[harbaughjb]

I have recently been diagnosed with somatoform disorder and BPD. I'm a mild to moderate case, so I'm not abusive or anything like that to my children. I don't do drugs, drink alcohol, drive recklessly, or spend a fortune (though I often enjoy take-out and buying people stuff).

I was raised in a good home. My parents were good, and I didn't seem to care about the worries of life. However, everything changed as soon as I hit my teens. My brother got a ton of attention, since he had Tourette's and was constantly yelling, screaming, and hitting things. So, I basically kept everything to myself. So often, when I would try to explain things, they would either not listen because of something else, or they would tell me that it was just hormones and it would go away. Sadly, it did not. I had many impulses in the past, including wanting to have random sex, drink, do drugs, and other such things. However, I had enough self control that I could keep myself FROM doing those things. I did, however, spend money a little recklessly and binge eat, but it wasn't a big deal when I was living with my family.

I got married to a wonderful man when I was 20 years old. He's the most wonderful, understanding guy ever, and I love him to bits. We had a child in 2011, and my son is officially 15 months old.

When it comes to taking care of my son, I can't do it. I have a hard time listening to him whining. It's not that it annoys me and I just don't want to do anything...it's that the whining actually has a 'nails on chalkboard' effect on me. I get so agitated and stressed that it takes everything I have to not scream or yell. I don't want my son to get scared of me. He loves cuddling with me when he's tired or hurt or just whenever. He loves it when I come to play with him. I always LOVE him, but sometimes, it's hard to be around him. So, my husband stays home, and I'm the one who works (at least part time, right now).

I did lose my job, for reasons I still can't believe (days missed, even though I'd been given permission to take them off, so human rights is helping me with that case). Ever since then, I feel like I've gotten worse. I was doing better getting out and such, having a normal routine that I could count on, but since then, I just...I feel so much anger and hatred to certain things.

Most of my anger goes towards my parents. I love them dearly, and they never abused me or anything like that. It's just...they say they understand me better than anyone else, but it seems like they refuse to accept that I have BPD. My dad actually said (and I quote) "those doctors are just a bunch of quacks. You've been getting worse since you started seeing them". He thinks all they're good for is my Prozac, which does help a little. However, I feel like I've, for once, been VALIDATED. I told them my emotions are a roller coaster, I have trouble finding myself an identity, and I have tons of impulses that I suppress. Doctors said BPD, and I'm sure that's what it is after they explained it to me. I even took a psychological test to see what I have, and (sure enough) it said I had BPD.

I've tried explaining to them how our lives are working out. I told them that I want to work (since I find my identity there more than at home), and that my husband would stay home and cook and clean. For Christmas? He got the toys, and I got a bunch of stuff for organization, cleaning, baking, and general house stuff. Sure. Get the son-in-law the awesome stuff and make me feel like I have to be the role YOU want me to be. They said that they'd be fine whichever way I went, but since losing my job, they INSIST on hubby going out to look for work. It's not that easy. I just don't want to get to the point of agitation that I might HURT my son! I don't want that. When he was younger (9 months and under) it was a lot easier for me to stay home, since he was immobile and couldn't squirm too much in my arms. But, now, I don't know what he wants, half the time. And, when I get too stressed, my legs go limp, and I lose my voice (somatoform). My parents won't even consider that.

Can any of you suggest ways to control my emotions? I'm going to be going to a course for people with BPD in a couple weeks, but I need something to get through this time. Any suggestions? Right now, my only tool for keeping calm is to hide away in my bedroom and stay on my computer either drawing or writing. Hubby says he doesn't mind it at all, but I feel guilty like I SHOULD spend more time with him and baby (even though, it stresses me out quickly if anything happens). I would really like to have some basic tools, if anyone has advice, to keep me from blowing up. I want to feel a little more in control of myself and not resort to snapping and ranting and yelling to let off steam. I have tried counting to ten, I've tried meditation, I've tried a lot. The emotions are just like sticky sap that EVENTUALLY go away, just can't go away immediately (which what I've tried).

Any tips, suggestions, or advice would help. Please. I'm not sure what to do, and I really could use something to help me be a little more pleasurable to be around...especially since my hormones go bonkers for about 7 - 10 days TWICE a month (I'm in the middle of one wave right now).

[shezbut]

UUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! Dammmit!!! I just wrote you a super-long freaking post...which I shared a long arse imagery exercise to bring yourself to a calmer state of mind...but I went on for too long (apparently) because as I tried to post, it was too late. I was kicked out of PC. I lost all of my freaking work!! There's nothing to show for it, except for my temper, and memory of typing the damn thing!!

Mannnn, I am reaaaalllllly freaking frustrated right now. I am SOO sorry, but I am not in the state of mind that I need to be in order to go through that again right now...I will come back later & do it again. It's not your fault, it's mine. I'm freaking stupid, I should have known better than to hit post before copying it. Just in case. I really should have known better.

Sorry!!!

[AngelWolf3]

I can really relate to you. (the parent thing, and how your little one, though you love so much, can cause the nails on the chalkboard feeling).

I think it is wonderful that your husband is being so supportive, and trying to understand you! That will be very helpful to you in the long run, I think.

I am SO sorry I don't have any advice. (still trying to sort out things too, not in the greatest place to give any right now). BUT I wanted you to know that you can post anytime, and welcome you to PC.

There are a lot of people with great advice here, and know you aren't alone!

[harbaughjb]

I'm glad that some people understand. My parents, right now, just don't get what I'm going through. It feels like they don't want to try to understand. This is just me feeling angry, but...yeah. I love them, and they've always loved me and shown it...but lately, I've been feeling like they're pushing me too hard to get better. I hid a lot from them, and when I tell them what's going on, they often will tell me it's just the moment...that it'll pass. Well...the intensity passes, but not what I feel.

Sigh. Yeah. Hopefully, my parents will read the book I got them on BPD.

Right now, my biggest songs that I'm enjoying listening to are "Perfect" by Greenday, "Take me as I Am" by Tonic, "Unwell" by Matchbox 20, and "Manic" by Plumb. Those all make me feel loved and heard...even just by someone in this world. Just...understood. My husband understands, yes...but this just calms me down. Hey. It's a good way to calm down.

[shezbut]

Imagine a beach or forest area ~ and use all of your senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. What do you see? Big, tall pine trees. Lots of pine needles and cones on the ground. Some boulders here and there.

It is very quiet. Just the sound of your footsteps breaking pine needles on the ground, and some blue jays barking a little ways away.

The pine trees smell so fresh. You take a deep sniff, and then another. It smells so good, it's refreshing! You keep walking through the forest, and then you can hear the sound of water nearby.

Soon, you see a small stream. You walk over to it ~ feel the cold water on your fingers as you dip your hand in the stream. You cup your hand and take a drink of the water. Brrrr....So cold! but the water tastes crisp and refreshing. You then decide to sit on top of the small hill, beside the stream. Just sitting peacefully. Listening to the stream pass through the mountain. It's quiet and relaxing. Slow deep breaths continue, taking in that smell of pine needles. Then, slowly come back to the present moment.

You can go back to that relaxing and safe place in your mind anytime you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, miserable, or just for the heck of it! Getting yourself into that mindset is easier to more often you try. It also becomes easier to come up with your own ideal imaginary space the more often you use the technique.

~Sorry it's taken me SOOO long to get back to you with this technique. ~

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to being afraid of my anger being abusive. Not to kids; I don't have any, but to my roommate and everyone that has to be around me. My roommate thinks I get abusive to his cat just by yelling in the house (not at either of them; just yelling like on the telephone or just plain at *things*.

There are also certain noises I can't stand and they really make me so upset. (Relating to the whining) So upset that I fear it makes me abusive. Yesterday that was one of the things Bruce (roommate) and I were fighting about. I explained to him again about how certain sounds just *bother* me.

Carol