[MDDBPDPTSD]

Got an e-mail from one of my children today that basically told me that I was such an unacceptable person, they did not want to have anything to do with me.

My own child that I raised, pour myself into, has rejected me.

She said she loves me, but she does not want any close contact with me.

I do not understand it. I didn't do anything to her. I was not fighting with her or hurting her. I just do not get it.

It is what it is, whether I can figure it or not. I just have to accept it. No one wants me except the child who wants to abuse me. She will take me in.

I am grateful I do not need to be taken in yet and I am still able to care for myself mostly. Thank God for that.

I really feel like giving up. Withdrawing even more than I have. Retreating from everyone, including family. But there is one member of my family that still needs me. It is not fair to him to give up on him. He is a preschooler and has no choice in how his life goes. He has no choice where he grows up or how. Don't I owe it to him to keep the bridges between my family open, as much as possible?

I don' t know. I am just so tired. I want to give up. No more BS please God. I can't take anymore pain. No more pain. How do I get there? What DBT skill is again that says pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice?

How do I just give up? Damned survival instinct! I hate me too. I dont blame my daughter for not wanting me in her life. I am a loser and a drain and a waste of space.

I have asked God to put me out of my and others misery for a long time now, but He doesn't.

If I were really that bad, wouldn't He just take me out, if I asked Him to??? I do not want o hurt anyone and I am tired of hurting. I can not take anymore today.

AND there is a good chance I will see the abusive daughter today. I cannot handle her today. I have trouble handling her on a good day.

I am emo vomiting again, and I would apologize for it, but I am trying not to apologize so often for things I need, like my children's respect and food and water and someone to listen.

I hate my life and I hate me.

Every time I think I am geting better, something happens to remind me of just how sick I am. How worthless I am. How I don't fit in anywhere. I don't belong here, in this society in this wordl, on this planet. I just dont.

"This world is not my home. I'm just apassing thru. My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angel beckon me from heaven's open door and I can''t fell a home in his world anymore." The only problem with that is I never felt at home here.

Hug,hug,hug,hug,hug,hug,hug,hug

[Ithilanar]

If your daughter suddenly rejects you and says she wants nothing to do with you, I imagine she must have some reason to act this way. I definitely think you deserve an answer to at least understand this choice that she is making. Maybe all she needs is time away to truly understand how much she needs you. We all need a breather once in a while. Again, I don't know exactly what made her choose this.

How is your other daughter abusive? Could she be suffering from a personality disorder as well? I suppose it's possible since these kind of disorders seem to evolve from the interaction we have or don't have with each other in the family. Maybe looking into it would make it easier for you to understand her behavior as well.

I really understand why you feel so rejected and your family situation seems very unstable and chaotic. It seems that all of you aren't able to be the strong one at this point. I can only imagine that if you are able to you should seek some professional help that can help you handle your situation and make you feel that there is indeed a way to get better. You need someone with an objective viewpoint to lend you a hand so you can start walking again.
I really hope things work out for you.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I suspect that the daughter who abuses me, who is angry with me now, has been bad mouthing me to the daughter who recently rejected me via e-mail. Of course, I have no proof of that. It is all suspicion on my part, but it is the only thing that fits.

I have 3 daughters and a son.

The abusive one, I will call A. The other one who lives locally I will call B and the one
who lives out of state who just rejected me I will call C. I will call my son D.

A does have a personality disorder. I believe she also has BPD. But her BPD manifests itself differently than mine. The more hurt I get, the more I withdraw and avoid. The more hurt she gets, the more abusive and cruel she gets. We both escalate our behavior, but the behavior we are escalating is very different. Our prime directives are different. Mine is to help as many people as I can and to hurt as few as I can. Hers is to hurt them before they can hurt her and if hey do hurt her, then hurt them worse.

B is in denial about some things and has a few of her own issues, even maybe a mild case of BPD, but maybe not. I saw signs when she was younger, early teens until mid twenties. But those signs seem to be gone.

C does not have BPD and finds our behavior ridiculously over the top. She is of the belief that we must be exaggerating our pain and playing on others sympathies. In other words, she thinks we are scamming her. C has seen my extreme behavior before. She has not seen much of A's as she moved out when A was 11.

I dunno. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself again. I just can' take anymore pain. Why do people have to be hurtful to other people. I wish my whole family were dogs. Dogs find a way to get along. They are loyal and loving and have order in their life.

I just want to die. I hate my life, I hate the pain and I hate me.

My daughter A has actually told me in all seriousness that she is trying to get me to commit suicide. She has said this on more than one occasion. Several years ago, she let it slip that she had been trying to get me to kill myself for over 3 years. Then, recently she said it again, knowing I am depressed and struggling, she does cruel things o me o increase my pain and instability and she says to me, " You really should just commit suicide already. It is not going to get any better you know. "

I know she has BPD, but she also has so little compassion for her fellow humans that I think she might have ASPD sometimes. It is impossible to have both of those at the same time. right? because one is an abundance of emotions, which she has and one is an absence of feelings. She does have emos, just compassion isn't one of them.

I dont know. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but I need A to take me there. Which means one of two things. Either I am blessed enough to get a ride and have to sit through her cruel manipulations the entire time or I do not get a ride to therapy and I sit here, in much need of therapy unable to get there. Either way, her behavior gives me more pain. For her is a win-win and for me it is a lose lose.

As I do not have enough money to support a car, even if I had one here is no good way out of this. I have asked B repeatedly to help me, but she is very busy and cannot just sacrifice her life to help me all the time. She helps sometimes, but not often enough.
My son is out of state also and cannot be much helpin this area.

The strange thing is, the grandson I am raising, who is the sweetest boy ever, is A's. You would think she would want to help me to be the best I can be, so that I can give her son the best of me. I guess she doesn't really care about him either. She is just so mean.

She openly admits, in front of her children that she never bonded with them. She has told professionals intervening on behalf of the children that she should have never been a mother. She told one of them of her plans to leave the state and leave the children behind. She was going to live with some other guy she never met, but has skyped online. At least her eldest child is with me and she is no raising him. Her youngest is still in her household though and I know I cannot handle both of them. With my BPD, Depression, PTSD and fibromyalgia and arthritis I am doing all I can to care for my grandson and myself.
The only reason she is still in this state is the online guy dumped her. She is common law married and living with her "husband." Yet she is having online affairs with other men and she claims he knows about it.

He is a piece of work too. As a couple, they are a monument to mental illness.
Anyway, I am not here to put him down. Or her for that matter.

I just want to get out from under the twisted cruelty of oppression and abuse. Everytime I think I have, it comes back. I was out of it for a few years. No husband, no boyfriend, and no A. Only a few real friends and B were in my life then. But A got in trouble and needed help. She was living with some guy who was abusive to her! So she said. anyway, I answered her plea for help and paid for her to return to this area, se her up in her own place and paid her past utility bills, as well as bought her furniture and kitchen supplies, towels, toiletries, you name it, I did it for her, even though I needed that money for me. I go her out of he grips of someone who was abusing her. ONly to have her come back here to begin abusing me again.

In a way, I wish I had left her there, but if I had, my grandson would still be neglected and subject to her anger outbursts. So for his sake, I am glad I did not leave her there.
I love him so much. He is my reason for living now. It is tough to remember tha I can do some good. But I am helping him in many ways. And that gives me some worth, so I am not worthless. And if I did commit suicide, what would happen to him? A doesn't care about him or her other child. Her common law hubby would take the younger one, but this one is not his, so where would he go? I am he one who needs to be here for him. I need to find not only my cursed survival skills, but also my strength and be all I can for him.

I hate her and I hate me. I love her too, as stupid as that sounds. She has made certain she has tried everything I warned her against. The life she leads now is not one I approve. But I keep that to myself. If she asks, which she does to rub it in my nose, I tell her my thoughts and he reason for them and I stop. I know she isnt going to listen to me anyway. She will listen to God one day though. I hope it is before the judgement, but that is totally up to her.

I worry very much about my future because I would rather live on the street than with her. One of my grandchildren said she will take me in, if she can, but she is still a child, so who knows if she means that and if she will be able when the time comes. She is a sweet girl too. She is B's daughter.

Maybe I wil be like my mother and be able to take of myself until I am so sick I die. Maybe there will be no long drawn out process of death for me. Maybe God will be merciful to me and let my death be relatively quick. I want to die quickly. No have a slow process of further disability and incapacitation wher I am even more dependent on hose who abuse me.

I cannot face that. I could not do it. She would get her wish then and I would do my best to kill myself and risk an eternity in hell. I do not understand why she hates me so much. I was a much better mother to all of my children than my mother was to me.

I was angry at my mother and in my adult years, I did not love her, but I was not cruel to her and I would never want her to kill herself, and I did not want to hurt her. I did foolishly try to get her approval, but it never came. The funny thing is, my children think my mother was a "good woman." They have no idea. She had them totally fooled. I even paid for her funeral... or not. I agreed to pay for her funeral because she had told me for decades she had two whole life plans tha would cover it. Turns out that was one last laugh my mother had on me. There is now a judgement out against me for her funeral bill because she took out those insurance plans, paid on them for a few months and quite, so none of them were any good.

But my children think I cheated them out of their share of that nonexistent money.

Life sucks and then you die.

[here today]

Thank you so much for posting this. I’m an old lady, too. My situation is different, but not so different.

I’m finding that the more I can extricate myself from family, and the family dynamics, the better things are. It’s horribly painful to let go of people and relationships I cherish, but they have not been healthy. Whether the problem(s) is/are me or them, it’s all mixed at this point. And I’ve been happy recently actually to feel love for some people, even though we haven’t spoken in a while. The hurt and anger has lessened with time and love remains. Who would have thought that? Not me.

The reason I have for living right now – well, first of all my body hasn’t quit on me. I’m here because of the “Higher Power” of biology, at the most basic level. Yes, that may/will change but not at the moment.

Then, IF I can get healthier within me, then maybe that may have an effect if/when there is interaction with other family members. Old patterns and habits die hard, though. A little bit flared up a few weeks ago with a sister of mine, but it's calming down now, thankfully. I hate feeling hurt by people because I care about them and want to help, and then get slapped down.

Do you have any sources of social support besides your family? I’m an introvert so I didn’t really have many, but I go to several in-person support groups and that has helped a lot.

Keep on keeping on. Your voice counts and I hear it.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Thank you here today. You post was most inspiring for me. I too am an introvert and I do not want to go to group anything ever. I do have a therapist I see one on one and she is wonderful. She keeps listening and being kind and welcoming no matter what.

She also suggested that it was possible that things might change with my children and they might see things differently eventually. I doubt it, but it is possible.

Even so, A took me to he therapist today and she was relatively pleasant. She also took me on some of the errands that I needed to run, so we did get much done. She promised o take me tomorrow o finish them up.

She also stated she did not talk to C recently, but I don't know that I believe her on that one.

Anyway, she was trying to be pleasant and that is what counts.

Sill depressed, but I will get through it. SIGH.

[Ithilanar]

I think A seems like she has a lot of build up anger and frustration with you she hasn't known how to deal with. I don't know if it can be due to the fact that you have BPD and you haven't been able to be as strong as she needed you to be. Despite that, it does sound like her problems go beyond BPD. Perhaps she suffers from NPD as well which makes it hard for her to feel empathy for you (and her own child), especially if she begrudges you. I think it is awesome that despite your depression and your BPD you have found the strength to take care of her child and I hope he turns out well.
One thing I can come up with is that I think A really needs boundaries. You need to set boundaries when she crosses them and not let her walk all over you. I think the fact that you don't may want her to provoke or hurt you even more just to get a reaction other than the one she expects. To me it sounds exactly like what a child would do to a parent who doesn't set limits. She cannot respect you either if she doesn't see that you protect yourself. You just have to be careful and not let her get to you and remember she is suffering too and take a distance to her. That will teach her that she can't get away with everything and that you really want to feel better and care to do so. And for your grandchild, I think it is important that he sees you stick up for yourself so that he may learn to do the same.
It sounds like despite all the pain and rejection you luckily have something that makes you see the light in the dark. I really hope you keep on being this strong, and remember, take good care of yourself, don't let people treat you like dirt.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

TY Ithilanar

[growlycat]

This may pass. Your daughter may find her way back. Is she open to family therapy?

My mom wasn't and it still hurts

[Multiple survivor]

I kno exactly what here today is saying. When I'm w my family, I digress into the sick and panicked old self. They can't see what they r doing and refuse to make any improvements to themselves. It's sad really. I haven't made contact with any of them for 7 yrs because it makes me unhealthy and triggers all of the issues I've worked so hard at fixing.

[stevelord]

Dear Ms Old Lady.

Your posts brings about a lot of emotion in the reader. I was struck by how smart you are, how articulate. Ever thought about becoming a writer? I am sure most any group out there in society would love to have you as a member. You appear to be very interesting , bright, great at analysis, and have a gift for communicating And it is obvious you have a good heart. Whether it be a Bible class, a book club, or any other group you might be interested in joining. Your children arent the only humans in the world. There are all sorts of interesting people out there who would be interested in you . Ever heard of meet up groups , you can find many in your area by googling meet up groups in your area, and you can find some you want to attend. Its easy to make friends in those groups too. If you can get there once, then you can ask if anyone in the group come from near you so as to give you a ride. Or some cities have a service real cheap for disabled or I guess elderly or then there is always the bus, but I bet the first idea would suit you best. Fill your life with activities with people. When you sit there alone you start dwelling again on the things you wrote. Or if you are alone, write a short story , maybe about what you wrote here. And submit it. I bets its good. Please let people benefit from your unique , very interesting personality. I am not just trying to cheer you up, I am serious. I personally would love to know you in person, you sound very wise. In fact, where are you located, Im coming over. Chuckle. Some people may be constructed such that they do not appreciate your assets like I do. Your family seems to be in that category. Many many other people would appreciate who you are. Seek out the ones who are your kind of people who would appreciate each other. It takes some effort to get out there, but it will be worth it.

Steve Lord

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Thank you Steve for your kind words.