Confusion is my middle name

I am new to all of this. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and this is the first time in my life that I am mustering up the courage to face it head on and do something about it. I am 46 years old and my life had always been in shambles, but now that my children are grown and don't want much to do with me, I have no choice but to fix it. They are my whole world and it kills me to live my life without them. They have no idea what I suffer with...I could never begin to describe what goes on inside of me to them so they could understand.

I found a little blip on the back of the book: The Angry Heart, by Santoro and Cohen that I can really relate to.

"We are chaotic, aggressive, manipulative, and angry at the world. But look inside the soul of a borderline (if you can get there) and you'll find something very different. Fear. Desperation. Abandonment. Incredible sensitivity."

I never realized that those around me saw me as chaotic, aggressive, manipulative, and angry person in me. I have been told that I am either too intense or aloof, that I see in black and white, and that it is all or none with me....but, wow! I didn't know I was that bad....and I am...I really am. This is heartbreaking.

I always feel desperate and fear abandonment, so I suffocate others until they run away scared. I always feel inferior to others to the point that I have severe anxiety because I know there is nothing I can do or say to please them or be accepted by them. I am super paranoid that others intentionally try to hurt me. It is good that I know this...but no matter how much I try to convince myself that these things are not "normal", I still cannot change my behaviors/emotional reactions.

I am sick of the doom and gloom of life. I want to be a person who is not easily offended, who can find joy in the midst hardship, and I want to be a person who can see reality for what it is and to be able to love others and to show it in a way that others can make sense of it. And I WANT TO BE ABLE TO RECEIVE LOVE too.

I am so confused and so lost and so frustrated. I need someone who knows what I am going through to share these things with...someone who I can open up to and who will open up to me, someone who will be completely honest with me and with whom I can be completely honest with as well. Do true friendships exist? Or am I confused about that too?

Hi, Cat. I think you're at the absolute right place to talk about things; here at PC, people are very supportive and understanding.

And I wanted to say, about what you quoted: Maybe others see us as chaotic, I suppose they might. Borderlines do have that "incredible sensitivity", but that can translate into a lot of really positive qualities as well. I think it probably just takes time and work (I'm trying to get there myself).

Being willing to face it head on and do something about it is a good thing, even if it seems scary. I wish you the best, and I hope you find the support that you're looking for here!

Welcome to PC, I hope you are able to find some answers here, or at least some tips! Thank you for sharing...

Thank you Ruby lestrange I just hope I don't get frustrated and want to quit again....like usual. I really need to beat this. I am getting older and all I can see is myself dying here on my couch and a month later they find me because I haven't paid my rent.

I felt the same way after being diagnosed and after reading articles about bpd. Esp the articles about how others see us. Ouch.

I too feel that desperation. After I got told these other things about being "manipulative"... I just crumbled. Even MORE desperate for feeling "okay" with others. I felt absolute despair.

In this feeling of despair though, I have also realized, that other mental illnesses have been stigmatized, as well. And then understood later on. I remember when schizophrenia and bipolar were just as misunderstood.

I pray that bpd will be understood better. We are not *just* these things. Just desperation, just manipulative. We are also trying to find our way.

I am glad you found this forum. It has given me hope. Being here and talking about it and *not feeling alone anymore*.

Carol, fellow person with bpd.

Hi, Cat. Like you and Carol, I saw myself in a lot of the descriptions of BPD behavior, and hated seeing myself there. Where I didn't see myself was in the descriptions of cold, calculated scheming, and that cruel word, "manipulative." This forum belies that stereotype; here are some of the kindest, most giving people I've ever encountered. Glad you're here, too.

You know...you are so right! There are so many kind and compassionate people in this forum. I have not encountered that in the outside world. Maybe we are the healthy ones...just not a part of the norm....so, the label is placed on us because we are the minority. Definately food for thought! Thank you for your reply!

Thank you, Carol. I see myself as more panic-stricken than manipulative. I think my fears come from believing that it is way too easy and way too common for people to just simply dismiss others when they don't measure up to their expectations. I see myself as kind of a "plain jane" so I don't feel that I really have anything worthwhile to offer. I freak out when I sense I am about to be dumped once again. But it is only because I care too much. I have a warm heart. I guess life would be easier and I would be considered normal if I was cold and just didn't care like a lot of people I know.

It would be nice to have someone who loves us and we wouldn't push away.
I'm not sure if any one could love me. We do need to accept our diagnosis, and try and not to make the same mistakes over again.

I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your kids. I'm sure they love you no matter what. It's not easy for children to deal with or understand.

Hugs