letdown by my uncle's visit

I may have had expectations that I should not have had.

My uncle was supposed to sit down with Bruce and me last Monday when he came down to see us and all we did was just fart around at dinner and goof off.

He said he was too busy to "book us in" to talk before he went back up to Seattle.

I reminded him, in the car, on our way back home, as he was just going to drop us off and not visit (too busy, too tired he said) And I was hoping he would visit us for at least a little while and discuss our crisis.

For, I had asked him by email, (a month ago) to talk to Bruce and me about our living situation and even my concerns about who was going to help me when Bruce was no longer around. (I am disabled and need him to help me with some things)

In reply to the email, he had promised me that he would "discuss things during his visit".

So I waited til he came Monday, but we never "discussed things". All we did, like I said, was just have dinner and make small talk.

When I reminded him, on our way home, he was evasive; "Oh, we'll be in touch. I'll make some calls." I guess his idea of "discussing things" is not like mine.

I had been hoping he would sit down and talk to us at home and was disappointed when he just dropped us off. I understood about him being tired, but had to at least say to him, keeping my voice level, "I really needed to discuss our crisis, Uncle _________ because in a few more months we'll be on the street if we don't have a plan. I thought we were going to talk about it now. I am sorry you are too tired and that I had to put you out." I felt really awkward, but knew that I had to see if he would keep his promise to help us deal with our crisis.

He did the same thing last spring. Promised a heart to heart and a plan and all he did was discuss our "budget". Then left us.

He left me hanging again. Monday.

Bruce told me that when he died, my uncle would help me; he'd "drive down here and take you to Seattle, Carol..."

I asked him if he ever heard my uncle say that; did he ever ask my uncle that. He said, "I didn't ask him." I told him, "if this is true, I need to know from him. Please don't dream up something and then die and me have to see if he will come thru on a dream of yours, Bruce. How do you know he will come down, drop everything just for me? He's so busy!"

The point: I still need to figure out things on my own; Bruce is going to croak and I will be alone! My uncle will not even talk to us about what's going on; he evades it.

My uncle is too gd busy to even "discuss things".

So was my aunt, before she died, and i ended up being turned over to her friend, who hates me. Who doesn't want to have anything to do with me; my aunt had left her money to take care of me and she won't. Last year, I'd had to drag it out of her to pay my dental bills---thousands of dollars. And she told us that it was all gone; I'd used it all up.

I really wish ppl were more reliable and approachable.

I told him (my uncle) over and over again about our situation, he had told us we would talk about it and he never did. It's not like I nagged him, but from time to time did tell him h ow scared I was of being on the street. Maybe once in a while and when he would call us. I would tell him, too, "I am sorry to put this on you, but Bruce is so sick and depressed all the time, neither one of us has any friends and I am afraid every day I am going to wake up and find a dead body in the living room."

He's supportive but says, "We'll discuss it at our next visit." And no discussion.

Although we always have fun visits and he's always supportive and warm, he always says "we will discuss things" and then doesn't.

I think he set a boundary with me Monday by dropping me off, and, again saying, "Later..." (we'll be in touch) He set a boundary in half way manner. I understand now. The answer is no. And Bruce has this grandiose idea that he will come thru when I am pretty sure he won't.

I did want that talk.

If he can't even follow thru with a family crisis meeting, I can't believe he'll follow thru with an "emergency plan" that Bruce *fantasized* about or dreamed up, about him coming down to pick me up!

I undestand if someone does not want to help or even address a situation, but I really dislike it when they are evasive or elusive about it!

My relationship with him is much better than it used to be, but I have to accept it now as it is. I am not going to ruin what we have now by continueing to nag him.

He won't help. But he won't even tell me.

I have to accept that too and just stop b***hing to him about it.

But I am disappointed in him.

Carol

no lonely posts allowed.

lol

lol

"hang in there, Carol"

Sorry you've been let down again. How disappointing for you

Carol,

Could you ask your uncle directly, via email, the questions you have and the needs you feel you will have some day that you might need help with? Maybe you already have been very specific, I don't know.
It sounds to me that your uncle might not know what to say right now.
If he knows specifically what ways you would like him to help, then he could respond and say what he is able and willing to do, when the need is there.

Are there other ways you could prepare for being alone, something we all have to prepare for and adjust to. That might be a different living arrangement, or more reliance on community programs and help.

It sounds very disappointing and stressful for you right now. I don't think your uncle meant to let you down, but it does sound like he's being evasive for what could be many reasons. Perhaps it would be best to clear the air by phone or email?

B,

It's very hard when someone is evasive and vague about their intentions. I can see how this would be frustrating and stressful for you. Also, when a clear boundary has been set up and we're the last person to know?

I would agree that your uncle should have been more forthcoming. I also see why you're confused and bothered by it.

I agree with Echoes to write a letter stating what your needs are directly, but also to keep in mind that this may not be the person to give you what you need. Do you have a backup plan, are there other resources you can draw on?
We will certainly support you here during changes in your life; I know change is very hard for us...

I also suggest to practice some relaxation, self-soothing to keep you grounded during this time...If I relax enough and let faith in , things usually work out. (This sounds idealistic I know, but it really works...acceptance is so hard, but so important for us).
Sending positive thoughts your way B. Let us know how it goes and how you're making out.

I think I have been pretty direct. I asked him what he could do.

And I don't know why my roommate will not call him or email him and ask if my uncle could come thru for me when he is gone. I asked Bruce (roomate) again the other night, "How do you know Uncle __________ will help me out?" Bruce said, "I just know." I told him, "I need you to ask him."

I am afraid to ask him myself. I feel like it's not appropriate. But I think Bruce should ask him since he's the one who is so convinced that Uncle ____ will.

But Bruce evades it too.

I agree thta I need to make some plan, either call or email some ppl to see what's out there.

Bruce and Uncle _________ obviously will not help, if they will not even talk to me about it or to each other. My theory.

I did ask Uncle many times what he could do.

His answers were, "Well discuss it." And it never happens. The closest he came back in June was helping us with our budgets.

I will not expect any more, incl. answers from him from now on.

I will accept him only as a 2x year friend.

Carol

A letter will not help. Self soothing definitely will.

I can talk to you guys more than to him.

I feel like he's round aboutly telling me not to bother him anymore.

I can't keep begging for what isn't there. I just wish again he'd been more honest with me about it. I don't even feel I can tell him that. Our relationship is superficial, I have realized.

Carol