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#1
Jun 22, 2012, 06:09 PM
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I have been becoming anxious towards my boyfriend this week. This is mostly due to his preoccupation with sexual activity, while my my mind is preoccupied with sorrow and fear about my daughters visiting my family in Ca (all of which I've recently carved out of my life). I am having horrible nightmares about family ~ it's pretty hard to get out of this mindset I'm stuck in.
Yet, my bf is similarly stuck in a mode of thinking ~ it's just sex. I'm hot. He wants me so bad. I'm beautiful. Blah, blah, blah. It doesn't mean sh*! All it means is that he's a man and I'm a woman. We're together & have enjoyed sex with one another before. Does that mean that I'm special?? I don't think so. In my experience, every man goes on and on about this baloney to get what they want. So, why should I believe my bf? How is he any different than every other guy that I've ever been with? If anything, this bf is the most openly focused on sex than any other man I've known. With these negative thoughts, I can't allow myself to relax at all around my bf. Not having any friends (other than my bf and a couple of his friends), I have nobody. My family is gone to me. I cannot (will not) ever have anything to do with them again. My daughters are in Ca, and they're busy...I don't want to talk with family to see how they are either. I have nothing. The girls are the only thing that keeps me alive, because I couldn't accept screwing them up any more than I already have. But, when my girls are taken out of the equation...I REALLY struggle to find some sense of hope. Paranoia is just the worst!! Please tell me if you can understand where I'm coming from. Am I making any sense to you, or am I just making false connections?
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"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
 BrokenNBeautiful, clouds_and_sun, FacingChains
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 BrokenNBeautiful
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#2
Jun 24, 2012, 05:15 AM
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Quote:
 help.... You are being very hard on yourself. Try to lighten up a bit.  I am a very paranoid person too, comes from being invalidated constantly...you knowmindfulness techniques...do your best to get grounded..I thhink that is what you would tell me...center yourself...it will help the paranoia and crazy feelings fall away, I hope...take care Shez..  Chains
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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Borderlline PD, The Battle is Real |
| BrokenNBeautiful
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#3
Jun 24, 2012, 04:14 PM
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Thank you FacingChains.
I appreciate your input and understanding a lot! I have been told to lighten up by my bf, which is why he tries to use sex to take my mind off things. But our minds just don't work the same & he doesn't "get that". He just can't relate in any way to my childhood experiences, that molded me into this jello that I am today.  He thinks that I'm so much stronger and more resilient than I ever feel. Anyway, when I hear "lighten up", I take it as "shut the ___ up!!".  So, I'm glad that you went on to remind me of using my mindfulness techniques.  Thanks Chains, I owe you one!
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
| BrokenNBeautiful
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| BrokenNBeautiful
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#4
Jun 24, 2012, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
so....lets experiment! what is the wrong thing to do with paranoia? lets define it....!! I have no identity!....I am fearful!...everything around me has authority over me! I am subject to all the opinions.....percieved or guessed byy others....around me....their ideals are better then mine! ok...LETS GET REAL BUDDY BABY ...ideas of you comin in from outside who knows where the ****?..... they got no basis.......ya see! you are unique...unknown to them...arseholes.....let them suffocate in borderline assumptions!.....you are originaland pefect example of you and noses of these tossers I will break.... you are the ultimate version of yourself and paranoia will make you wonder why and not gently but hardcore......enough to doubt your entire life..... mr paranoia is a prick!....thats all he got.....so he try pretty hard,,,,,and ust backfire the **** on him....."what you gonna do without me?... nuthin mate! |
| BrokenNBeautiful
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#5
Jun 24, 2012, 10:34 PM
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Thank you very much, dubblemonkey!
 I never stop and look at things in this way. I had to read your post a few times before I could accept what you were saying. Certainly a behavior that I need to work on, instead of kicking myself myself down harder. Great perspective, thanks again!!
__________________
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
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#6
Jun 25, 2012, 05:46 PM
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I should stay away from those little quips people say to one another, it is the same as saying" get over it" "Buck up little camper" ARGH I would be so angry if someone said that to me!!....I just meant you are being awful hard on poor you!! I am also kind of like you....emotionally my doc says I am a small child, but I am very bright and articulate, I am very pretty and I have my masters, ALL people except my boyfriend and his mother expect so much from me....I just LOOK the part and play the part so well...so I understand, sometimes we fool people too well...while we are crumbling, imploding, folding, caving in, like a sink hole inside...with nothing to hold onto...so sorry.PM me anytime. I check in almost everyday unless I am just too depressed to get on...take care Shez, Chains
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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Borderlline PD, The Battle is Real |
| shezbut
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| shezbut
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#7
Jun 27, 2012, 11:39 AM
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Regarding BF, I'd tell him that I'm going through a very tough period and need a short break.
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| shezbut
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#8
Jun 29, 2012, 10:12 PM
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It's hard when a partner/spouse does not seem to be on our level or into us when we are having a hard time. I had a bf back in 2008 when my aunt passed away and he was more s*xual with me than actually comforting. "I am so sorry Billi, about your aunt dying", while being amorous and stuff.
That left me feeling even more lonely and even more invalidated and scared and angry about my loss. I am glad you talked to us. Billi
__________________
The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness!  |
| shezbut
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| shezbut
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