[fletch33]

I am constantly testing my fiance to make sure he loves me. I will purposefully fight with him and make him angry and then tell him to leave. So many times I have started these arguments out of sheer boredom. Sometimes I will start the arguments because I really want to make sure that he wants to stay. He told me recently, which he has not said before, that if I keep this up he will leave. I do not want him to leave. I do not want this to be over. Why am I single-handedly sabotaging this relationship? I do this with every damn relationship I have had. I am sick of this crap. I am sick of ruining everything. I swear one day I will come home and he will be gone. Why do I do this? How can I stop it? Can't I just be happy with what I have??

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I actually lost my husband of 2 years (2009-2011) because of this. I don't want to frighten you.

He hated how I kept playing little games and pushing him away and clinging to him by turns. It was really hard on him.

And on me, too.

BPD.

I felt so lost, so trapped by this condition with no way out and nothing really learned, yet, to deal with it.

I was so insecure. I had no self at all. I got married September of 2009 and I really had no me. Just a shell and then my husband was out there. I knew he loved me; he must; he kept telling me, but I did not feel it. I did not think there was anything in me for him to love. Why not? Cause there was no me. I did not feel something because it did not exist. "I love you, Carol," he kept saying. It felt like he was touching a void where I should have been. No wonder I could not feel it.

This continued (because I still did not learn who I was yet) until we broke up September of 2011.

I was developing a me finally, but not quite.

I am still working on it.

I hope I can be okay with me so that someone can come in, finally.

How do you feel?

Do you feel like there is no you? Just an emptiness and then there is your man on the outside?

You may disregard this if it does not help.

This is just what I experienced.

I don't see my divorce as punishment; only another sad symptom.

I hope your man does not leave. I hope you can believe him. I know it's hard to sit still with this.

I never learned to just sit still and let someone feel something for me. or even be.

Carol

[fletch33]

Carol,

I feel exactly the way you feel. I am terrified that he will leave me because of this disorder. I keep trying to make him understand how truly awful I feel all of the time. He is depressed and in therapy because of me. That is what I feel. He was fine before he met me. I feel like I do this to everyone... ruin their lives. I can't help but wonder how anyone with this disorder can truly have a good relationship. I feel like a waste of space. I wonder daily why anyone would ever deal with me, much less love me. I just want to feel worth something. I want to know who I am.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by fletch33

Carol,

I feel exactly the way you feel. I am terrified that he will leave me because of this disorder. I keep trying to make him understand how truly awful I feel all of the time. He is depressed and in therapy because of me. That is what I feel. He was fine before he met me. I feel like I do this to everyone... ruin their lives. I can't help but wonder how anyone with this disorder can truly have a good relationship. I feel like a waste of space. I wonder daily why anyone would ever deal with me, much less love me. I just want to feel worth something. I want to know who I am.

I knoooowwww.

That is one h of a way to feel, I know; like you are someone who really hurt someone so much.

Rachel Reiland, the author of Get Me Out of Here, was still married after she completed therapy for bpd. it was very hard on her and on her husband and her kids. She did beat it.

Everyone is forgivable.

BPD is not all you are and you do deserve a relationship. You deserve peace and healing.

Carol

[NYCDoglvr]

Do you have a therapist, someone to call when you want to do this? If not, I hope you get one, especially if you want any relationships. This is one mental disorder that can be successfully treated as long as you're willing to do the hard work in therapy.

[fletch33]

Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr

Do you have a therapist, someone to call when you want to do this? If not, I hope you get one, especially if you want any relationships. This is one mental disorder that can be successfully treated as long as you're willing to do the hard work in therapy.

I have a therapist. I see her weekly. I actually am going today and am going to try to address this problem before it goes any further.