I'd been doing really well only cut once in the last 3 months and that was almost 2 months ago.

for ages the relief from cutting hasn't been there anymore, not like it used to be.

yesterday I cut again and the relief was amazing, like how it used to be. I did it again this morning.

I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to stop - its working well so why would I want to stop? I know I should stop but there's part of me that doesn't want to.

I'm seeing A in 2 days and I'm terrified of what she'll say. I know she'll made me throw everything out. and she'll want me to commit to a safety plan.

it seems too scary. I just want to not go back. things are way to much right now and no one other than A has any idea what's going on, not even the friends I usually talk to. and now I'm too scared to talk to A.

I don't know what to do.

[bpd2]

So. Here's my rule: if I think about other people and "what they'll think" or if what I am doing will have some sort of effect on them (of any kind), I don't get to do any self-harm. Of course, I aim not to do it at all. If I think of them, wonder what they'll say, etc., then I know I'm not doing it because I really need it but because it's all tangled up with emotional needs I have that I want them to fulfill. If it's truly a private thing, ain't nobody's bus'ness but my own. No ********.

I generally don't tell anyone. but A is my DBT therapist. and I have to fill out my weekly diary card and record if I SHed.

[bpd2]

Ah. I see. I forgot about DBT and the rules about safety plans . . . . Isn't self-harm a thing to be extinguished, though?--not like s attempts? I can't remember . . . In any case, DBT is worth the strain of working through it. In all cases, though, A has your best interests in mind, as I hope you have your own, too. It's a matter of coping and doing your best and not giving up just because it all goes to hell sometimes. Take a deep breath in whatever space you can find it. Think about whether or not that's the way you want to find that deep breath, look for a few alternatives to have on hand, just because nothing works all the time, and take a look at an older person's arms who's been cutting for awhile. The skin looks so sloppy and bad. You think wrinkles and cellulite are bad? Hah. Look at wobbly batwings arms and scars from SI. It gives you a whole new perspective--especially if those arms are your own . . . There are better ways, and DBT helps you find your own (DBT suggestions didn't really work for me for very long or very often, but they started me in looking hard for solutions that would work for me and that I could remember and get access to--things that felt right for me, even though they didn't satisfy. But they were enough almost every time and for years and years, with very few slip-ups. So, that's the way it goes for me . . . . )

I know there are thousands of reasons I shouldn't do it.

it's just so hard not too.

thanks for your reply.

I tried so hard to stay really busy all day today cuz I'm not feeling safe.

tonight I'm home alone. I tried to call the counsellor I talk to at kids help line. I tried 3 times. she wasn't available. so I ended up cutting.

I feel awful. I want to do worse. I tried calling back but can't get through.

I have so much I should be doing but I can't. I'm really far behind at tafe but it's just too hard for me to do any work.

it's not even 10pm but I think they only way I'll stay safe is to go to bed. I just hope I can sleep.