[anxiety247]

Few yrs back I left home a family member was very sick and was going to die and I could not bare to watch this happen. I went through that a few yrs prior that with a sudden death of my mother. I felt like I had abandoned this family member as well of the rest of my family. I am trying to see how much of me was running away and if bpd played into it.

[shipping]

Is it possible you felt abandoned by losing your mother? And people with bpd almost always have a fear of abandonment. I would think it is connected, and that you may have run away (as you call it--abandoned a family member) from this difficult situation because of your own fear of abandonment and the recent experience with losing your mother. That is just my guess. I know you are not to blame for these losses and difficult family situations. It is completely not your fault and was probably a self-preservation instinct that kept you from losing it. Be easy on yourself, and know you are a loving person.

[anxiety247]

I did feel abandoned by my mother when she passes away plus the fact I never worked through processing her death. I walked in to find my mom dead. It flipped my world forever!! My family has no clue of my mental health issues which started to escalate after my mother's passing. I feel an unbelievable amount of guilt for abandoning my grandmother when she needed me the most she had alzheimers and her last memories was me walking away. I tried over the yrs to call and she how she was doing and my family would either hang up on me or say hurtful things which would take me a long time to work the courage to call again only to be beat down all over. That was a never ending cycle for 6 yrs.

My family didnt tell me my grandmother passed away nor did I get to go to the funeral because I am the bad granddaughter who ran away

[Forgive77]

[quote=anxiety247;2193795]I did feel abandoned by my mother when she passes away plus the fact I never worked through processing her death. I walked in to find my mom dead. It flipped my world forever!! My family has no clue of my mental health issues which started to escalate after my mother's passing. I feel an unbelievable amount of guilt for abandoning my grandmother when she needed me the most she had alzheimers and her last memories was me walking away. I tried over the yrs to call and she how she was doing and my family would either hang up on me or say hurtful things which would take me a long time to work the courage to call again only to be beat down all over. That was a never ending cycle for 6 yrs.

My family didnt tell me my grandmother passed away nor did I get to go to the funeral because I am the bad granddaughter who ran away [/quote

Well...it sounds like your fam could use some help of their own. You did your best. It's up to them now. But the sucky part of the deal is, you have to be good either way.

[Ashleigh28]

First, I am sorry to hear about your family/mother. *hugs*

Secondly, I can relate to you. People cope in different ways, I know for me... I have to separate myself from the situation, to survive mentally. When my life gets too hard to process, I run away. It is a coping mechanism....

I do know that I eventually have to deal with my emotions, allow myself time to grieve... otherwise I'll keep spiraling. Stay positive, take time to heal and don't be hard on yourself for needing to get away. True family will understand.

[Rosie23]

I felt abandoned when my husband died too. I was so mad at him for leaving me here all alone. At times I was down right furious with him. Not something that anyone would have understood. And as unreasonable as I knew I was being I couldn't help it.

It has taken almost 3 years for me to begin to move beyond that. And to learn why.

[anxiety247]

Originally Posted by Rosie23

I felt abandoned when my husband died too. I was so mad at him for leaving me here all alone. At times I was down right furious with him. Not something that anyone would have understood. And as unreasonable as I knew I was being I couldn't help it.

It has taken almost 3 years for me to begin to move beyond that. And to learn why.

My mom held the family together. I tried my hardest to live up to her after her passing. I let down my mothers wishes when she said to me and I didn't want to really think about it "take care or your grandmother" if something happens to me. She was 46 yrs old when she died suddenly. I let them both down.. Now I have no where to run...its in my face everyday....i have hurt myself every way imaginable - punishing myself. I know they want me to stop hurting myself - forgive myself - and get the help I need..and start facing the past...idk