*boom boom crash* (trigger warning)

Hello, PC family.
I woke up this morning, feeling OK and still happy from last night's chat, and then something happened. I made the stupid mistake of going on facebook, which I have been trying to avoid lately, and a status update there triggered me in the worst way I can think of.

I can't go into the trigger right now, because every time I think about it, it makes what I'm here to talk about worse and worse, and I'm just trying to get through this. I'm sorry, because I know this would make more sense if I could explain more.

8 years ago, one of the people I was closest to in the world died of a drug overdose. Thanks to the flippant status update, all of the things I felt when I learned he had died came back: disbelief, denial, being unsure of what to do, say, think, am I even supposed to finish the food I'm eating, are you supposed to do that when someone you love so much has disappeared, why can't I just call him and tell him this, how do you keep living when they're not, not believing it for months until undeniable proof appeared, and then a downward spiral that happened really, really fast and left me less of a person afterward.

I feel like I am living that moment over and over again. In the last hour, I feel as though I've experienced his death again repeatedly. I don't know what to do. I've tried to use the few DBT skills I know (soothe, comfort (thanks, strat), opposite action). I've tried thinking about anything else, but I just can't. I feel so driven under by this that I don't know how to turn it around so I can even think. On top of that, I can't even confront the update person for being so careless, because I am pretty sure I should be feeling sympathy or concern for them, and I feel guilty, cold, and callous that I don't. All of my feelings are all wrong, and I don't know how to make them into what they're supposed to be. I don't know how to stop reliving that terrible moment of my life over again.

I came here for this because the only person I can talk to, SO, is angry as hell at the person who posted the update and thinks I should cut them out of my life because this isn't the first time their drama has seriously negatively affected me, but I feel bad about doing that, too.

In the time I've been on here, I feel as though I can trust you all with my emotions, as messed up as they can be. I hope you don't think less of me for being such a callous person.

Any advice on how to get this cycle of re-experience to stop and let me breathe today is so welcome, I have no words for it.

Hi, Ruby. I'm sorry you had a painful past experience brought back to you by a careless individual. I'm probably not the best person to talk about breaking cycles of re-experience; I'm great at reliving past emotions, not so good at getting them to stop. But I did want to mention something that I find admirable in your post. Even in your anger, you're able to recognize that this person might be deserving of some concern, even though you're "should"-ing yourself about it, and you feel bad at the possibility of cutting him/her out of your life. Doesn't sound callous to me. You need to do what you have to do to protect yourself-- that's not callous. And as contradictory as it may sound, being able to have some level of concern for this person lessens his/her power over you and makes you stronger, and it's a big step beyond black/white thinking. I have a lot of respect for that.

Wishing you healing.

ruby:
I'm so sorry this happened to you. We often live our traumatic events repeatedly. I read somewhere, because I'm so convinced that this disorder resulted from repeated lack of validation, that our negative feelings are the only way we know how to validate ourselves. This would make sense that we feel comfortable in revisiting painful experiences...we are constantly seeking validation for ourselves.
Not only that but the cycle of grief has reset for you: let it run its course. One thing that I know about myself is that I often fear feelings -- thus i'm not only experiencing the pain of the feeling but the secondary emotion of fear.

DBT (which I certainly have not mastered by any means and am still very new to it) suggests to 'radically accept' our feelings. Let them come, this diminishes the fear of them. Do the distress tolerance skills: distract, relax ,cope, but don't push the feeling away. Often when we build walls to block feelings we end up holding them in even moreso as well as heightening our fear of them. Ride the wave of your feelings, don't focus on them, but don't resist them. This is easier said than done, but I find meditation helps a lot.
Talking about it helps, as you're already doing.

Also, if you can't get into the mindset of meditating try a guided meditation here (at least this is what I use):
www.audiodharma.com
I also stream new age/ meditation music from itunes or windows media player to help me relax and get into the 'mood'.

I also suggest to deactivate your facebook for awhile, at least until you are confident that you can handle whatever it throws at you (I'm sure you will find that many around have had negative facebook experiences).

Sometimes I relive certain traumas, I am swept away with the emotion. My natural reaction is to get tangled up in it, resist it, amplify it, milk it, grasp onto it etc. Well, let me say that healing is ALIEN to us. If my natural reaction is opposed to healing, I have to do things very unnatural to promote healing (which can at first feel very uncomfortable --they still do feel very foreign).

Anyway, this is all I can offer right now from my own journey and experience (which is the only thing I can ever really offer).
But I definitely have my distraction and self-soothing lists in my pocket at all times! (10 items on each). Make some homework for yourself to write out two lists today and do one item on each.
If you need suggestions let us know

www.dbtselfhelp.com

Longleaf: Thank you for being so thoughtful. I guess I hadn't realized that awareness of that was a step in the positive, I was just focusing on the negativity of *not* feeling it. Your words helped. I am less angry with them for being so flippant (and, I suspect, dishonest for attention-seeking reasons, which does make me feel bad for them, so that's something, I suppose) about something so serious, and I feel like I've gotten a handle on that aspect of the situation much more.

Strat: Thank you. You have a very good point about invalidation and reaction to these emotional experiences. I unintentionally went with it, as there wasn't much else I could do, and I feel a bit calmer now; let it run it's course, as you said. I also dealt with the re-experience first, then the emotions about the facebook situation, rather than trying to work it all out at once, which is overwhelming and seems to make things much harder. I will try the guided meditation you suggested, because I would very much like to be able to meditate, I'm just never sure how.

Thank you both so much for your input, it is very much appreciated.

p.s. Making my lists now, Strat

I don't have any suggestions on how to get over what you're currently experiencing, but I would personally close down Facebook. It's not meant for people who are triggered by memories. I promised my daughters, when I moved away, that I would complete my page. I have a Facebook account but have never done anything with it. One friend: my oldest daughter. Based on her, they gave me all of these people they suggested I be "friends" with, and seeing the faces, some of which I hadn't seen in years was enough. No Facebook for me.....

facebook is something else!

sorry to hear this.

Carol