[BrokenNBeautiful]

As soon as I came out of my room just now, I discovered that my roommate was really mad at me.

I did my DBT, tried to stay calm. I asked him what was on his mind. He told me he was angry with me because I expected him to be finished with cleaning the fridge in an hour. I was hungry and thirsty and he was on the phone. And yes, I was irritated cause he often stops what he's doing (incl. conversations with me) to answer the phone, stays on the phone for hours and then does not finish what he starts until much later. So the freaking fridge door is turned around, is out of my reach, I am hot and thirsty and try to keep my voice down. I go, "Bruce, I was hoping you were finished, but I guess the phone rang. I need to get something to drink please."

He helped me and I thanked him and for the rest of the day, I thought we were cool.

Then he's cold as ice to me just now, and I did get it out of him that he was angry; he told me that I "needed to be more understanding about his taking time with the fridge".

I told him that the phone had rung and he was busy talking to his friend while the fridge was sitting there not being cleaned. I told him I was hot and thirsty and hungry and thought it was okay to ask him to help me get the food and drink; did not know I was "abusive" to him; had kept my voice down, did not act mean or anything.

Then he says, "Billi, you've been grouchy lately."

I go, "Okay, I was grouchy today, and I am sorry about today. I am sorry about being upset about the fridge. I am glad you told me, but I was grouchy---lately? I didn't know I was grouchy longer than today. What was I doing all week?"

He goes, "I don't know..." then tunes me out. Then he said something that really hurt, again. He had said this before many times and I had, last year, told him how it made me feel. He goes, "I sure like cats better than people. Everone I meet is nuts."

Thank goodness I knew that right now I was in a bad mood. With this knowledge I was able to control myself.

It was all I could do to say to him, "I am glad she makes you happy." (referring to his cat). I said this keepiong my voice down and neutral. And I understood that he did relate to animals better than to people.

But it still hurt. That part about people being nuts. I know I am one of the nuts, to him.

My mentor talked to me and reminded me Bruce did not mean to hurt me.

But still I get pretty sick of him (bruce) telling me over and over again how much better cats are than people. I am people and it still hurts my feelings no matter how I cut the square.

Billi

[Fleur**]

To be honest, a lot of people who don't have a diagnosis aren't necessarily psychologically healthy. Because I know I'm ill, I've had to be more self aware- these people may very well not have a diagnosis, and as a result they don't tend to look at their own thoughts and behaviours much. They just blame others instead. This sounds like your roommate. Unless it was an important phonecall, I would say that it would have been perfectly reasonable to expect him to finish what he's doing seeing as the fridge is communal property. However,people are often unreasonable- the trick is to not let it phaze you. it sounds like you handled it well. I doubt he dislikes you specifically- it sounds like may he have some issues relating to people too, so try not to take it personally.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks.

My mentor also told me that Bruce did not have as much "diagnosis" or "psychiatric history" as myself. Also, Bruce indeed is not as keen on mental health as I am. He knows he's depressed and codependent, sometimes he's wondered if he's bpd. But I agree that he does seem to look down more on others than examine his own issues. He seems to see himself as just a victim and not someone who is responsible for his own problems. He will blame me more than himself when there is an issue between us and he continually complains about his friends to me. About how "sick" they are.

I am sure I am one of them to him.

Ani (mentor) instructed me last night to picture Bruce's "cats better than humans" and "nuts" comments simply falling away and bouncing off my tougher skin.

With this knowledge, I was able to forgive Bruce this morning and carry on.

Billi

[OctobersBlackRose]

Your roommate sounds a lot like my Mom, minus the not being able to relat to people part, she's an attention seeker. She always acts as if she is the "victim" and that everyone has wronged her somehow, and rarely take responsibility for her misfourtions and problems, and also thinks she is always right. But if we say anything about her and her behavior she says nothing is wrong and that we just hate her.

And right now Im trying to seek myself help and another evaluation, since the last one I had was when i was 12, and now Im 20. and im asking my Dad's gf to help me as she has a 12yr old daughter with severe adhd and knows what to do. And I need my Mom's support, but she seems to not understand what is going on with me, and somehow twists my problems around to make them my falut and that im just seeking attention. She'd rather have me spend a week in a psych ward then have me go to a counsoler.

And she is also jealous of my dads gf saying that she "acts" too much like she is our mother and trying to brainwash my sisters and I to dislike my Mom, when that isn't the case. Sometimes I just want to tell my mom that she needs to go get help, and evaluated along with me. But she refuses to see issues within herself other than anxiety, I see both bpd and bi-polar in my mom as do my sister and my dad. Idk she's an adult and can make her own decisions and as her daughter I can't say much to her because I don't need WWIII in my house. Monday I go to have my first session to see a counsoler to figre out what kind of evaluation i need, and my Mom and my Dads gf are going , and even though my Mom appreciates what she is doing to help, and do things my Mom may not be able to, she is worried that my dads gf is going to interfere with things, overlooking the fact that Monday is about me, not them.

Apologies for this being so long and off topic, but I needed to get that out.

Hugs to you

[kiki86]

bruce sounds like kind of an asshole. it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong. it sounds like you handled the situation really well in fact. i would have probably been screaming at him by the time it got to "everyone i meet is nuts". which i suppose would have validated his belief lol. i do think it's his problem in this case though, not yours.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by OctobersBlackRose

Your roommate sounds a lot like my Mom, minus the not being able to relat to people part, she's an attention seeker. She always acts as if she is the "victim" and that everyone has wronged her somehow, and rarely take responsibility for her misfourtions and problems, and also thinks she is always right. But if we say anything about her and her behavior she says nothing is wrong and that we just hate her.

And I need my Mom's support, but she seems to not understand what is going on with me, and somehow twists my problems around to make them my falut and that im just seeking attention. She'd rather have me spend a week in a psych ward then have me go to a counsoler.

that's about it. He acts like I am this bad kid, esp when I am jealous of his d cat. (sorry, venting).

I know better. He's hurting too. But the poor bloke doesn't have an outlet except for his therapist and I agree again, he's not a d victim of me! Why do ppl do this to us---except that they are hurting too and sometimes or often have no room for our issues?!

Billi

[OctobersBlackRose]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

that's about it. He acts like I am this bad kid, esp when I am jealous of his d cat. (sorry, venting).

I know better. He's hurting too. But the poor bloke doesn't have an outlet except for his therapist and I agree again, he's not a d victim of me! Why do ppl do this to us---except that they are hurting too and sometimes or often have no room for our issues?!

Billi

Oh you're okay, venting is good, he your roommate just needs a better outlet, and a good reality check, you're trying to be civil with him, but it doesn't always work, all you can do is try, and maybe he'll come to his sensesand take responsibility for his actions and problems, and maybe he won't. I've delt with this type of personality my whole life with my mom, and still don't know how to act towards her on a day to day basis, especially when I need her support, and she seemingly cares more about how it'll affect her, I mean she cares about and lovs me, but she likes to be in denial when it comes to mental health issues, not just hers, but everyones. (venting)

I just hope the best for you and your roommate, hugs

[NYCDoglvr]

Billi .... it sounds like you handled the conversation with your roommate quite well. Shows a lot of hard work on your part. We're powerless over other people's words and actions but can learn to handled our own stuff so as not to make a situation worse.
You're a power of example. Thanks for posting this.