[powertools321]

Just when you think you are in control, just when you feel things are getting better, just when you start to have hope again.
The pain, the pain, it starts up again.
I start to have hope, I start to move forward but now I'm paralyzed.
These incessant mood swings, I did not ask for this, I do not want this. What have I done to deserve this? Was a mass murderer in a previous life and this is my karma?
I know what I'm supposed to do, I have been taught the skills, but what is the use if it just keeps happening.
I know others would miss me, I know all about the statistics of the legacy I would leave behind, but I don't care, I just don't care.
I feel so small, so small, so insignificant.
The pain it hurts so bad, it floods every part of my being with misery.
I try to help others and portray a role model of sorts, but its a lie, I'm phony, I'm no better than anybody else.
Where is the end, the peace, oh the peace that I so desperately crave for, I have felt you once in awhile but oh far too seldom, and for far to fleeting of a moment.
Can I bear this pain again? Should I bear this pain again? How many more times can I bear this pain again? All questions that need to be answered, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it all again.
The hurt that only we know, we share, it truly is a special kind of hell.
I cry for no-one and for everyone, but most of all I cry because of the pain.

[nightglo]

Power,

I resonate with so much of what you're talking about. It can feel like building yourself up from a pile of rubble over and over and over again. Do you feel like, even though the pain is the same, that you cope better than you used to? Or maybe that it doesn't last quite as long as it has before?

I certainly resonate with feeling defeated because of the pain. I'm here with you, and I really want to see you get through this. We don't deserve this pain, it takes so much strength to bear, but you are here and you are doing it. Please don't give up.

take gentle care,
glo.

[melstar]

Originally Posted by powertools321

Just when you think you are in control, just when you feel things are getting better, just when you start to have hope again.
The pain, the pain, it starts up again.
I start to have hope, I start to move forward but now I'm paralyzed.
These incessant mood swings, I did not ask for this, I do not want this. What have I done to deserve this? Was a mass murderer in a previous life and this is my karma?
I know what I'm supposed to do, I have been taught the skills, but what is the use if it just keeps happening.
I know others would miss me, I know all about the statistics of the legacy I would leave behind, but I don't care, I just don't care.
I feel so small, so small, so insignificant.
The pain it hurts so bad, it floods every part of my being with misery.
I try to help others and portray a role model of sorts, but its a lie, I'm phony, I'm no better than anybody else.
Where is the end, the peace, oh the peace that I so desperately crave for, I have felt you once in awhile but oh far too seldom, and for far to fleeting of a moment.
Can I bear this pain again? Should I bear this pain again? How many more times can I bear this pain again? All questions that need to be answered, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it all again.
The hurt that only we know, we share, it truly is a special kind of hell.
I cry for no-one and for everyone, but most of all I cry because of the pain.

Power,

I know to well that constant feeling of pain and not wanting to deal with it anymore because all it does is consume your every thought, move, everything about you. Keep hanging on!! Can you go for a walk, or do something to help distract yourself from these feelings?? Someone previously suggested a coloring book, and I thought that was a good idea, because it helps to take your mind off of the pain, and it helps to calm you. Keep posting, we are here for you!!

powertools-- You aren't a phony. I see you helping people. What you say matters. Yes, the pain feels like the end of the world. As Melstar says, distraction is important-- I take walks, work with homeless cats, plant flowers, listen to music. Please take care of yourself; you deserve good things.

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain today. Everyone on this forum understands your pain. An undying pain that occasionally slips away but when it is present, which is almost all the time, is completely all-consuming. A pain that you are willing to do anything, including self injury and suicide, to abolish. And it seems like a cruel joke for those of is who found ourselves dealing with such pain in mid-life, whose pain only came back with age, with circumstances, instead of becoming less. And I too understand the I don't care feeling you are currently feeling. You know the tricks to make it better, but you somehow feel as though you deserve the pain and it shouldn't be taken from you.

I don't have a miracle cure or even lot of suggestions and I'm sure nothing I say wouldn't be something you haven't heard a million times before. The coloring book may work, or any hobbies or things you enjoy doing that can be a distraction, but I know your mind is reeling where no distraction seems worth it. Try. If you fail, try again.

If nothing else, know that we "get it", we share your pain, and we'll help in any way we can. Yes, keep posting. Let this be your sounding board, the place you vent. Please take. Know that it doesn't last though it seems to never stop at times. We, I, am here for you.

[ruby.lestrange]

I,too, am sorry that you're hurting so badly, powertools.

Try to know that it does ebb after it flows. And you are helping - when I first started posting here again, you were so welcoming and friendly that it made my day brighter, and I am sure I am not the only one.

Many calming and positive thoughts your way.

[Cherry73]

I understand this pain, relentless and all consuming. I too live a life filled with pain. Not only mental pain but constant physical pain. I have not had a pain free day since 2002. Sometimes I have felt like I can't go on. I have wanted to give up quite a few times. One thing I have learned is to live one day at a time otherwise it's way to overwhelming. I say to myself I can do this just for today and sometimes throughout the day I say to myself, only four more hours to go. It makes it alot easier to deal with. When it starts to feel like to much try to distract yourself with something you enjoy to pass the time. It will get better it always does. Your whole life isn't a valley you will spend time on the mountain top. Savor that time. Soak in every moment and use that when your in the valley. I hope things turn for the better soon. Always remember you can reach out and lean on someone when you need to.

[Endeavy]

Hi Power ,
I know exactly how you feel I too have been thought all the skills and even help a few people but never myself ,like you said did we do something cruel in a previous life ? I often ask that question :-(
I feel like I am drowning all the time too many emotions all at once and times I accept them and try deal with them only to be back to where I was .
I really wish there was a magic pill to take to get rid of this torture and I know people say" there are worse off out there " but when your living with this pain that doesnt help I find life throws 1 bad situation at us when we are just getting over the previous but I need to be ok for my kids ,there my only reason for carrying on and thats even an effort .
I hope you I and everybody else get some break soon and not just for a day but for life ,I keep telling myself I cant feel any worse but I do every time (((((hugs))))))

[Scorpio Eyes]

Power, you were one of the first to reach out to me and try to help my terrible pain. It doesn't take a genius to see you're hurting like no one can imagine. I know that pain. We all do. You're strong, my friend, and you're here to help us, and to help yourself. I'm sorry I don't know how to help you, but know I'm here. You are never alone.