I have to admit it. Today was the best day I've probably had in a month or so. I was more or less at peace and the times when memories and emotions began to invade, I was able to cope without too much difficulty, and even though my thoughts still rarely leave my abandonment issues, I was able to think about it in a "wise mind" without the bad stuff creeping in too much.

Then why do I feel guilty? It's like my mind is trying to tell me "how dare you cope. It's not allowed. Get back to feeling miserable."
And, of course, if I think that way too long, I WILL slide right back.

Anyone else feel this way? Can anyone explain the reason why or give me ideas on how I can counter it? I WANT to have a good day now and then and feel as though I deserve it and don't sabotage it. Any thoughts?

[AngelWolf3]

I don't have any advice yet, but I can tell you I have gone through the same thing. Seeing it in words there, that helps me identify what I went through one day last week. It was so awesome to have that one day...and I understand the sabotaging thing too, it's not that it's done on purpose, it just happens. (I think, at least) I wish I had some insight...I will be lurking to see what others post...

[Altinak]

Yes! Im also terrified that if I feel so good people will assume Im better and I know it cant improve drastically in less than a week x

[Big Mama]

I'm mentally shaken when I feel good. I can't just accept it and be happy. I worry what is around the corner that is gonna make me have a melt down. If I spend to much time in a happy place will it make a dark place that much harder.

Why can't we just be happy we are happy.

It's good to know others feel this way. That helps a bit. Now we need to come up with ways to fight the feeling of guilt so we cam maybe have a few more decent days creep in now and then.

I tend to get that way. I might have a good day and enjoy it for awhile then I start bashing myself thinking what the h* do you think you're doing being happy? "You have all this crap going on, you have no right."

I always feel as if my 'happiness' isn't necessarily 'real'...that it's somehow contrived or due to some chemical reaction in my brain.

Also, I think we Borderliners have a way of inevitably trying to sabatoge our own happiness because we can only validate ourselves via our negative feelings. It would make sense why I am more comfortable feeling negative than positive...
So yes, the guilt would be natural if I'm uncomfortable.

Try, try... to enjoy it and stay in the moment...as best you can. Much love.

Originally Posted by stratocaster

I always feel as if my 'happiness' isn't necessarily 'real'...that it's somehow contrived or due to some chemical reaction in my brain.

This. I don't know that i think the chemical part but that I was brought up with "actors" for a family that taught me how to act, smile and pretend everything was ok or everyone would scold you for being negative. So I feel fake sometimes because I never know if my emotions are ever real. Growing up with invalidating comments such as "you shouldn't feel that way" or "you don't really feel that ..." I've learned to not believe my emotions are real.

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I was brought up with "actors" for a family that taught me how to act, smile and pretend everything was ok or everyone would scold you for being negative. So I feel fake sometimes because I never know if my emotions are ever real. Growing up with invalidating comments such as "you shouldn't feel that way" or "you don't really feel that ..." I've learned to not believe my emotions are real.

Oh...BINGO on that one for me too. Just wanted to say thanks for posting this.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

This. I don't know that i think the chemical part but that I was brought up with "actors" for a family that taught me how to act, smile and pretend everything was ok or everyone would scold you for being negative. So I feel fake sometimes because I never know if my emotions are ever real. Growing up with invalidating comments such as "you shouldn't feel that way" or "you don't really feel that ..." I've learned to not believe my emotions are real.

Yep...can definitely relate.

Originally Posted by Wolfin3

Oh...BINGO on that one for me too. Just wanted to say thanks for posting this.

You're very welcome. (I think. wait. Do I really think that? JK BAHAHAHA)

[BrokenNBeautiful]

a) It's unfamiliar.

b) I am "programmed" to feel bad. Also, because of bpd stigma, that same tape goes thru me: "how dare you cope!" and also, "why even try? You are going to fail!" and "bpd, always a bpd".

c) I was not shown how to give myself good feelings.

d) It doesn't feel natural.

did I miss anything? lol

oh, what someone else mentioned: I am *terrified* of being well because that *will* change how others relate to me.

Carol

Yeh, good one B "that *will* change how others relate to me."

People may expect us to be happy...
we then may not get the reassurance (whether positive or negative) we are used to (it appears as validation --hey, any is better than none right?)

When I was a kid and happy I got nothing, but when I was a kid and miserable I got yelled at: "smarten up", "knock it off", "what the hell is wrong with you?" Which was something (attention, negative reinforcement, etc.). This type of conditioning works with kids and animals, which tells me it's something developmental. No wonder we can only validate our negative feelings. When we feel good it's foreign to us. (I then go off on a tangent in my head: am I bipolar? am I manic? wait, no...I think I'm just...good? no, that couldn't be it).

^ Something else B mentioned works with this: "I was not shown how to give myself good feelings." And my good feelings when I had them were not received with positive reinforcement either. I can't reinforce them myself, I don't know how. It isn't part of my mental vocabulary...

I actually always feel that way. It's like when I feel good for once (which is so rare these days) I feel I can't allow myself to experience it. There's always a part of me that's self aware and knows that I'm just thinking too much and if I let myself go with the good healthy feelings I'll be alright but I can't. It's like too much of my central identity is staked on feeling bad that I can't even begin to question that. I feel like I know I'm a bad person, right, right, that I can't fathom I'm allowed to feel good, right, so if I do I better make damn sure to change that, right? But what if I'm wrong... then I don't even know who I am...

I doubt this helps much but I have trouble allowing myself to be myself and enjoy it... so you are not alone. I wish we could all just let ourselves; we would be much happier and believe me we deserve it- but if it were that easy we wouldn't be on this forum in the first place would we?

So... I've had a bad day and enough for my rant. The best thing you can do is let yourself feel good and if you can't do that then accept that fact. My heart goes out to you and I hope you feel validated and understood. (And good!)

[powertools321]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I have to admit it. Today was the best day I've probably had in a month or so. I was more or less at peace and the times when memories and emotions began to invade, I was able to cope without too much difficulty, and even though my thoughts still rarely leave my abandonment issues, I was able to think about it in a "wise mind" without the bad stuff creeping in too much.

Then why do I feel guilty? It's like my mind is trying to tell me "how dare you cope. It's not allowed. Get back to feeling miserable."
And, of course, if I think that way too long, I WILL slide right back.

Anyone else feel this way? Can anyone explain the reason why or give me ideas on how I can counter it? I WANT to have a good day now and then and feel as though I deserve it and don't sabotage it. Any thoughts?

I think it is probably do to us hating ourselves so much. If you hate yourself you don't deserve to feel good. How to counter it, I think Strat has the right idea with stay in the moment, and also realize that you are worth self love, yes even you, you heard me right. Take care and I hope many more good days for you, if not for any other reason than you owe it to us. Hah, hows that.

[i'm trying]

looks like we're all from the same spaceship on this thread - thanks for starting it Mara i'm a bit of a Treky fan myself, (can you tell )?

This thread is so important to us all , we sound as if we are all guilty of sabotage when we dare feel a "good day" is coming around the corner , we're just not comfortable with it, and dreading the down slide in the back of our brain (we know that's coming too!

What about trying "cheerleading" from DBT -would it be a good excercise to try to lift ourselves so that maybe , just maybe the guilt feeling will have an extra obstacle in its path ! I havn't got to that module yet so please feel free to post some, anyone ! What do you reckon Mara , what cheerleading statements work for you? My fav is :"You go Girl"

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I will try the cheerleading. thanks again.

Broken

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I did the cheerleading yesterday, grocery shopping.

I validated myself "I hate grocery shopping".

And I told myself, "I am going to beat this fear."

Carol

I hate shopping (of any kind) too.

[i'm trying]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I did the cheerleading yesterday, grocery shopping.

I validated myself "I hate grocery shopping".

And I told myself, "I am going to beat this fear."

Carol

That's a good start B and Good on you for having a go (so to speak), Well done mate

Now tell me " did you beat it with a stick ?/ or baseball bat? / and did you win? "even just a little bit"?

hope you can handle my "Aussie "sense of humor - i like to lighten the load when i can Cheers

[i'm trying]

G'day all - it's not that i hate shopping , it's the "i'm going to wet myself b4 i get to the checkout if they don't ***n hurry up" !! i don't really know if it's a phobia or if it's just anxiety related ? I can't read minds (DBT) but i'm bl**dy sure if i started cheerleading out loud to myself - singing 'i am beautiful and i belong on this earth' - or something like that ,that people would run away hey !! Now that just might get me to the front of the line would'nt you think!!

I'm just crazy enough to give that a go hey !

I know this is cheerleading ( but are we allowed to use it to try to get what we want )? I know it would make me feel good , but then would i feel guilty about feeling good about getting to the checkout first?? Am i confusing you all cos i am me

cheers dears

Hope you are all safe from the hurricane

[krisakira]

I'm not really in control over my moods. Some days are better than others. I try to enjoy it as much as I can. I think what helps me is that I am not around many people who know my illnesses so no one is really judging me. The only person significant in my life who knows is my boyfriend, and I'm sure he enjoys it when I have a good day. However, my T told me one day, that since I couldn't think of anything to talk about, that it was a good thing that nothing bad was going on to talk about. I did not like her saying that, because there are obviously a lot of things wrong, I just did not know what of it to talk about. I didn't feel like I needed to bring up anything specific at the time. Just because I do not talk about bad things does not mean they do not exist! Don't get me wrong, I would love it if nothing were seriously wrong. Actually I see my T tomorrow afternoon, and actually do have something to bring up with her, even though lately I haven't really known what to talk to her about. I guess I am just rambling now.