[asdfdoc]

hi guys,

I am certain I have bpd and I am 28 yo male. I've been dating this girl and she asked me to marry her. Like all other relationships, I was obsessed and super interested in the beginning but eventually became dull. I like everything about her. It's just that I cannot feel emotions well due to my BPD. I want to make this work but the feeling isn't just there. I have never felt love to my family, friends or girlfriends. For gf, maybe the obsession in the beginning is what I call love. I am hopeless in a way that I will never be able to find the one. I feel worthless (not suicidal) to my gf that I can never be better for her or I am not good enough for her. I want to give her an answer but it's difficult. I started seeing a psychiatrist for my adhd and bpd. I've tried adhd medications without success. I am a bit lost and this marriage thing is another big hurdle for me. Although I am happy that she asked me but I am so confused and lost. I was on wellbutrin at the moment she asked me and wellbutrin made me completely emotionless. I saw my gf crying and I didn't feel a thing. I am off wellbutrin for a couple of days trying to figure this out but it's going nowhere.

[Girl_Interrupted]

Just get engaged and stay like that until you're ready. You can still say yes to getting married, but do it when you're ready. Some people stay engaged for years, especially same sex couples, where many places are only just legalising same sex marriage, and these little old ladies and gentlemen are finally happy they can marry.

Just do it when you're ready.

[powertools321]

I would have to agree with Girl Interrupted. I understand you not being able to feel things completely, one time my wife was crying and I knew that I should feel bad but there was nothing. It was like someone had cut the connection to the feeling part of my brain for other people. The strange thing was that I did feel bad for not feeling bad, if that makes any sense. Take your time, if it was meant to be then it is meant to be. Marriage with someone with BPD can be tough for the non. My wife informed me about two months ago that she doesn't know if she can/wants to continue dealing with this. I don't say that to discourage you, just the more time you give it and the more sure you both can be the better.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by asdfdoc

hi guys,

I am certain I have bpd and I am 28 yo male. I've been dating this girl and she asked me to marry her. Like all other relationships, I was obsessed and super interested in the beginning but eventually became dull. I like everything about her. It's just that I cannot feel emotions well due to my BPD. I want to make this work but the feeling isn't just there. I have never felt love to my family, friends or girlfriends. For gf, maybe the obsession in the beginning is what I call love. I am hopeless in a way that I will never be able to find the one. I feel worthless (not suicidal) to my gf that I can never be better for her or I am not good enough for her. I want to give her an answer but it's difficult. I started seeing a psychiatrist for my adhd and bpd. I've tried adhd medications without success. I am a bit lost and this marriage thing is another big hurdle for me. Although I am happy that she asked me but I am so confused and lost. I was on wellbutrin at the moment she asked me and wellbutrin made me completely emotionless. I saw my gf crying and I didn't feel a thing. I am off wellbutrin for a couple of days trying to figure this out but it's going nowhere.

A few thoughts came to mind when I read your post:

1) May I ask how long you have been going out? A lot of people I've asked have said it takes at least a year to get to know somebody.

2) I disclosed some similar thoughts to my T a while back. Soon after I asked him if he thought I was ready for a serious relationship (I was feeling pretty lonely at the time). He's usually pretty wishy washy but on this question, it took him only about 2 seconds to answer "NO". And I wasn't talking about marriage! Two other people who know me well agreed with him. So I seriously doubt you are ready.

3) I like Girl's suggestion as it gives you some breathing space, but I think you should also work on communicating your feelings to your gf (even if it is a lack of feelings due to your BPD) and that you are actively trying to get better. I wouldn't overdramatize this or spend a lot of time on it, and I probably wouldn't mention 'BPD', just a few symptoms that are relevant to your relationship with her. Her reaction to a small dose of 'what lies beneath' will give you some insight into what she's made of (ie: caring and empathetic or takes off at the first sign of imperfection).

4) Are you in therapy? I think you would benefit from it as I've not heard of a drug yet that works for BPD (although some can alleviate some of the depressive or bipolar symptoms if you're lucky). Therapy certainly does help with communication skills in close relationships, at least for me it does.

[CinnamonCandy]

No need to rush into marriage! I rushed mine and we had a HARD road to go down because we didn't spend enough much time building our relationship before we got married. (although now we are totally in love and in therapy doing great! ) I also highly recommend premarital/couples counseling - does wonders for communication!