I don't want to be like this anymore.....

...I know the thread sounds knida negative but it's not really!

well I have just emerged from another hellraising bunch of days of borderline neurosis...it definitely gets worse for me and others each time I go there.

and afterwards I never intend to return to that level of total emotional self combustion!...and so far I have ..just let it rip! over and over

...the scars are not physical this time except a couple of organs, usually the heart..the liver...but there is certainly some mental and damage deep in my soul somewhere...everywhere.

If I was a 4 year old...mine and all the mothers in the street would just say "well...my my!....he is a very naughty boy isn't he"

But at ten times that age...it's alot more complicated than that!

I have an illness...that much is obvious...I continue to pretend as though I don't have an illness knowing full well that I do..

What this means is that I make not nearly enough of an attempt to manage it...I think I do but it's SO hard I think it's no use!
I give up...and go freelance mental.
I'm not saying bpd is our fault...not at all....but if I want to keep taking these somersault nosedives off the edge of reality...then it hurts to admit...that bit is my responsibilty.....and no matter how hard I try to keep my madness to myself...it overflows and affects people....and then I feel worse and the cycle is VERY hard to break then.

this was not meant to be so long!

I don't want to be just sorta' okay or horribly not, anymore
I just want to get better
I want to feel better
I want to COPE better with this illness I got!
I want to enjoy life just a little bit and for longer

group hug

monkey

this is a positive step.. i think you should go to your gp and look at getting into therapy so you can work towards feeling better.

good luck.

((((HUGS))))

You said it yourself, it is hard to get better. It is very hard work.
I did a lot of self-sabotaging myself. Honestly, I liked the feelings that resulted from it. The adrenaline rush, panic, self-loathing, self-condemnation, and it helped me to isolate in this world cause I was so different from everyone else. I was 'naughty'. I was confirming it...making it so.
This is what is so tricky for me to understand. Why on earth would I do such a thing? For me, I think it came from watching my mother behave in this manner and from her telling me I was naughty all the time. So personally, over time, this was embedded behavior/thoughts, and I knew no other life or behaviors. When you have been doing it for 4 decades (personally), it certainly is hard to break. And, as I made those efforts to change, I would become exhausted from all the hard work and would often regress back to my previous behaviors/patterns. I still do it occassionally, but I am starting to see some more productive thinking and behaviors.

I think it is so important for me to SLOW my life down. I have created a living situation (over time...that was a long process as well and a whole other story) where I can rest/sleep whenever I want to, cook what I want when I want it, I shut the phone off and use it when I want it, I don't answer the door just because someone is knocking, etc. I also have two serious addictions that I had to work on. I only focused on one at a time. I have to limit myself and personal daily expectations. And, I had to stop worrying about what society thinks about how I should live. I eat dinners for breakfast. I bought a scooter (very nice 350lb one!) and learned how to ride it instead of taking walks with other people (like other women my age) etc. This is my life and I chose to do things that work for me...not others.
Key: slowing down and figuring out what I like and want and want to do. (made many lists over the years!!)

My sweet brilliant monkey friend, how did I miss this thread? A couple thoughts ...

1) From all that I have seen and know of you, the illness that you need to first make peace with and figure out how to better cope with is alcoholism. Alcoholism first. If you are sober longterm, you can learn to better cope with BPD and the rest. But every time you give in to the drink, hon, you stop coping with the rest. Sobriety first, BPD second, and the rest will follow. I promise you.

2) The people who love you really want you to want to get better, feel better, cope better. So hearing you say that you do want all of this and more, and saying that here, sorta 'publicly', makes that truth all the more real and concrete. I'm proud of you for starting to really want to be healthy, J.

You SO can enjoy life, J. You have incredible passion and drive and wit. Put all that and more of your myriad gifts towards living a GOOD life, and wow ... absolute awesomeness.

XXOO