[chrysalis22]

i think that the upping of my sertraline from 12.5 mg to 25 mg recently sent me thru the roof last night. well that and my mother. but i've been calmer even with her since before i went up. this last week i've had flu like symptoms, just downright awful. last night was the final straw for me with my mom. i blew up. i attribute most of this to the increase in the sertraline. i think it causes agitation in me, this higher dosage. i haven't raged like this in years. i kicked her car repeatedly. i called her names most people wouldn't ever dream of calling their mother. i feel such extreme hatred re. her. i feel disrespected as an adult, mother to my own children, woman, daughter. it enrages me and i was fueled beyond belief last night.

i wonder how many of us rage because of feeling never good enough. or another constantly crossing our boundary whom we've made for so many years our financial provider and/or emotional 'savior' to to speak.

i'm thinking i need to pull a geographic to get away from her...she triggers me so very badly and i don't feel like i can soar like i need to w/ her so close by. i try setting boundaries and she continually crosses them. i'm tired of it.

can any of you relate to this rage at your parents?

[ChaoticSymphony]

Omg yes! 3 days ago my mother and I started fighting, 2 days ago I told her she can kick rocks and to leave me alone for good, yesterday I screamed every single name in the book and told her to eff off and never call me again. She continued to call and eventually gave up and went to fb messages. It is easier not to yell at her thru messages but I keep saying if she wants to make arrangements to see the kids (which she has never taken them EVER) then she can message me a date and time and I will see what I can do, other wise just leave me alone. I have been thru some terrible fights with ppl in my life but the venom coming from my mouth was the worst I have seen in my entire life. Even my husband came and grabbed the phone away from me and kept it until I calmed down. He has never seen my like that before lol. So I completely understand how a mother can trigger you into a full blown, claws retracted brawl. You are on to something right, putting some space between you guys. That's what I am doing and it feels so liberating not having to think about the next time she pisses me of or hurts me with put downs. Good luck, ugh!

[chrysalis22]

omg and she also looked straight at me in the eyes with this 'i'm in control' vibe eminating from her very existence as she said in response to my asking her to leave my HOME that SHE pays the rent. biotch! so very f*cked up, IMHO to hold that over my head when she knows how hard i struggle trying to be self sufficient (i'm 41, single mom of 2 kids ages 9 and 4). no one else understands how i can feel such hatred for this person. but i do. so very much. i need physical distance. when i lived in MN i was ok for the most part until she visited from OR like every 3 months. omg...my ex was like whoa! she is more subtle in how she reacts and 'rages' but she does it in her own way. only i really see it though, which is the suckish part. then again only she really sees my rages. i see right thru her. she makes me sick. i hope my daughter doesn't feel like that about me from what i've put her thru sometimes (she is 9 and a mini me) nor that she turns out like me. i've come sooo far. i think i may get a tattoo tomorrow or sunday that says 'this too shall pass' or something. wanting slogan ideas. i need inspiration. strength reminders. how far are you from your mom now? i really think i need to make a move...

[ChaoticSymphony]

I am not insinuating anything but read daughters of narcissistic mothers. I could believe it when I read it. See if she and you fit the bill. I am an hour and a half away and I must say the small distance has helped some until I made a demand the other day. She tries to control family outings, like going to her friends kids weddings where I hate weddings in the first place and she knows this but she wants to put on a "strong family front"...what the hell does that even mean? She tells me in a "caring" way that I am **** and I picked the wrong guy, wrong house, wrong town to live in, I am a horrible mother compared to my sister, I need a job but when I suggest that I would like to get into nails and hair she goes on to tell me that I don't look the part...I am too fat, my hair is not nice enough, my clothes aren't nice enough, I just don't look the part...but she is just looking out for me so I don't get false hope lmao. Whenever we get into it I am made to feel guilty because while what I was saying was true in my eyes, eventually it gets so distorted on how much I have hurt her with those words that I am coddling her and there thereing her.

So now that we are older and we were taught (more like brainwashed) these behaviours we have to be extra careful not to continue our matriarchs behaviours. So I definitely understand your concerns about passing it on but the cool thing is we are more aware of it than our mothers were. We can stop ourselves when we see similar behaviours in ourselves and scream NOOOOOO at ourselves to not hurt our kids the way we were.

A tattoo sounds like a good idea, inspirational phrases really keep us going sometimes.