[athena2011]

As I work through my rut in therapy, I was wondering why I can only talk about my bad experiences with my T. I will go in thinking ahead of time, OK I'm going to tell him something good that happened...but then I can't bring myself to do it. Two thoughts came out of that...1) It's a great way to drive somebody away and 2) My family usually put me down whenever I felt I was succeeding at something.

So, to the first point. Well, one could say it would hurt a lot less driving somebody away by being all negative. Because if you're cheerful and kind and generous and loving and you drive people away...that would just hurt soooo much more. No excuses - You can't say they rejected you because you were being negative. They rejected you simply for being you. Rejected you at your very best. Or they took advantage of you and made you feel like a complete idiot. If you've put your best foot forward and there's no more you can give and they still rejected you - that would really, really suck. So depression becomes a coping mechanism. When somebody gets too close...to the point where you've become attached to them...that's where the big risk is. So you put out a pre-emptive strike and drive them away before they get a chance to do it to you. The very core of you.

To the second point...well, it's just safer not letting anybody know what you're doing if they're going to poke holes in it, tell you not to bother, that they can do so much better, why don't you just stick to <insert boring endeavour here>.

It's frustrating that I treat my T this way too but that's why they call it transference. It's not about him, it's about my experiences with significant people in my life emotionally re-enacted with my T. Simply because it's become so ingrained. A pattern, programming...that has to get erased, written over with a new program. How one goes about that...I don't know. That's kind of the million dollar question at this point.

That's definitely the problem - how to rewrite the programming. Especially when it keeps getting reinforced.

You're so right. Like you said, it's better to drive people away before you get too attached, however unintentional the behavior(s) may be. Because it's so very damaging to be rejected for who you are, for being honest about things. At least if you know you're not trying your best and haven't shown your vulnerabilities, it won't be quite so awful when the inevitable rejection and abandonment occur.

I also avoid telling people things to avoid receiving the criticism and negativity!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by athena2011

Because if you're cheerful and kind and generous and loving and you drive people away...that would just hurt soooo much more.

Flaw or gap in the thinking! The other person gets to be part of the going away; they may be leaving for their own "dumb" purposes, not having anything at all to do with you! What if you are cheerful, kind, generous and loving and that reminds them what degenerates they feel themselves to be by contrast and they slink away; that's not your fault!

I use to have a person on one of these boards back 10-15 years ago that drove me crazy and I couldn't stand. However, I did not like how I responded to their posts (never mind how they responded to mine :-) so I decided to think, "What if they are right and I am wrong?" before responding to them. Having to put myself in their frame of mind, pretend I was them, helped a great deal!

We don't know what other people are thinking or their motives for what they do unless we actually ask them and talk to them and interact with them and let them be themselves and leave them "alone" to think and feel however they do without making it about us ("They hurt me!" No they didn't, you are hurt but your feelings are all your own based on what is going on inside of you, not coming from them). Deciding for them how they think/feel based on how we think and feel just gets us into a vicious inner circle of incorrect thinking where we don't get any information from outside, the true source, the other person?

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by Perna

We don't know what other people are thinking or their motives for what they do unless we actually ask them and talk to them and interact with them and let them be themselves and leave them "alone" to think and feel however they do without making it about us ("They hurt me!" No they didn't, you are hurt but your feelings are all your own based on what is going on inside of you, not coming from them). Deciding for them how they think/feel based on how we think and feel just gets us into a vicious inner circle of incorrect thinking where we don't get any information from outside, the true source, the other person?

Thank you for pointing this out Perna. This is so true. I project so much into/onto other people, it is just automatic. Even when I see that I'm projecting, I still have trouble envisioning anything other than disdainful thoughts coming from the other person. I just realized in fact that I told my T what I expect he would be thinking about me given my rut of negativity in therapy. He insisted he didn't think that...but now thinking on it, he didn't tell me what he WAS thinking so it's still a vacuum and I am just filling it up with other bad stuff. I don't think simple erasure works. I think it has to be replaced by something else.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by athena2011

I don't think simple erasure works. I think it has to be replaced by something else.

Exactly, athena.

The trick is finding new ways and sticking to them, so the healthier methods become habit. That takes time. You made an excellent point though! Remind yourself of that positive, rather than kicking yourself for not knowing what to replace that habit with.