My daily struggles

One quick little sidenote - Me and my mom were discussing how me and my sister are both studying/going to study stuff that helps people. I'm gonna be studying physiotherapy and my sister is close to getting a degree in psychology. So my mom was all like.. "So you can help her physically and she can help you mentally.. Although you don't need it! "

She has no idea.. Kind of funny how incredibly good I am at pretending.

My psychologist sent me a letter yesterday. Day before that actually, but I saw it yesterday. Still trying to pull my thoughts together to write her back.

Just not feeling well ate something that didn't agree; and trying not to blow up in anger at someone today because of it -_-

Just thought I'd mentioned that this isn't like an overall "how's everyone doing today" subject since there already is one. This is more like my own topic of some sort. Which doesn't mean that other's can't write here - not at all. Feel free to, I don't mind. But just.. To clear that up or something.

Anyway.. I was about to go to bed and I came back on here since I'm pissed off. Without an actual reason. Well.. That's the way it works with me. I just realized that the black and white thinking has been really strong today. Like.. I seriously dislike this one girl at the moment.. Like.. I want to smash her head against something. And I haven't even spoken to her today. It's completely random. And yeah.. I'm.. Mad.

Still haven't responded to my psychologist. Don't even know why. Usually I'm super excited to write back to her. Right now it's just.. Idk..

Gonna go to sleep now. Night.

Still haven't responded to that letter..
Just saw my graduating grades.. A's and B's only. Yay.

But my joy was ruined by an incident. There was a spider right next to me on the wall. I panicked - I have a phobia. And my mom just got mad at me for being such a baby. Like I can ****ing help it if I have a ****ing PHOBIA. I hate her in moments like this.
Been crying for a good ten minutes now.

getting mad at people who are upset - WTF is that about??? HUGS xxx

That's what she does. She's always gotten mad at me and said that I'm a big baby. Even when I was like.. 5. When my dad left. I used to fall a lot as a kid. I was always in a hurry. But I just got up and kept going. But after my dad left.. I cried every time when I fell. I was craving attention. Soon my mom just said that I'm a big girl and I need to stop whining about minor things. That's when I started gathering all my feelings deep inside of me..
I was just a kid, for ****s sake..

sounds v familiar ((((((((((((us)))))))))))))

I've been trying for days now to pull myself together. I need to do one small essay or else I'm gonna have an F on my grade paper. And I need to write back to my psychologist. No motivation whatsoever..

Stayed up all night having anxiety flow through my chest/stomach to the point of wanting to either puke or punch a wall, nothing brought it on either it just came. So my grandpa was up all night with me and we watched tv and he told me stories from when he was younger

Did the school thingie.. Finally. And now I'm gonna write back to my psychologist.

Wrote a letter to my psychologist as well. I feel good. Like I've actually accomplished something.

Got the results for my last exams. Yay! I did good.

well done
xxxx

I just remembered something and since I don't have anyone to talk to about this, I might as well write it here.. So.. My dad left when I was five. Or something.. I don't remember him or any of it. And he hasn't been in contact with me or my sis ever since. But she and my mom do email each other sometimes because he pays us. To like.. financially support or whatever. And in the last letter he was actually asking about me and my sis. Like how are we doing and stuff. Which isn't a big thing or anything. it just got me thinking about what I'd do if he actually wanted to see me or my sis.. it's just.. weird that he asked. It's been fifteen years and now he cares? idk..

my dad left when i was 6 - he is however incapable of caring its sad xxx

Been having really bad anxiety for the past 4days w/ no reason at all, and my sleep is erratic again Requested some friends on facebook, but now paranoid about what "they" will think about my request, ugh why do I worry about what I can't control

I'm getting quite a bit of anxiety. We have guests coming over and it's my sisters graduation tomorrow and mine the day after.. But I'll manage.

i find lots of time with people and no break very stressful - try to grab time outs as often as you can maybe, it helps me a lot xxx

I just have really bad anxiety right now. I'm about to throw up.. And I know it's nothing physical and when I stop thinking about stuff for one second, I feel completely fine. But then I think about it again and I'm about to throw up. Sucks. Gonna try and watch a tv show to get my mind off of it. I'm just overthinking things so bad.

Hope you feel better hugsI've been the same way for the past 5 days to the point of it hurting and making me not sleep, but I do what I can to cope, listen to music, watch tv, write and sleep are things that help me.

It went way worse during the evening. And then I woke up in the middle of the night and I think I had an anxiety attack, but I was still half asleep so I don't remember.

Anyway.. I took a Valerian pill. That should help since I don't take medication usually.

So.. A little update. The valerian pill REALLY worked. It completely calmed me down in about half an hour and made me sleepy in about an extra hour or so. Well.. it's not like want-to-sleep-now-or-i'll-die sleepy. it's more like.. my-eyes-feel-heavy-like-I've-been-on-the-computer-for-too-long sleepy. Which works for me. it's just like that.. Tiredness from a long day. And that was in the morning.

I took another one after "dinner" (The effect was starting to wear off and I could barely eat two fork-fulls of spaghetti) and I'm in the sleepy phase right now. So I'm gonna go and watch a movie or something and go to bed.

But yeah.. Valerian pill gets five stars from me. Works like magic.

I'm.. feeling a bit down. I feel like I've lost everyone from around me. I have no motivation.. No thrive. And no idea what comes next.

Spent some time doing different tests on this site..

I scored a severe BPD, mild ADD and possible OCD. if I recall correctly.. Anyway. It was just what I had thought. BPD with tendencies towards ADD and OCD behaviour. The OCD part is no biggie, but my short attention span does kind of bother me.

On a more positive note - Told a friend about my self harm. Took me the whole day to gather up the courage to tell someone and I finally did. Not the friend I originally wanted to tell, but hey.. it's a start. I told her not to react in any way because I was too scared of being pitied. So she just sent me a virtual hug and that's pretty much all I needed. I didn't tell anyone so that they'd do something. I just felt like I wanted to tell someone. So.. Yeah.