My daily struggles

She just.. She wasn't taking all of what I was saying as like.. "Well let's discuss this through the point of view that you have BPD". It was more like.. She was asking me questions to try and find another solution or another reason as to why I do have those symptoms.

Today has been really.. weird. I mean.. It was a good day, but I've been feeling bad the whole day. Like.. Really anxious. Maybe because it was something out of the ordinary - went to a friends birthday. I just feel sick in my stomach and my skin feels cold and I just.. Don't feel good. Terribly anxious. Oh well.. Hopefully it'll pass. I'm worried about tomorrow though.. I have a concert with a choir. So that day will be "out of the ordinary" as well. Hopefully my eating schedule won't get too out of hand. Today I still managed to eat, so that's good.

I have problems with eating when I'm anxious - I feel too sick to eat and then I get anxious because I know I'll feel worse when I don't eat. because I have problems with my bloodsugar. It's a dead circle. But today I ate. So I'll be fine.

Sometimes MH professionals ask question unrelated to your suspected dx, to rule out other possibilities... Just a thought. Glad you managed to eat, and hope you enjoy the concert

The concert went fine. I actually saw this guy who I had a major crush on like.. four years ago. So that was funny/embarrassing.

But I got two of my exam results today. I only scored 54 point in Math. Out of 100. And 68 in Biology. There is no way I'm gonna get into the university I want with those points. Which means that my whole life is pretty much ruined, since I don't have a back-up plan. Well.. I'd like to study music, but there's absolutely no way I'll get into a music academy because I haven't taken music theory like.. never.
And I'd like to travel for a year, if I don't get in, but I don't have the money. So yeah.. I'm beyond disappointed.

I'm really good at pretending.. I'm talking to people on MSN. And I'm crying my eyes out, but I still manage to write back as if I'm laughing and in a good mood.

And I just want to pour it all out to a friend but I don't want to be a heavy baggage to her. So I'm just keeping it all in. And it's killing me.

Same boat (lol)...

But she knows about me failing at my exams and she's trying to cheer me up. Which is amazing. Not working.. But still amazing.

Good grief, he basically diagnosed you as imagining things without even seeing you, and that's clearly as bad as diagnosing a condition the same way. What a jerk. He'd be worse than useless even if he agreed to see you, so good thing he revealed his stupidity up front. You will find someone good. That is my birthday wish for you!

Sorry -- my post went in the wrong sequence. I hope it came out making sense.

It did and thank you. Your support means the world to me.

As for the latest news.. I had a breakdown last night. I finished up talking to that friend. Poured some of my emotions out to her and then felt guilty for saying anything and being a burden. So I just said good night and ended the conversation and went to bed and just started crying. That wasn't even crying.. It was a serious breakdown. I just couldn't stop for what seemed hours.. But I think it was more like one hour. Anyway.. I felt horrible.. And I scratched my arm again. This time even harder. But luckily I don't have any marks left. Stayed red for a while but then it cleared up.

On a lighter note - My sister came home as a surprise. She is driving through.. Going to a summer festival. And she had time to stop by. She lives about a two hour drive away, so we don't see each other very often. So that's nice. And she didn't look too disappointed when I told her my exam results.. So yeah.. I'm feeling better now.

Right now I feel like I could either listen to music and dance/exercise, or bite and or cut myself, (sighs) I was bitting yesterday. But I ended up having some fun too going swimming with my family and watching shark movies on syfy

I woke up crying. It's like 8 AM over here and I can't go back to sleep. had a bad dream. Which also made me realize that I've had symptoms of BPD for a while. because this dream was like a memory. And then I woke up and cried for another half hour. But I didn't scratch myself. So I'm quite proud of that.

And I did the 90 seconds relaxation thing.. And now I'm gonna maybe do my last bit of homework. And then draw. Even though I can't. I still like to. And then take a shower.

I've been having this thing lately.. I compare myself to others too much. It happens when I discover someone great. This time, it's the singer Lights. I just wish I was her. It's like.. How come some people have it all. She can do anything and she's gorgeous.. And some people don't have anything..

When I fall into the trap of comparing myself and thinking how ****** my life is, I remind myself that somewhere in the world, there are alot of people who are much worse off than me... Not a happy thought, but it helps keep my perspective. Reading news about syria or women in Saudi give me in instant reality check! Yes, my life's not a bed of roses, but I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, never have to go sleep hungry, I'm not about to be gunned down and I have free will... I can choose to wallow or work around my issues and strive for a better tomorrow.

I usually do that too, but lately I've been trying to figure out what I want out of my life. And I've realized that I don't want to study some random thing in the university and get a job and work and have a family and grow old and die. I want to do something extraordinary. I want to be a singer. I want to go on tours and meet new people every night. I want to spend my nights writing lyrics and my days in the studio. I want it all. But I'm not brave enough to go and get it. So I'm gonna go to university. And study physiotherapy. And work in a hospital. And have a family. And grow old. And die.

Only disney kids are guaranteed instant fame and fortune. It's brilliant really, take the Jonas brothers or Miley Cyrus for eg. They had/have shows which depicted them as celebrity, so they had an instant following. For the rest of us, you try your luck at idols/ The voice. Or you gotta have a network of bigwigs. A trustfund that can pay for studio time could definitly help, OR be ruthlous enough to claw your way to the top. Me? I'm glad I realized that celebrity would take the joy right out of my voice, I'm not ruthlous at all. But, if I could choose to sing for a living now, I'd choose a regular gig at a nice club. That would suit me just fine

But I can't have both. The auditions for Idols start in August. School starts in September. I can't do both at the same time.. And I have to inform the university about my studies in August. So what if I say that I'll be going to the university but then I'd get into the Idol? I just don't know.. And I don't really think the Idol is the right way for me. I seriously just want to start doing little gigs and online videos and just.. Do this my way. But I don't have the opportunities for that.
I'm stuck.

How about you work on your studies 1st, and then persue fame and fortune? That way, if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, (D0N'T read failure, I'm thinking, more in the lines of circumstances changing, or you deciding you want something different) that way, you have something to fall back on while you're unable to perform.

Yeah, I thought about that too. But.. I don't know. I want it now. I guess I'll end up in university nevertheless. If I get in.

And maybe I'll start putting stuff online while there. We'll see.

But atleast that singer, Lights.. She inspired me to brush my teeth more often and more properly. She has a perfect smile.

Inspiration's always a good thing

Yeah.. Anyway.. Thank you for talking to me. I feel quite better now.

And now I'm gonna go get ready and go to the doctors. Not a psychiatrist though.. I just need to get my checkup done for some paperwork involving a physical illness I have.

Right now Im listeng to music, but feel like I could flip out any second due to idek what. Called my dad last night seeing him on Wed, and will talk to him about helping me find a psych to get evaluated, (my mom already knows). at the same time I regret it because I just don't know what will come of it wearing a hoodie cause I decided to pick open a scratch I had, and scratch my shoulder with a saftey pin last night; ugh I hate mysef for SI but it feels good at the same time, I was doing good too other than hitting I went for 7yrs w/out cutting...

I'm sorry to hear about that. :/ Make sure you listen to some good music, not something that might trigger you!

I'm on my way out.. Gonna drive to the capital. For this.. Project ending. We did a project on HIV and drug addictions. Learned the theory and went to schools to give lectures. And now we're going to the capital to HIV centers to see how they actually work and then we're gonna finish the project off with a meal. And we'll get the certificates that prove that we have finished the project and done voluntary work. I'm really excited. And kind of nervous too, since I couldn't eat much this morning due to anxiety. And I don't know how much I'll be able to eat at that meal. But oh well.. We have a psychologist with us, who I've actually visited for personal problems. She was part of the project. So that's good. Makes me feel more.. Safe in a way.

Anyway, yeah.. I'm gonna get going. My bus leaves in 20 minutes.

Byeh! Hope you all have a good day. And as always - You are all in my thoughts.

llinu- it always astonishes me how much you are able to do - gives me hope for myself

thanks for sharing

Aww.. Thank you so much. That really made me smile.
I just like to keep myself busy with stuff, because then I don't have time to get overly worked up about some stupid problems I have going on. if I'm just sitting at home, I have time to think and drive myself crazy. But if I'm outside and doing something, my mind has other work to do. And it keeps me positive.

The bus drive to the capital was about one and a half hours. I listened to good music and just watched the scenery and it felt incredibly calming. Overall, my day was really good.

awww - that sounds lovely