[widgets]

Today has been a long and strange day.
I was happy and chirpy all day at work.
But my mind could not keep off suicide, i thought about it all day, i was distracted many times and made a lot of mistakes at work. my head kept going somewhere else, like really short black outs, i was imagining acting out these thing, but it was so real it was like i was there for a second or two, then jolted back to reality.
I think that i have never been suicidal without being depressed.
i wonder how many happy people have killed themselves? I'm not a happy person, but i was happier today than pretty much any day this week.
Has anyone else had this before?

[RaggedyAnn67]

Hmm. Not sure exactly. I have gone from being mellow and having a rather good day to thinking of it.

I think that there are other things that are bothering me still from say early that day, the day before, or even years ago. I have a hard time with things that pop up in my head out of the blue from previous times. (maybe I saw something similar happen, or smelled something that triggered that event). It's weird. I will remember that event and start yelling at myself outloud "Stupid" "Idiot" or start yelling outloud at the other person...not going to write down those words. (Have used them against myself too ) Depending on what it is (or how many times I do this in an hour/day, etc), I can switch to thinking about suicide.
Even sadder, I may still act out when I think of it and actually hit myself over the head, across the face, and even arms or legs.
I just don't know where it comes from exactly. It sort of just 'pops up'. I still need to learn how to stop these thoughts & harms as well.

[widgets]

i sometimes have that, i thought of an event which i would rather forget and threw a drink at my friend, like an involuntary action

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I have had a feeling of relief from pain when I thought about suicide. My thoughts about it are not very healthy. I look at suicide as a hopeful option. I will do my best to get through this (whatever this might be at the moment) but if I can not, then suicide is always an option. Thinking suicide is an option gives me a sense of control and a solid hope that I will not always have to endure his pain. If it gets too bad, I can stop the pain.
Again, it is not a healthy way to look at it, but it is what I do.
I remember several years ago when things were particularly difficult that I made up my mind to do it. I had set a date and had a mental list of things to do beforehand. Just having the plan, helped me feel better. It was as if no one could upset anymore because no matter what they did, it wasn't going to matter for much longer. I was much happier (relieved) during that time. Obviously, I did not carry out the plan. Once the date came and went, then the hopelessness came back.
I am trying to learn other ways to give myself hope. DBT is a helping with that some, but it is hard to not think of suicide as a real option.
Hope that helps some.
<<<HUGS>>>

[Forgive77]

I agree with MDBPDPTSD. I think about to to gain control...then sometimes I think about it as an option to escape being overwhelmed. My intrusive thoughts are insane...right now a dream triggered them. Go figure. It was a dream about all the things I wish I had said to teachers as a child. Plus being put into therapy. Anyway...I come on here to escape these thoughts, and focus on others. My DBT helps, but I'm also on meds that help. Without Geodon...my thoughts would be uncontrollable. Now I can just go find something to do to clear my head....hmmm...I never knew what that meant or knew I could do it till just this very second. Wow....