[TheRealFDeal]

I'm sitting at Starbucks with my mocha and my laptop ready to comfort and be comforted.

Weekends are really hard for me because I am so desperately alone, and it's just magnified when I've got a couple of days with nothing to do and nowhere to go and no friends to hook up with. (And this a long holiday weekend!) I spend them with my laptop and my tv (and the jaunt to Starbucks if I can get myself out of the house). Desperately trying to distract myself enough to keep the dark thoughts at bay. The dark thoughts that I can't go into right now because I'm trying to avoid them.

So here I sit hoping that I will receive some comfort and company from the forum and that I will feel up to giving some as well. I'm going to post this on another forum, too, just to cover my bases.

Loves, everyone.

Other things to do: go to a mall and sit on a bench and people watch and have a good laugh. You can do the same thing at a Wal-Mart that has a food court.

If weather permits, go for a walk or bike ride. Maybe walk around the mall.

Pick up a good book to read.

If you can get over the social phobia, go in to the chat rooms here. There are a few of us who do that every night.

Take a bath with incense and candles with music. Make it relaxing.

Set yourself some productive goals: clean the house, do the laundry, write or draw something. Do something you've been putting off.

Go and pick up a cheap jigsaw puzzle or model to put together or get a puzzle book. Sudoku or word searches....something like that.

I hope I brainstorming ideas helps a bit.... The weekends are slow here too and I'm working so I'm here and I'm often bored. I know being alone is hard....I hope I helped a bit.

[youwillrise]

this is exactly how i am. weekends and vacations/holidays are horrible for me. i always look forward to them, but when they arrive, i tend to get really sad because i feel useless. i have no one to talk to. nowhere to go.

im an early childhood teacher and we are closed in the summers, so im driven absolutely insane. good thing i already secured a part time job for this coming summer...i just cant be cooped up.

I fee the same way. I look forward to my days off: "Yay, I can relax! I'll run errands, get things done! I'll get a movie! Cuddle with my cats! Yay!" And then the day/weekend arrives and I sit here feeling like I giant loser. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I don't sit alone all the time, and I need to focus on that fact. And you know what, if I we're busy all the time I would get burned out and then I would withdraw and isolate and wish for all of these endless alone days. So it's kind of damned if I do, damned if I don't. I need to practice more radical acceptance: this is just the way my life is right now.

[IowaFarmGal]

I don't do well with weekends either. I need the structure of a work day.

[TheRealFDeal]

I had planned to take myself to a movie this evening, but at the last minute I backed out. I envisioned myself sitting alone in a dark movie theatre in a crowd of people who are with other people and feeling completely and utterly alone in the world. I'd rather be at home if I'm going to feel that way. And I do. I'm really struggling right now.

[bpd2]

I look forward to my days off: "Yay, I can relax! I'll run errands, get things done! I'll get a movie! Cuddle with my cats! Yay!" And then the day/weekend arrives and I sit here feeling like I giant loser. It's good to know I'm not the only one. [. . .]So it's kind of damned if I do, damned if I don't. I need to practice more radical acceptance: this is just the way my life is right now.

Exactly!!!

[youwillrise]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I had planned to take myself to a movie this evening, but at the last minute I backed out. I envisioned myself sitting alone in a dark movie theatre in a crowd of people who are with other people and feeling completely and utterly alone in the world. I'd rather be at home if I'm going to feel that way. And I do. I'm really struggling right now.

the last few times ive gone to the movies, ive gone alone...and i cried in the movie theatre two or three of those times...and not because the movies were particularly sad. ((smh)). absolutely horrible. i went and saw 'hansel & gretel' recently and ended up having a cry during the commercials/previews. ((rolls eyes)) i dont know.

even when i am "doing" something that would otherwise be considered fun and entertaining, my emotional self cant stop feeling lonely and alone and missing something.

Originally Posted by youwillrise

even when i am "doing" something that would otherwise be considered fun and entertaining, my emotional self cant stop feeling lonely and alone and missing something.

I feel the same way. I used to take myself to the coffee shop to sit on my computer (it was especially helpful when I didn't have internet at home) but I would end up feeling lonely watching people at the coffee shop together so I just stay home now. I realize this is unhealthy. I have to resolve to get myself out of the house--when I run errands at the mall I should get a cup of coffee and wander a little bit. That would help, maybe.

[youwillrise]

exactly! i see all the friend groups, couples, etc together and there i am...usually the only one who's alone. sitting, feeling uncomfortable that people are watching me, judging me negatively, laughing at me on the inside, talking about what a loser i am to their friends.

it just feels awkward being alone...i feel like i stand out...like im being watched and examined.

also, of course, it just hurts to not have anybody to talk to , to laugh with, to confide in.

i always go out hoping that someone friendly will come and say 'hi', but it never happens...and im too shy to initiate anything, so...((shrugs))

Originally Posted by youwillrise

exactly! i see all the friend groups, couples, etc together and there i am...usually the only one who's alone. sitting, feeling uncomfortable that people are watching me, judging me negatively, laughing at me on the inside, talking about what a loser i am to their friends.

it just feels awkward being alone...i feel like i stand out...like im being watched and examined.

also, of course, it just hurts to not have anybody to talk to , to laugh with, to confide in.

i always go out hoping that someone friendly will come and say 'hi', but it never happens...and im too shy to initiate anything, so...((shrugs))

They are SO not judging you...but I understand how you feel. I used to feel that people were judging me as well. The only way I feel that way now is if I go looking all crazy, which I used to do when I was in school and I had homework to do. I used to go in my yoga pants and a hoodie with my hair all up in a baseball cap and I felt like the girls who were dressed all cute with their makeup and hair done were judging me. I felt like I smelled or something. Now if I go out alone I try to make sure I am "done." Of course, I still go to the grocery store in my yoga pants. But I digress. Anyway, I understand.

[youwillrise]

yeah, logically i know that no one is judging me...or even CARES or THINKS about me. i mean, who am i but a stranger like anyone else...but that other part of me fears it.

i feel that way even when i look presentable/nice/like i tried. sometimes i find myself dressing nicer, putting on perfume, hoping that it'll mean something...but it doesnt really.

[pastoral-poeta]

I often feel like people are judging me also. Even though I've been told no one else really spends their time judging other people. More often that not, it is me that is judging other people. The whole black and white BPD thinking is the reason maybe. When I decide that people aren't judging me, I go and find other reasons to feel inferior. I do feel like a stranger all the time. Like YOUWILLRISE says, I used to dress up but after my existential crisis, I am not inspired to dress up as much as I used to. I feel like I just look ridiculous and feel awkward more than anything else. I am decent however, and clean, and good looking . I miss companionship so much. I just want to hang out with somebody without any obligations or expectations and just be. Sometimes I feel like I stand out, and other times I feel like I'm invisible. People don't move aside when I walk down the sidewalk for example. I struggle every day just to keep my thoughts quiet.

Originally Posted by pastoral-poeta

I often feel like people are judging me also. Even though I've been told no one else really spends their time judging other people. More often that not, it is me that is judging other people. The whole black and white BPD thinking is the reason maybe. When I decide that people aren't judging me, I go and find other reasons to feel inferior. I do feel like a stranger all the time. Like YOUWILLRISE says, I used to dress up but after my existential crisis, I am not inspired to dress up as much as I used to. I feel like I just look ridiculous and feel awkward more than anything else. I am decent however, and clean, and good looking . I miss companionship so much. I just want to hang out with somebody without any obligations or expectations and just be. Sometimes I feel like I stand out, and other times I feel like I'm invisible. People don't move aside when I walk down the sidewalk for example. I struggle every day just to keep my thoughts quiet.

I understand this sooooooo much! Even the people not moving aside part! So it's not just me that people aren't moving aside for--it's just that people are preoccupied with themselves and not paying attention to me, maybe. (I'll still feel sensitive about it though, next time it happens.) I will always find a reason to feel inferior. Like today when my friend was trying to make me feel better about something. It's always a circular argument because I will always find some reason why his argument is invalid and why, even though he says I am worth _______ (insert whatever we're talking about) I will find a reason to invalidate the argument. I'm my own worst enemy. But that's the nature of this stupid disorder, hey?

[TheRealFDeal]

Yeah, it's sometimes hard to sit at Starbucks and watch people laughing and talking together and wishing I had that. I couldn't do it today. I think it helps maybe just a tiny bit that most of the baristas there know me and are nice to me. One of the things I like about Starbucks is that they don't treat you as if they've just met you when you come in on a regular basis.