I could have grabbed a thread from several days ago and pulled it back to the front, but I figured I'd just start my own.

Since we moved, things have been tight money-wise and things haven't often gone the way we expected. My husband hasn't gotten a job yet and I'm working 8-12 hours a day sitting at the computer to keep us afloat. In order to survive Christmas, I cashed in part of my retirement money. It is somewhat my husband's fault...he hasn't actively looked for a job the way I wish he would, but I have never openly blamed him. When I mention filling out applications, he gets defensive and thinks I'm nagging so I've done my best to keep my mouth shut.

Well, this morning, I don't know what triggered it, I wish I did, but he was extremely self depricating. It's HIS fault he quit his good job in Florida, HIS fault we moved so far from home, HIS fault we're in a financial mess right now, HIS fault that he buys Starbucks when he could make coffee at home, etc. But the tone of his voice and the look he gives me...makes me feel the opposite. It's all my fault. I could have done something differently. I caused it. He's yelling at me for something I can't help, etc. I know I'm misinterpreting it...I have to be, but I can't shake it and it hurts. Whenever I open my mouth, he claims I'm yelling at him. When I tell him he's making me feel guilty, he shakes his head. In disgust, anger, pity? I don't know. And he's all I really have here. I left my daughters and my prior life 2,600 miles behind me!
We've been married a long time. I know this will pass...but God I feel horrible, useless, condescending, a nag....you name it....

[Endeavy]

Maranara I totally understand your frustration again mine is so similiar only neither of us work but I just want you to know you are NOT useless ,condescending a nag or anything else you are a caring sweet lady with a horrible disease that make our emotions very hard to regulate ,Sending you hugs and just know what your feeling is valid and I hope it passes soon and things get better for you sweetie XXX

[Insignificant other]

You are doing the best you can with what you have .. can't expect more than that! Don't give up on yourself .. your doing a great job!
Men are not wired the same as we are and are oblivious to our sensitive needs when we are so stressed as you are right now.
They, ( testicles) seem to all have this ( It's all about me) syndrom going on ..
No matter where I look here on PC seems like thats what I've noticed anyway.
Its not fair .. is it?

Hang onto that thought and take it to heart that it will pass. You know how you misinterpret and respond to things sometimes incorrectly or inappropriately to certain triggers? Well it seems to me he probably has a mix of his own behaviors and some of which are being triggered right now for many reasons probably none of which are from you nor are your fault. You know he must realize that his leaving the other job, moving you and everything has been his doing. He has to see what you see otherwise he's very blind and I don't know how you would have stuck around someone that way so, I'm pretty sure that's not the case. Anyway my point is, this is his response to things he may not be telling you as some of men don't always express everything like we should. We can act out rather than let it out, talk to our SOs and get it out in the open. He probably does feel bad about things that he's brought about and his negativity is very likely about that, not you. Believe me, if you've been together as long as you have been, he's stuck with you all this time, well underneath all the negativity he sees the good things you're doing and that will all come out when this does pass. He just has a hard time right now with those things he's dealing with. I'm NOT in anyway excusing him, when he's rude or if he's ever mean to you that's not right but I'm just trying to point your focus on something other than that he thinks or feels it's all your fault. I'm sure he doesn't.

Hope this helps!
*hugs*

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Hang onto that thought and take it to heart that it will pass. You know how you misinterpret and respond to things sometimes incorrectly or inappropriately to certain triggers? Well it seems to me he probably has a mix of his own behaviors and some of which are being triggered right now for many reasons probably none of which are from you nor are your fault. You know he must realize that his leaving the other job, moving you and everything has been his doing. He has to see what you see otherwise he's very blind and I don't know how you would have stuck around someone that way so, I'm pretty sure that's not the case. Anyway my point is, this is his response to things he may not be telling you as some of men don't always express everything like we should. We can act out rather than let it out, talk to our SOs and get it out in the open. He probably does feel bad about things that he's brought about and his negativity is very likely about that, not you. Believe me, if you've been together as long as you have been, he's stuck with you all this time, well underneath all the negativity he sees the good things you're doing and that will all come out when this does pass. He just has a hard time right now with those things he's dealing with. I'm NOT in anyway excusing him, when he's rude or if he's ever mean to you that's not right but I'm just trying to point your focus on something other than that he thinks or feels it's all your fault. I'm sure he doesn't.

Hope this helps!
*hugs*

He hasn't directly blamed me at all...for anything. But the WAY he blames himself....the look he gives, the tone of voice, etc., makes me feel guilty, and it always has. It probably stretches back to my mom....she rarely directly blamed me but I felt guilty all the same. "When she moves out, I can finally get away too and be happy."....she never did and she's still not happy.. I'll be alright. Always am....

Thanks....

[BrokenNBeautiful]

There are indirect ways to make someone feel guilty.

My aunt did that; she continually implied about how she did not plan on having a child (she raised me---why did she then?!) and she was always angry at my mother for having me. She never had to say a word.

I know it hurts. When ppl act out or we are so wired to feel guilty about everything and everyone around us.

Carol