Hi I'm new here and I'm sorry for what I'm about to write simply because I know it's complicated, I just need to hear that this is all just my own doing and thinking rather than what the alternative would be.

I have been diagnosed with BPD but only very recently started therapy (only 2 sessions into it so far). I've been diagnosed previously for depression and bipolar too and have been on depakote for several years now. My wife and I have known I have issues for a long time and for a little history for you, I spent some time several years ago in an institution for severely cutting my arm with a serrated kitchen knife following an enraged argument with my wife. Other than that one incident I've never been one to "cut" in any kind of a regular manner but yet, the incident wasn't really a suicide attempt either.

So regarding my marriage, of course, my wife has been saying for years that I need to get help (especially following huge arguments like previously mentioned) and I promise to, then things mellow out and I either quit or never get any counseling, then the cycle repeats. In good times she says that I'm a good man and I treat her well but then at other times, when I'm raging or panicking (fear abandonment issues, possessiveness, etc) She's said multiple times, "I'm done" or something about leaving. We've been married almost 13 years now so it's been a long time coming. I should have seen it but I have been in denial.

In short, it's come to this: We are separating. She has said and done a few things that are confusing to me. One thing is that she has a friend (a 20 yr old guy) from her school online that she went to for awhile, she's been chatting with online and has most recently begun traveling out of state to (3 hours away) for the purposes of going to concerts, and has hung out with him and his brother a few times and their mother a few times too. I've always had a problem with it being a guy she's hanging with anyway but she insists that it's just a friendship and that she just goes there to hang out and have some freedom for short times. I worry on and off that it's more than that, but it may be in my mind only and having been cheated on by my first wife it doesn't help things.

So over the years, it is true, I've kept her from seeing people, being one with serious social phobia, she's accommodated me by really isolating herself too, and with this recent activity, she says it's that she just needs to take care of herself for once and he just happens to be a guy. Part of her reason for the separation is because of my intolerance of her outside relationships - especially the friend out of state.

To her defense, I've also witheld sex from her for long periods (no I haven't cheated on her in case you wonder) of time and have only recently worked on my issues in bed. She's been responsive and it's been the most active time we've ever had lately (since the impending separation). She is also (when I'm not fearful and raging/panicking) affectionate and acts like she's still wanting to be my wife..

She says -- her only reason for the separation is to get me to "do what I need to do" and only to protect herself from if I fail to follow through again. Considering the situation, should I 1. Be worried about her friend in the other state and 2. that her real plan (my fear) is just to get me out of the house to work on divorcing me?

Please tell me what you think, I know it'd just be your opinion..

TBH, she's right, I need something to motivate me to change but I fear so often that she'll divorce me on the day she's able to or... I'll fail anyway and she'll have to.

Thanks for reading this long post.

Hi mgbeers2012, welcome to PC

Im sorry your experiencing difficulties with your marriage right now. I understand your anxiety about your wifes new friend. I guess the situation could be argued from both sides: your wife might be going the extra mile (literally) to see this person because she values this new friendship and is simply eager to maintain it as you said she hasn't been that social for quite some time - or - there is more to it then meets the eye, but if you've asked her and she had said no, your either going to have trust her or go with what your instinct tells you - whatever that may be. If your socially phobic and she is not then it must be difficult for you to feel comfortable with her wanting to interact with others but as she herself doesn't have this problem it must be pretty frustrating for her. She has to meet her own needs whilst somehow trying to be mindful of yours.

If no form of compromise can be met and you really don't see any way of resolving your issues then a trial separation might be the only option. Have you considered couples therapy? I think it would be a great shame if after 13 years theres nothing really left to help you survive whatever troubles you might be facing but at the same time there is no point in further exhausting each other - if the relationship has met a natural end then so be it. People fall out of love just as easily as they fall into it.

In terms of your treatment, only you can be responsible for your recovery - you have to get better for yourself and no one else. You owe it to you to reclaim your life and if the effects of that include an improved relationship with your wife or even a saved marriage then thats a bonus. You say you have a good relationship when your feeling ok...i personally think it would be a shame if nothing could be done to help try and achieve that more often.

You might want to post this thread in the relationships and communication forum for more responses but i wish you all the very best with your recovery and your marriage - whatever conclusion you reach, we're all here to listen if you need to vent. Good luck.

Originally Posted by bb2023

Hi mgbeers2012, welcome to PC

Im sorry your experiencing difficulties with your marriage right now. I understand your anxiety about your wifes new friend. I guess the situation could be argued from both sides: your wife might be going the extra mile (literally) to see this person because she values this new friendship and is simply eager to maintain it as you said she hasn't been that social for quite some time - or - there is more to it then meets the eye, but if you've asked her and she had said no, your either going to have trust her or go with what your instinct tells you - whatever that may be. If your socially phobic and she is not then it must be difficult for you to feel comfortable with her wanting to interact with others but as she herself doesn't have this problem it must be pretty frustrating for her. She has to meet her own needs whilst somehow trying to be mindful of yours.

If no form of compromise can be met and you really don't see any way of resolving your issues then a trial separation might be the only option. Have you considered couples therapy? I think it would be a great shame if after 13 years theres nothing really left to help you survive whatever troubles you might be facing but at the same time there is no point in further exhausting each other - if the relationship has met a natural end then so be it. People fall out of love just as easily as they fall into it.

First I want to add that he's really not a new friend, as she's been keeping in touch with him for a few years, but only recently has she been invited to visit and go to concerts with him and her family (first one with him, his brother and mom) part of this situation with this friend has led up to the separation. In fact when I'm rational, I agree that a separation, if only to keep it real to me, is not a bad idea. I can get too comfortable a lot and not pursue counseling. Oh and the separation is already in the works, I'm only moving one building away from her and the kids and she continues to say she doesn't know what she's going to do without me every night but maintains that she needs to do this. (I guess she's a bit confused right now too)

Originally Posted by bb2023

In terms of your treatment, only you can be responsible for your recovery - you have to get better for yourself and no one else. You owe it to you to reclaim your life and if the effects of that include an improved relationship with your wife or even a saved marriage then thats a bonus. You say you have a good relationship when your feeling ok...i personally think it would be a shame if nothing could be done to help try and achieve that more often.

I agree, as I said to a friend this morning - i have to do this whatever the end result is with the separation, in either case everyone will benefit if I get help. I hope and pray that the separation will end in reconciliation rather than divorce, but that's going to be 52+ weeks away before I know.

Thank you so much for your response. much appreciated.

[Forgive77]

I agree with the above. We have many women on this board, and very few men. It seems as though your wife loves you. She's stayed hasn't she? The best thing you can do for yourself, and your marriage is to prove it to her! Go for it. Don't wait!!

Originally Posted by Forgive77

I agree with the above. We have many women on this board, and very few men. It seems as though your wife loves you. She's stayed hasn't she? The best thing you can do for yourself, and your marriage is to prove it to her! Go for it. Don't wait!!

I'm trying. I'm in therapy now, weekly though it's only started. I'm just back and forth with my fears affecting me, causing panic so much. Thank you for your encouragement. helps a ton.

[Forgive77]

Originally Posted by mgbeers2012

I'm trying. I'm in therapy now, weekly though it's only started. I'm just back and forth with my fears affecting me, causing panic so much. Thank you for your encouragement. helps a ton.

If you're just starting therapy...my blog might help you out. I've done my year of CBT, and I'm talking about it now. I started it in August...but I haven't started really posting until yesterday. It might give you some things to think about, and you can learn from the things I didn't get right away...I was a sloooowww learner. LOL

Originally Posted by Forgive77

If you're just starting therapy...my blog might help you out. I've done my year of CBT, and I'm talking about it now. I started it in August...but I haven't started really posting until yesterday. It might give you some things to think about, and you can learn from the things I didn't get right away...I was a sloooowww learner. LOL

Thank you. I'll check it out. Part of the reason my wife is doing what she is doing is because I'm apparently a slow learner too.