okay so I'm too worked up to write a lot. I'm really struggling.

I had to call lifeline, it's helped enough for me to not do anything tonight. but I'm planning for tomorrow. like really planning, where, how, when.

so I'm not posting to just tell you all that I'm going to commit suicide, that would be selfish and horrible and pointless.

basically I know I need to call my T in the morning. but I feel like a massive burden because I call her too much. and also I can't go to hospital or everything that's hard atm will become impossible because I'd miss classes in my first week of tafe.

so I think I just need some support in calling her.. or any other ideas in what I can do..

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

okay so I'm too worked up to write a lot. I'm really struggling.

I had to call lifeline, it's helped enough for me to not do anything tonight. but I'm planning for tomorrow. like really planning, where, how, when.

so I'm not posting to just tell you all that I'm going to commit suicide, that would be selfish and horrible and pointless.

basically I know I need to call my T in the morning. but I feel like a massive burden because I call her too much. and also I can't go to hospital or everything that's hard atm will become impossible because I'd miss classes in my first week of tafe.

so I think I just need some support in calling her.. or any other ideas in what I can do..

It's good you posted. Sometimes our BPD brains go into planning mode - this happens to me. A trigger will set it off and before I know it I'm planning. However, sometimes planning just means I'm very fragmented and need some comforting from the pain. Planning suicide feels good because it's almost like a vacation. However, we both know that you don't come home from that vacation. And since we really don't know what happens once we die, death brochures aren't available online, yet, we don't know that we even want to go to the death resort. It might be very boring or worse, more painful than the place we are in now.

So what to do?

Right now you need unconditional love. If not from others than from yourself. So now you need to go into "Spa Mode." Do all things to comfort yourself. Make some calming tea. Rub warm body lotion on your hands and feet. Call anyone who is comforting and cry to them. Put on soft music that doesn't trigger. Wrap yourself up in warm blankets. To get them warm first put them in the dryer for 10 minutes than take them out. Ride the pain. Cry. Post. Keep reaching out. We are here.

Basically everything that stardustedforever has said. Hope your feeling better today, sending hugs if ok

things have gotten so much worse. I can't go home. but I left my T a msg.

thanks.

spoke to T. took up too much of her time and made her late.
i can't keep doing this, to anyone.

i just need to do this on my own i think.

i lost my dad almost 13years ago, i CAN'T loose mum too. so i just need to stop.

i'm so scared that if something does happen to mum my family will step in and say i'm too f**ked up to look after my little brother and then i will have no say over what happens to either of us.

i know i am a terrible sister, but maybe i can make it right.. he msged me last night without mum reminding him that it was my first day of tafe and he asked how it was. and then after msging most of the night he said 'love you, night xo' it made me zoo happy for him to write that because i know neither of us are good at expressing feelings.

so i guess i just have to do this myself. their happiness has to come before mine. i can't hurt them anymore.

so no more appts with the pdoc. no more calling T. no more calling crisis team or any helplines. and absolutely no more IP or meds.

and i have to go to every class and pass.

just forget about all the depression, psychosis and BPD. i have to.

Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx

spoke to T. took up too much of her time and made her late.
i can't keep doing this, to anyone.

i just need to do this on my own i think.

i lost my dad almost 13years ago, i CAN'T loose mum too. so i just need to stop.

i'm so scared that if something does happen to mum my family will step in and say i'm too f**ked up to look after my little brother and then i will have no say over what happens to either of us.

i know i am a terrible sister, but maybe i can make it right.. he msged me last night without mum reminding him that it was my first day of tafe and he asked how it was. and then after msging most of the night he said 'love you, night xo' it made me zoo happy for him to write that because i know neither of us are good at expressing feelings.

so i guess i just have to do this myself. their happiness has to come before mine. i can't hurt them anymore.

so no more appts with the pdoc. no more calling T. no more calling crisis team or any helplines. and absolutely no more IP or meds.

and i have to go to every class and pass.

just forget about all the depression, psychosis and BPD. i have to.

Denying you have a problem won't work.

You have a problem. It is what it is. Sounds like you do need new coping techniques/skills to help heal since the ones you've been using don't work.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I agree with stardustedforever. Denying you have a problem will not help. You just need to learn new ways of dealing with what you have: BPD. You are not BOD. You have BPD. You are a lovely valuable person. You just happen to have an illness that is difficult to deal with. Most of us have thought about or acted on suicidal thoughts before because BPD is so difficult. I can understand how much you love your family. Your brother in particular seems very special to you. You are a very compassionate person to be willing to give up your life to help him. But that is not the way to help him or anyone. Nor is denying the problem. If BPD were just a matter of sheer will power, then there would be far fewer therapists, because we would just make ourselves better. But it does not work that way. I encourage you to continuing reaching out to your support people: your T, Pdoc, and whoever. I encourage you to investigate learning new coping skills and accepting who you are as an individual. I am so sorry you are hurting. You pain is real and your fear is real. Your anger at yourself is real. You can live through it. In addition, you can live through it without hurting those you love so deeply.