[BrokenNBeautiful]

I'm so busy reading all your threads that I forgot to check in myself . lol

I did not go to my meeting today. I did go yesterday, though and this guy who led shared for 20 minutes and I got mad at him. I didn't act on my feelings, but what went thru my head was terrible: "He shares for 20 minutes, there are 6 ppl in here, we are having a hard time too and he's just going on and on with his gd drunklog!"

I felt guilty about my thoughts. Halfway thru the meeting, I had to take a time out and call Ani. He told me to stay after the meeting and talk to someone and I did.

I told her how I felt. I did not act angry or mean, but I told her, "When someone shares that long, I feel like we are being cheated out of a meeting. There were only 6 of us here and we all could have had a chance to share."

But that old guilt; "Don't talk about your problems" was in me.

I do plan to continue going to it next week. Not running, sitting in my feelings and consequences.

I was even planning on going today.

Then today, I got a bill from the lab on my blood work they did last week and I have Medicare and Medicaid combination, which meant I did not have to pay for it.

The lady I talked to on the phone said I had no insurance. She sounded like I was goofing off on Medicare, too, if my Medicare was not on her system and that also freaked me out.

I panicked so badly that I almost passed out. I was scared even to tell her my MC number for fear of her saying, "Sorry, nothing here." and her attitude, her cold-hearted, "insurance/billing person" personality. so unfeeling.

I am very frustrated with my continueing symptoms. Got madder at myself than at her.

I called their patient hotline and told them that since this dr's office was treating me for anxiety that it felt contraindictive for them to send me a bill and then not even bill Medicare or have my info correct when *the first q they ask me when I make an appt is "what insurance do you have?"*!

I felt exhausted and evil for the rest of the day.

I hate bpd, I hate anxiety, I hate mental illness.

I don't have a solution to sh are tonight. Except I am stubbornly living and not giving up. I know this will pass; a lot of stuff has before.

Carol

You've come a long way Carol. You have a lot to be proud of. Setbacks will happen and you're having one. Don't get too frustrated, don't get too upset. Realize it's part of life...two steps forward, one step back, and keep plodding forward. You'll make it.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks. I had trouble finding my thread; got scared it got deleted.

I hope I am not turning anyone off here.

I have not been feeling too good.

I could use more support, please.

Just at least a thanks or hug.

I am scared again that no one wants to hear me. I am not perfect but I try really hard to give support.

Please? My signature instructs you on what to do if you don't know what to say. And I feel like an ***** when I feel like i have to ask. Why can't it be more natural to reach out to someone in pain? (sorry about the anger; just don't feel too good)

thanks again Mara.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks for the hugs.

I still don't know why I got hardly any replies.

I feel bad.

Guess no one can relate.

I feel like deleting this post. But I can't and even if I could, I wouldn't. New behavior; I can't keep deleting posts just cause I think ppl don't like them or can't relate.

I really feel insecure though.

Should I start another thread or just shut up? lol

Carol

[bpd2]

You wrote: I still don't know why I got hardly any replies.

I feel bad.

Guess no one can relate.

I feel like deleting this post. But I can't and even if I could, I wouldn't. New behavior; I can't keep deleting posts just cause I think ppl don't like them or can't relate.

Nope, don't delete the post. It takes me awhile sometimes, but I'm around, reading in our forum when I can, empathizing all the while.

I, too, get angry when others take up a huge amount of group time. What did your leader say when you talked with her? Mine would say things like, "sometimes you talk a long time, too" and I say "but sometimes I don't talk at all!" "People have different needs at different times, don't they?"--and it wouldn't really be a question she was asking me at all, of course. I hope you got a good reply when you talked with her. DBT is rough. The group experience was really important for me. I have trouble when things don't go the way I want in terms of pace, tone, length of talk time, and so on. But that turns out to be part of what I need: forced acceptance of others' (irritating) behavior.

[LaneyT87]

You handled this situation much better than I would have. When I face high amounts of stress I shut down, check out, how ever you want to say it. Unless I'm forced to deal with it then I lash out in rage either verbally or in bad situations violence. So good job keeping your head and taking a step forward.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by bpd2

You wrote: I still don't know why I got hardly any replies.

I feel bad.

Guess no one can relate.

I feel like deleting this post. But I can't and even if I could, I wouldn't. New behavior; I can't keep deleting posts just cause I think ppl don't like them or can't relate.

Nope, don't delete the post. It takes me awhile sometimes, but I'm around, reading in our forum when I can, empathizing all the while.

I, too, get angry when others take up a huge amount of group time. What did your leader say when you talked with her?

Thanks. She said that this person deserved more time to share cause he was "20 years sober".

I said, great; that's really great; I was genuinely pleased. And I told her, too, "Some of us are only 20 days and need to share. Some of us are 20 years and don't get to share." My point was: just because someone has "more time" or "less time" in program or recovery does not mean they deserve to share more or less.

I also pointed out that this was a "discussion meeting" not a speaker meeting; he was not supposed to share a long share. I had just presented someone with a token last week and they only took up a few minutes to share how they did it.

I suggested a "timer", too so that ppl could be mindful of time; maybe they weren't; this meeting was also just getting started again.

I told her, hey don't worry; these are just suggestions.

thanks again,

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by LaneyT87

You handled this situation much better than I would have. When I face high amounts of stress I shut down, check out, how ever you want to say it. Unless I'm forced to deal with it then I lash out in rage either verbally or in bad situations violence. So good job keeping your head and taking a step forward.

thanks.

I used to do that, too and I just wanted to stop doing it so badly.

G*d I hate bpd!

And I could do it again in a heartbeat.

Carol