....just the other day and today and yesterday and even tomorow and next week I thought about all the beautiful people and wonderful feelings I left behind me in my borderline destruction and emotional twister of madness that puts me in bandages....
puts me in bed for days...
puts me in psych chairs for months...
puts me in rehabs for years
puts me in cells and chains sometimes
....courtrooms and shame
puts me in really really difficult situations....ones I am emotionally incapable of handling
puts me in addiction self destruction and .....
whatever other crap it's got!

MISSING everybody I have ever loved just kills me before life has even killed the ones I love I fear their absence at it's worst but what about just the daily living knowledge of them I want to die to avoid feeling the loss I cannot handle feeling LOVE....

all I am good at is HATE

and then it's like the two headed viper biting itself in the arse!....stupidly thinking it's the arse but it's the damn head!

....so it's the memories.....most regular people in our modern 'fantasy' world get a few maybe one or two but possibly one....maybe ...?...who knows?

check the borderline existence...?

so many starts and no fullfillment!

so much effort to re-start and no results

each time it gets harder but so does the significance of the purpose but also gets lost is what the hell went wrong it was me surely but crap I don't know lets go again and it's failed...I cannot handle it I am so insecure and no-one knows just how much cos by now it's "take twenty eight" and most suckers give up after 5....screw them they are weak !!

...yeah sure no-ones tougher and nastier than the true borderline !...but is that my identity?

...ouch

[Trippin2.0]

This post resonates SO much with me right now James

[3little.birds]

I may have lost my bf of 4 years today because I lost it. ..... Destruction is a great word for that.. Destruction... .

[lindaannn62]

Originally Posted by 3little.birds

I may have lost my bf of 4 years today because I lost it. ..... Destruction is a great word for that.. Destruction... .

I have a question. My bf is borderline -- do borderlines know when they are acting inappropriate or running scared? lindaann62

[3little.birds]

Yes. In situations like yesterday I do. I can't control it though. Other times my logic is just different. Idk about others, that's just me.

...I tell you somethin people friends....we don't do it on purpose!....I mean why the heck would we make things worse.....all I ever done was to make things better but there be such obstacles in our way and these be other peoples ISSUES!!...and I aint kidding here...I never went into anything with a closed complicated heart.

but it seems intrigueingly possible that these others we adore just happen to have an unidentified agenda even they cannot see!

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...I tell you somethin people friends....we don't do it on purpose!....I mean why the heck would we make things worse.....all I ever done was to make things better but there be such obstacles in our way and these be other peoples ISSUES!!...and I aint kidding here...I never went into anything with a closed complicated heart.

but it seems intrigueingly possible that these others we adore just happen to have an unidentified agenda even they cannot see!

surely that must make some sense....

I choose to agree with me
most regular dumbass people have no ****ing idea what pain they inflict on us

monkey boy

[Trippin2.0]

I agree whole-heartedly James. They have no idea how hard we try NOT to hurt them, and even less idea when they retalliate... Fkn idiots with their microscopic emotional scales.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I agree whole-heartedly James. They have no idea how hard we try NOT to hurt them, and even less idea when they retalliate... Fkn idiots with their microscopic emotional scales.

wow.....x

[NYCDoglvr]

Trip and Double ......... it helps to stand back and question our beliefs. No one deserves to be blasted with rage. I couldn't really get into recovery until I clearly saw the problem is in me. The problem IS me.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr

Trip and Double ......... it helps to stand back and question our beliefs. No one deserves to be blasted with rage. I couldn't really get into recovery until I clearly saw the problem is in me. The problem IS me.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with my beliefs,altho Idk what it is you so clearly think I do believe... Did you see me blasting anybody with rage? No, obviously not, so you must have read it then? Again the answer's no... Which means you are making assumptions about me... Firstly I'll have you know that my rage has been in check for the last 9yrs thank u very much! Motherhood is what I thank for that. 2ndly, The hurt I didn't mean to inflict, was my insecurity, delusions,and paranoia. The retalliation of the normi was the inevitable supersized rejection burger I had to swallow in 1 go without chewing! If you were referring to my adjectives. i.e. Fkn idiots, microscopic, then CLEARLY I was being expressive as there were no CAPS and emoticons to suggest otherwise. It meant they will NEVER understand the effort that I put into appearing emotionally APPROPRIATE. Lastly, you don't have to remind me that I am the PROBLEM, I've been successfully beating myself over the head with that very stick consistantly everyday for the last 8 months...
I know I sound pissed off, I am, but not at you. I'm pissed off at assumptions. People are so quick to assume instead of asking questions. I hate that assumptions even exist.

[3little.birds]

I dont think the comment was meant to offend

I agree, assumptions suck. Not going to lie, I make them everyday probably. :/. I think it is a part of human nature.

I also know very well, usually even in the middle of the situation, that no one needs to be blasted with rage. It doesn't make me more equipped to stop it, though. The problem has always been me.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks 3LB.I know the reply wasn't mean spirited, But I am/was offended bcoz I have no idea where the rage conclusion came from. Does bpd automatically mean spewing verbal filth at our loved ones? My anger has mostly been inward anyway, and the few times it did escape, was a long time ago... I guess I'm just a bit hurt that that was the conclusion drawn from my post. But I'm not at all upset with NYCDL, and thought I'd made that clear earlier.

[3little.birds]

I could tell you were offended, and you did make it very clear that you weren't upset with NYCDL. You have a special gift at saying exactly what you are thinking (here and on other threads), without any additional meaning attached to it. I wish I was better at doing that! I consider that one of my weaknesses :/. But inward anger is even worse than the outward explosive sort .

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by 3little.birds

I could tell you were offended, and you did make it very clear that you weren't upset with NYCDL. You have a special gift at saying exactly what you are thinking (here and on other threads), without any additional meaning attached to it. I wish I was better at doing that! I consider that one of my weaknesses :/. But inward anger is even worse than the outward explosive sort .

thank you for your 'special gift' compliment. I love writing, and your comment means I'm doing something right with it. And remember, a weakness can always be strengthened with the right tools and practice Anyway, it's very easy for your words to be minced or misconstrued online, so don't take it to heart inward rage is yucky,yes, but with every episode I practice my coping skills, and come here to see if there's more I can learn. I don't believe your emotional toolkit can ever be too full