causing the problem.

My inner scapegoat was triggered. Just like in my family, I was stating the obvious and breaking through the denial of abuse. Instead of the perpetrator (my dad) being held accountable, I was told I was the problem for a "bad attitude." If I can't rage outward, I will rage inward--hello Borderline.

Today I wanted to be crazy. I wanted to cut. I wanted to rip things off the walls. I wanted to make everyone "see" physically what pain they were causing me. But I did not do these things. I contained my emotions and shared them with a healthy co-worker and my best friend (in recovery) over the phone. I shared the miserable pain it is for me to feel that powerless like I did as a child. I know today at work that I am not powerless (I choose to work there), but inside of me, my emotions are raging, trying to take me over.

I did feel better after talking (shouting really and crying) with my best friend. I took a shower and a nap and went to get a good dinner. Even so, my borderline thoughts came back: "If I have to battle this hard just to stay at a good place, is life worth living? Maybe the conscious choice to kill myself is better? No one understands how frustrating and painful it is to feel so crazy inside but force my brain to handle the emotions better."

I am not suicidial and I am not going to harm myself. I just wanted to share and receive support about how hard my BPD battle was today. I am proud of how I handled it--not going to the spiral--but man it was hard.

Love,
B1

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by B1_NRecovery

I just had a hell of a borderline day! I've been working really hard to stay out of my spiral and black and white thinking.

At work, I was triggered when nothing was done about a fellow employee who continues to mistreat subordinate staff and gets away with it. I stood up for us. No one did anything to correct the situation (that I could tell) and it seemed like people were more annoyed with me for bringing up the obvious than with the person who is actually causing the problem.

My inner scapegoat was triggered. Just like in my family, I was stating the obvious and breaking through the denial of abuse. Instead of the perpetrator (my dad) being held accountable, I was told I was the problem for a "bad attitude." If I can't rage outward, I will rage inward--hello Borderline.

Today I wanted to be crazy. I wanted to cut. I wanted to rip things off the walls. I wanted to make everyone "see" physically what pain they were causing me. But I did not do these things. I contained my emotions and shared them with a healthy co-worker and my best friend (in recovery) over the phone. I shared the miserable pain it is for me to feel that powerless like I did as a child. I know today at work that I am not powerless (I choose to work there), but inside of me, my emotions are raging, trying to take me over.

I did feel better after talking (shouting really and crying) with my best friend. I took a shower and a nap and went to get a good dinner. Even so, my borderline thoughts came back: "If I have to battle this hard just to stay at a good place, is life worth living? Maybe the conscious choice to kill myself is better? No one understands how frustrating and painful it is to feel so crazy inside but force my brain to handle the emotions better."

I am not suicidial and I am not going to harm myself. I just wanted to share and receive support about how hard my BPD battle was today. I am proud of how I handled it--not going to the spiral--but man it was hard.

Love,
B1

thats the way i feel sometimes but i cant i dont work anymore but i often feeeel like punching walls i stopped punching walls i am also a self injurer

[unaluna]

Good job hanging on - and great thread title! One of my favorite songs!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Wow,
I could have written your post myself! It's nearly impossible to find others IRL who truly understand the difficulties people with BPD have with relationships. I try to own what is my stuff/issues but don't always know. I also like to state the obvious and fail to see why people in 'higher' positions deserve deference or respect just because of their position. Your post helped me put into words what I have been feeling, so thank you! I'm impressed at your courage and your coping skills, and at the same time I hear your intense pain and know myself how painful interacting with others can be.

I wonder . . . Maybe we 'get it' and they don't? I think they need therapy (they=coworkers) for assertiveness training. Nothing like a good reframing to make myself feel better (haha). Take care!

[summeryoga]

Wow, your post sounds like my brain. Know that you are not alone in how you function, and you did great by reaching out to your friend instead of self-harming. Kudos, kudos, kudos.

Originally Posted by B1_NRecovery

I just had a hell of a borderline day! I've been working really hard to stay out of my spiral and black and white thinking.

At work, I was triggered when nothing was done about a fellow employee who continues to mistreat subordinate staff and gets away with it. I stood up for us. No one did anything to correct the situation (that I could tell) and it seemed like people were more annoyed with me for bringing up the obvious than with the person who is actually causing the problem.

My inner scapegoat was triggered. Just like in my family, I was stating the obvious and breaking through the denial of abuse. Instead of the perpetrator (my dad) being held accountable, I was told I was the problem for a "bad attitude." If I can't rage outward, I will rage inward--hello Borderline.

Today I wanted to be crazy. I wanted to cut. I wanted to rip things off the walls. I wanted to make everyone "see" physically what pain they were causing me. But I did not do these things. I contained my emotions and shared them with a healthy co-worker and my best friend (in recovery) over the phone. I shared the miserable pain it is for me to feel that powerless like I did as a child. I know today at work that I am not powerless (I choose to work there), but inside of me, my emotions are raging, trying to take me over.

I did feel better after talking (shouting really and crying) with my best friend. I took a shower and a nap and went to get a good dinner. Even so, my borderline thoughts came back: "If I have to battle this hard just to stay at a good place, is life worth living? Maybe the conscious choice to kill myself is better? No one understands how frustrating and painful it is to feel so crazy inside but force my brain to handle the emotions better."

I am not suicidial and I am not going to harm myself. I just wanted to share and receive support about how hard my BPD battle was today. I am proud of how I handled it--not going to the spiral--but man it was hard.

Love,
B1

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by B1_NRecovery

My inner scapegoat was triggered. Just like in my family, I was stating the obvious and breaking through the denial of abuse. Instead of the perpetrator (my dad) being held accountable, I was told I was the problem for a "bad attitude." If I can't rage outward, I will rage inward--hello Borderline.

I have never seen this expressed so clearly before. I have felt this so many times before, but never known how to share it. I am sorry that you have felt this too, especially so intensely and o recently, but I am grateful to you for expressing it so eloquently. Thank you.

[B1_NRecovery]

Thanks Antimatter. It's so nice to have others out there who understand.

I have spent the last two years working hard with my therapist and pdoc to identify and change my specific BPD behaviors. I have noticed it all starts with my thoughts. Even when I get triggered by a feeling, that feeling is brought on by a thought. In this case (yesterday), the thought was "yet again, I'm the bad one and the person doing the actual abuse is good." The feelings accompanying that thought was anger and pain.

For me it goes:
1. Thought
2. Feeling
3. Behavior

Sometimes I can only change my behavior (not acting out), but on really good days, I can actually change my thought ("This work situation is not my family of origin and I can trust my Higher Power to get me through it. I am not bad or less than others.") When I change my thought, my feelings slowly change.

It took me YEARS to learn this method of coping. Worth it!

Originally Posted by Antimatter

Wow,
I could have written your post myself! It's nearly impossible to find others IRL who truly understand the difficulties people with BPD have with relationships. I try to own what is my stuff/issues but don't always know. I also like to state the obvious and fail to see why people in 'higher' positions deserve deference or respect just because of their position. Your post helped me put into words what I have been feeling, so thank you! I'm impressed at your courage and your coping skills, and at the same time I hear your intense pain and know myself how painful interacting with others can be.

I wonder . . . Maybe we 'get it' and they don't? I think they need therapy (they=coworkers) for assertiveness training. Nothing like a good reframing to make myself feel better (haha). Take care!

[B1_NRecovery]

Thanks MDDBPDPTSD! I'm glad it is helpful. I know when I read Rachel Reiland's book "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder," I was so grateful and relieved to actually see what I had gone through written down on paper. Someone else did understand!

My hope is that my recovery, as painful and long as it has been, will now turn toward describing what goes on for us BPDers and help us to understand ourselves better and the world to reduce the stigma and realize we are diamonds in the chaotic rough!

Be well,
B1

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

I have never seen this expressed so clearly before. I have felt this so many times before, but never known how to share it. I am sorry that you have felt this too, especially so intensely and o recently, but I am grateful to you for expressing it so eloquently. Thank you.

[B1_NRecovery]

thanks for the support! I've made Madonna's Borderline song my ringtone for a few trusted folks on my cell phone. It's hilarious everytime I hear it.

Gotta laugh!

Originally Posted by hankster

Good job hanging on - and great thread title! One of my favorite songs!