I Hate this disorder

I know we all do but I am finding it so hard right now.

Do any of you struggle with feeling abandoned?

Abandonment and rejection are the worst and I feel them most of the time. No matter what I do they are there. I've said this before on a number of different threads, but I guess one more time won't hurt. If the feeling of abandonment didn't exist, I really don't believe I'd have BPD. They make everything else manifest. Due to the feeling of abandonment, I've hit all nine traits at one time or another. Hang on Tinkerbell...you're not alone.

I can be around others for whatever reason and as soon as I am back home or they have left I feel so much fear about when I will be around people again.

I broke my ankle in June 2011 and was literally walked out on. Stuck on the couch not knowing how I was going to get to the doctor or get food. Scariest time I have ever gone through.

I was forced to accept that there were people there for me; they just were not the people I wanted or expected. I am still learning that lesson.

I want people here physically here, too. Call, emails, FB, or even here do not fulfill my needs.

Yes, and it s*cks.

I empathize with you now.

Carol

I am like this most days, It is like I hate being with people and I like being with them too if that makes sense? If someone visits me I can't wait for them to go.

My T, I feel rather angry with I have 2 sessions left her and I feel like she is abandoning me especially after I shared so much with her.

I don't struggle with it, I expect it. I feel nothing when it happens.

Yeah, by God. I know that he is not like that and I know His Word says He will never leave nor forsake us... but then WHY? HOW?

Probably not what you meant though, but i is where I am right now.

Not much I dont hate right now. Maybe I just need to shut up and not spread my cheery disposition.

This intense fear of abandonment haunts me every day ~ yet, it's peculiar as 99% of the time, I'm the one pulling away and leaving them. I just can't handle the thought of them leaving me! I'm down to just a couple of relationships, the rest is piles of rubble behind me. I'm so frustrating, I know!

That's often the way it works out here too. I believe that's why I was able to go about ten years or so with a lot less problems. I pushed away, very hard, before a relationship had the chance to really start. Kept myself from all the relationship/abandonment problems that would have occurred if it had continued. Pretty sad, I know.

Please hit me if this question is out of line. I'm new to this disorder becoming a reality in my life, but am hating it more everyday. In all of your years of experience, has anyone found anything positive or beneficial among the many frustrating aspects of this "sore that just wont heal"?

I have not gab. sorry.

I fear abandonment at the slightest of hints that someone might leave. Indeed even if it's just for the day it conjures them up.

yes. Because of the heightened emotionality, it can result in fiercely passionate obsessions that aren't always bad. Such as my art. I have been crazy passionate about creating art for my whole life and because of the emotional dysregulation at times it really has enhanced my abilty to express myself on paper.

I can agree with that. Look at the amount of BPDs or suspected BPDs who are artists, writers, or are creative in one way or another, and the majority of the people on this forum are creative in these ways as well. Also, it is proven that most BPDs are above average intelligence. How could we think so much and have such vivid flashbacks (alibeit neither are very healthy for us) otherwise?

Hi T....Actually, i'm devastated by fear of abandonement...just lost 3 kg in 4 days...(vomiting and no eating at all) ...how i understand you....what should we do?
Dona from Italy

I can relate to you on this. There have been a number of guys that I left because I knew in my heart and mind that they would leave me. Or I would cause problems that weren't there so I could make it his fault for the brake up.

"Feelings aren't facts" ... knowing this has helped to keep me from acting out.

I'm wondering the same thing.....
I'm recently diagnosed, and holy cr@p, explains sooooo much!!
We've been separated 3 times, currently now but I'm asking to come back.
I am angry that I have wasted SO MANY years being mental!!!
IF I would have known, I would have addressed it somehow, right?!?
Speaking of which, how do I fix myself!??!!? lmao
Some days I swear I'm going crazy!!! I might have just lost my job for having anxiety, giving some bs excuse and running out.
How much do I tell my employers? Should they have to put up with me and my bs???
soooo much bs

and I just don't stop, and I'm miserable....
thanks for reading
Joanne

I know this I was just trying to express how strong the emotion was. But thank you for your words.

For me, I honestly don't think there are strong enough words to express this painful realization of having wasted so much of a lifetime with this insanity of mine. What you have described of your situation, is almost down to the letter my own history. There are people at this sight who are willing to share their hope with you. Don't give up.

Makes sense that "feelings aren't facts".
It's just that there are times when the feelings turn out to be right.
And the not-so-good stuff could have been avoided had I heeded them.