[SwayintheBreeze]

I started to see a psychologist a few months because of my crazy stressful workload/personal life.. everything seemed to be crashing together... I am different at work than I am at home (obviously) - like 2 different people. At work I am strong, secure, confident.. and at home I am a nightmare at times. Some people who are very close to me say "good morning" in that tenative voice to feel me out and see how good it really is .. It breaks my heart.

My husband and I are having issues and he is wanting some space to catch his breath and put things into perspective for him (OMG!) I went running back to the psychologist where he blessed me with the knowledge that I have BPD. Fear of abandoment - I may as well be the poster child.. I go into wild and bizarre behaviours. Calling someone 25 times in 10 min if they don't answer and I NEED to talk to them is nothing... because I *know* they're there .. they just don't want to talk to me ..

Wow..

Even now I am on the verge of tears with relief/anxiety/fear that there really are people out there who feel what I feel, do what I do, know what I am going through .. I am in awe.

I am tired of feeling like this.. saddened by people having to "walk on eggshells" around me (I've used that phrase alot before I saw the book)..

I am grateful for this site and for those who contribute to the postings.. It is amazing to know I am not as alone as I feel most days.

~Sway

[shezbut]

Hi Sway,

I can relate. Although my tendency is to withdraw from my bf, before he withdraws from me! I'm also pretty good at my job. I take it seriously & always try to do my best. Doing my best at home, with 2 kids (part-time, share custody w/ ex-hub), is a struggle for me.

Sometimes, I go for a couple of weeks of feeling mostly good. But, I am brought down fast and hard by simple things that I probably overreact to. Feelings are feeling though. Logical or not, I still have them! I feel that my feelings should be respected by others. Rather than laughed at about how I'm 5 steps ahead of what's currently happening.

Best wishes sent your way....

Nope, you're definitely not alone. I push people away and then beg them to come back. If they get the hint early enough, the abandonment thing isn't too bad, but if they actually stick around through that beginning period and convince me I can trust them (which takes forever), the fear of abandonment is great and the abandonment itself is completely overwhelming. My bf abandoned me 15 years ago and to this day I STILL try to contact her on occasion, and I am in the middle of going through it again. I've decided that until I can work out some of my issues, it's not worth trying to have friends. I just can't put someone through that again and go through the pain again. It's just too much. I'm glad you've found us. No.....you're not alone. May that give you a little comfort. That knowledge has helped me tremendously.

[psychobabe]

Yeah, I feel lonely because I feel like nobody understands what I'm going through and I don't have any friends anymore because I think they all hate me. I hate me.

[SwayintheBreeze]

I had a full on panic attack last night.. my husband wants to go away for the weekend to think about things (code to me for leaving) *sigh* It is sooo hard to be me somedays.

Shezbut - I am much the same.. I can have good weeks and the whamo! It's been brutal the past couple of weeks for me hence the reason I am at this point. And I get so mad at myself for being this way!! ARGH! Deep cleansing breaths only make me dizzy

Carmasia - I do that as well - the abandonment/contact thing.. It makes me feel worse about me when I do it but I can't help it! There was that book I saw "I hate you - don't leave me" that is totally me.. so frustrating!! I don't know how people put up with me somedays!

Psychobabe - ((((hug)))) I totally hear that and I am at times the same way.. At least now here I have found people who DO understand.. who get me.. who understand how I feel and what I think.. Its nice to be able to vent and let it out once in a while.